The Only Financial advice you'll ever need.

I've been thinking for a while about posting something on finance. I can't really advise anyone on how to get rich, not ever having been rich myself, but I can tell you how to eliminate debt, and how to avoid poverty, spending some 60 odd hours a week working in a bankruptcy firm. I was going to write up my own list, but I found that Scott Adams, writer of the popular Dilbert Comic Strip (and author of one of the greatest blogs ever) has written everything that I could possibly tell you. Here is the only financial advice you will ever need, with some additional commentary. None of it is complicated and if you follow it you will be fine.

1. Make a will

Trust me, just do it. You can do it yourself or have an attorney do it relatively cheaply. I've gone over this before but everyone, even if you are not married, should have a will. If you have children and you do not have a will, then you are being irresponsible and there is just no other way to say it. Hit legalzoom.com and get your stuff in order.

2. Pay off your credit cards

Nothing kills wealth better or enslaves you faster than debt. Nothing gets you into debt faster and keeps you there longer than credit cards. It is a proven fact that if you have a credit card you will almost certainly carry a balance on that card at some point. THe average american family has $8000 dollars of credit card debt. At 30% interest, that's $2400 a year the average American family pays for the privilege of being enslaved to a credit card company. That is money that could go to a variety of other worthy causes and instead goes to a creepy souless credit corporation who did nothing to deserve it. Pay these things off and cancel them. You do not need them. Online purchases can be made by debit card. Any discounts, points, mileage, etc. you get will be far less than the money you will save by not having a credit card. It is a proven fact you buy less when you pay cash for things, and a proven fact that if you have a credit card you will at some point carry a balance on it. As far as establishing credit, a car payment, cell phone, and house payment do far more to establish credit than your "American Depressed" card ever will. Get rid of them, they are a temptation you do not need.

3. Get term life insurance if you have a family to support.

Whole life insurance is a scam. Cash value insurance is a garbage product. Period. Have 10X your annual salary in term insurance on the bread winner. If you need this explained further feel free to talk to me off line.

4. Fund your 401k to the maximum

5. Fund your IRA to the maximum

6. Buy a house if you want to live in a house and can afford it.

There's no magic formula for house buying, but whatever mortgage you have, pay it off as fast as you can. If at all possible, try and get a fixed rate 15 year mortgage where the payment is one fourth your monthly take home. That might not be an option where you live, but if you are smart and save up a good down-payment (10-20%) you can probably manage a good mortgage. Don't touch adjustable rate mortgages. Don't go anywhere near them. Those things cause more bankruptcies these days than credit cards. Also, Never get a second mortgage. If you need a second mortgage it means you can't afford your house. Sell it. It's dry wall and concrete; it's not special. Too many people get attached to their houses and throw everything they can into trying to keep the house. It's dumb. I have to restrain myself every time a client says "I just can't bear to let go of the house." It is one of the single dumbest things you can think or say. If you find yourself sayin it, then you are not thinking rationally. Also, don't go near home equity lines of credit, they're just second mortgages. Never borrow against your home for anything. Ever.

7. Put six months worth of expenses in a money-market account.

Start by saving $1000 for emergencies then let that grow. Again, bankruptcy office is full, FULL of people who thought they would never get sick, never lose jobs, and that everything would be fine. Guess what, life happens. You need to make your plans with the idea in mind that the universe will probably screw with you at some point. You'll meet a guy named Murphy, who's law is that everything that can go wrong will go wrong. After you meet Murphy, he may decide to hang around you for a while. Be prepared for him. Remember that if ye are prepared, ye shall not fear. I had a client this week who's husband passed away a few years ago, did not leave enough to take care of her, her pension has had problems, and she was in a car accident on the way to visit the bankruptcy lawyer. Bad things happen and they usually don't happen alone.

8. Take whatever money is left over and invest 70% in a stock index fund and 30% in a bond fund through any discount broker and never touch it until retirement

An investment is not something you buy one day and sell the next. When you buy any kind of stock, bond, real-estate, etc, you need to plan on having it for a LONG time. The stock market changes day to day, but over time it always goes up.

9. If any of this confuses you, or you have something special going on (retirement, college planning, tax issues), hire a fee-based financial planner, not one who charges a percentage of your portfolio.

Self explanatory, and watch out, some of those financial consultants are hucksters who try and sell you special financial products (like whole life insurance) that are designed only to separate you from your money.

Follow these steps and assuming you are earning a decent wage you will avoid poverty.

The Manifesto

With the upcoming elections, here at the Simsisms institute for rational thought it might be prudent to declare our stance on the issues. Generally, here at the institute, we have a low tolerance for the bull that infects today's political discourse. We especially roll our eyes any time someone thinks government control will solve a problem, or that outlawing something will make it unavailable.

Issue 1

Immigration

What you should think: You shouldn't care.

You cannot stop immigration. Period. If people are already willing to risk their lives to come to this country, what makes anyone think there is a way to stop them from coming. If you build a wall, it will not stop immigration. Mexico may be poor, but they still have ladders. If you make guard towers ever 100 feet and deploy the entire army on the border to keep people out, immigrants will hop on boats. If you deploy the Navy to blockade all ports and search every incoming ship then immigrants will start forging documents. You cannot keep them out. What's more, why would you want to? What do they do that is so bad? Pay taxes and then return to Mexico before they can draw any benefits? Help save social security? They don't steal jobs from "Americans" because they generally do low wage work that "Americans" would never do. They pay for services and their presence creates jobs. Yes, there is a high incidence of drug trade that is channeled through illegal immigrants, but that is mostly because the current drug laws create huge financial incentives and current immigration laws create a permanent underclass that is easily exploited with offers of financial gain. We spend a fortune fighting the inevitable reality of immigration and we don't need to. The situation is no different than the RIAA thinking it can stop illegal downloading with lawsuits and intimidation. The tide is too great and the damage is too minimal to justify the fight. Accept that they are here and figure out a way to deal with that reality.

Issue#2
Socialized Medicine.

What you should think: You should be vehemently opposed to it.

We've covered this before on this site, but to rehash, most people have insurance. People who don't have insurance for the most part have made a conscious choice not to buy it and spend the money on something else, generally a Playstation 3. The health care you get with your current insurance will be better than what you will get with government care. Having lived in a country with socialized medicine, I can tell you it is not the healthcare paradise people would have you believe. Instead of an HMO telling you which doctor to see and what procedures you can have, you'll have a paper pusher telling you what to do. The same people who brought you the models of efficiency and simplicity that are the DMV and the IRS. Meanwhile, the rich continue to buy private health insurance and the best doctors will work at private hospitals. The current system is not perfect,in fact in many ways it outright sucks, but it is better than the alternative.

Issue #3

Ethanol

What you should think: You should be outraged about it.

Ethanol is the product of the corn lobby, which is massive. Most people don't know it, but in the 60's and 70's the corn lobby spent insane amounts of cash to make corn the staple of the american way of life. Corn products are now in everything. Odds are, you had some corn derivative today. In fact, high fructose corn syrup is the leading artificial sweetener and one of the off cited causes of the dramatic increase of obesity in the country. The corn industry was also able to pick up billions of subsidies to make a fuel called ethanol. Ethanol actually takes more fuel to produce than just burning straight gasoline, however the price at the pump is lower than gasoline because the government subsidizes production. That's right, your tax dollars pay for the production of a fuel more expensive than gasoline so that it costs less than gasoline.

Issue #4

Driver's Licenses for Illegal Immigrants.

How you should feel: you should be for them.

When New Mexico made licenses available to illegal immigrants, traffic fatalities fell by a third. Arguably, issuing licenses does legitimize illegal conduct, but would you rather stand on principle or save lives?

Issue #5

Hydrogen Fuel Cells

How you should feel: You should oppose them.

Hydrogen fuel cells are a fantasy that the auto industry uses to stall progress and continue to force you to buy cars with an internal combustion engine. The fact is, it will take a miracle to make hydrogen powered fuel cells affordable and mass-produceable. By the time they are ready for the assembly line, they will be outstripped by hybrid cars. Hybrids that can be plugged in to an AC outlet in your house are only a few years away. However, there is a billion dollars of federal grant money up for grabs to the auto industry for researching hydrogen fuel cells. Why are we spending a billion dollars to research technology that we will never use and is no better than what we already have?

The Mysterious Case of Coldplay

By now, you've almost certainly heard "Violet Hill," Coldplay's latest single. Like most Coldplay singles, it's great. However, Coldplay's problem has never been coming up with hit singles. "Yellow", "Trouble", "Clocks", "Scientist", "Clocks", "Fix You", etc., are all great songs. As far as their singles, only "Speed of Sound" is lackluster. The problem with Coldplay is that their singles are great, but their albums as a whole are only 3 stars at best. Sure they have some great songs, but they also have 7 other tracks that lack any kind of energy and it's impossible to listen to the whole thing straight through if you are trying to stay awake. They just aren't a high energy band. It's almost as if the guys from Bread tried to release a record in the style of U2.

It may sound like I don't like Coldplay. Not true at all. I love Coldplay. However, I find them frustrating because they should be a better band then they are. The rhythm section is top notch, the guitars make effective use of the minimalist style made famous by the Edge (taken from punk sensibilities and applied to rock music) and Chris Martin is a dynamic front-man and although his live vocals are occasionally weak (the live version of "Violet Hill" on MTV this weekend would not have made it out of the first round of American Idol) he can knock it out when he really needs to. For some reason it just never came together in a cohesive energetic album. The past albums just seemed to lack a certain passion. Which is why I have such high hopes for "Viva La Vida". There are strong indications that this could be Coldplay's "Joshua Tree." Recorded in churches, spiritual themes, it's the kind of thing that has energized many an artist in the past (it also nearly ruined Bob Dylan's career, but I digress). Like I say, I'm hopeful, but I'm not confident. I've just been burned by Coldplay too many times before. I absolutely want this album to be great, but I'm not paying to download it until I know it is.

Woke up this morning with a nose bleed and a sore throat, feeling down from a hard week of watching people lose everything when the tides of fortune wash everything away in a sea of debt. Needles to say, there's only one prescription.


18 and a quarter miles. Yeah baby! Eat your heart out slackers.

Also, the 84RKR has generously developed some art for simsisms. It's tight like a dish and I'll probably add it to the banner when I get more time. Here it is for all to see:



Also, been listening to a lot of Dave Ramsey. His podcast is free on iTunes, I highly recommend it. He helps people figure out how to get out of debt and tells it straight. More people need to have someone sit down and tell them to dump the houses, cars and crap they can't afford.

After a week of helping people lose everything, let me take this opportunity to urge everyone to burn your credit cards, pay off the balance and never look back. They are absolutely evil. Start working for a living and stop working for VISA.

Lately I've been hearing a lot about scummy collection processes. Congress passed the fair debt collection practices act a number of years ago and most collections agencies just use it to wipe their rear ends. Know your rights. If you owe money, the FDCPA places strict guidelines on collections agents.

From Wiki:

The Act prohibits certain types of "abusive and deceptive" conduct when attempting to collect debts, including the following:

• Hours for phone contact: contacting consumers by telephone outside of the hours of 8:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. local time^[2]
• Contact after being asked to stop: contacting consumers in any way (other than litigation) after receiving written notice that said consumer wishes no further contact or refuses to pay the alleged debt, with certain exceptions, including advising that collection efforts are being terminated or that the collector intends to file a lawsuit or pursue other remedies where permitted^[3]
• Causing a telephone to ring or engaging any person in telephone conversation repeatedly or continuously: with intent to annoy, abuse, or harass any person at the called number.^[4]
• Contacting consumers at their place of employment after having been advised in writing that this is not acceptable^[5]
• Contacting consumer known to be represented by an attorney^[6]
• Contacting consumer after request for validation: contacting the consumer or the pursuing collection efforts by the debt collector after receipt of a consumer's written request for verification of a debt (or for the name and address of the original creditor on a debt) and before the debt collector mails the consumer the requested verification or original creditor's name and address^[7]
• Misrepresentation or deceit: misrepresenting the debt or using deception to collect the debt, including a debt collector's misrepresentation that he or she is an attorney or law enforcement officer^[8]
• Publishing the consumer's name or address on a "bad debt" list^[9]
• Seeking unjustified amounts, which would include demanding any amounts not permitted under an applicable contract or as provided under applicable law^[10]
• Threatening arrest or legal action that is either not permitted or not actually contemplated^[11]
• Abusive or profane language used in the course of communication related to the debt^[12]
• Contact with third parties: revealing or discussing the nature of debts with third parties (other than the consumer's spouse or attorney) or threatening such action^[13]
• Contact by embarrassing media, such as communicating with a consumer regarding a debt by post card, or using any language or symbol, other than the debt collector’s address, on any envelope when communicating with a consumer by use of the mails or by telegram, except that a debt collector may use his business name if such name does not indicate that he is in the debt collection business ^[14][15]
• Reporting false information on a consumer's credit report or threatening to do so in the process of collection^[16]

If you've been subjected to illegal collections practices you need to get the name of the collections company, document the event and report it to the federal trade commission. They are listed in the government pages of your local phone book.

See ya later peeps

What's that? That's the sound of my bones creaking after a fifteen miler! No, I'm not training for a marathon. I just hit 11.5 miles and thought "I wonder how much 12 will hurt?" Then I started thinking what would 13 feel like? Then 14? Then I realized I was a mile from my car.

For those wondering, my pace was slow and low, 7:44 a mile. Not bad for carrying around 10-15 extra pounds and running in the hills of Henderson.

During my run I had a lot of time to ponder. I thought a lot about bankruptcy. We've noticed a downshift in the number of retainers this month and I think it's because of the upcoming economic stimulus check. Basically, I've come to the conclusion that the stimulus check is the ultimate example of rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic. For a lot of people, it is just going to buy time, for others, a playstation. Either way, it does not solve the underlying problems of the economy, namely nonexistence of credit, rising oil prices, foreclosure fallout, and a weak dollar.

So as I was running, I got to thinking, do rich celebrities get economic stimulus checks? I don't think they do, and I really hope that they don't. But if they did, what would they spend the money on? Could we mandate that certain celebrities had to spend the money on certain things? If so, here's some celebrities and what they should be forced to spend their stimulus checks on.

What's-his-name, that kid who won American idol


What should he buy?

Hair Plugs



Sorry bro, but Donald Trump thinks your hairline is receding. Take the check and put it towards some hair club for men. You might be able to squeeze a few more months out of this American Idol thing before you fade into obscurity.

Britney Spears




What should she buy?

Lithium. Lots of freaking lithium.



Look, I love celebrity meltdowns as much as the next guy. Whenever someone with a boatload on money goes nuts and couch jumps it makes me feel okay about being dirt poor. But this is just gone too far. It's never an easy thing to admit that you are crazy, but when a court thinks that your kids are safer with Kevin Federline than they are with you, it's time to wake up. Girl, you are crazy. Get some meds.



Chris Martin



What should he buy?

The U2 Box Set



Seriously, Chris, we all know you want to be Bono, but quit copying. By the way, Apple is a great name for a computer and a dumb name for a kid.

Manu Ginobli



What should he buy?

Acting Lessons



Manu, no one was around you. You were not fouled. Stop it.

Kobe Bryant



What he should buy

How to win friends and influence people



Kobe, you can win a hundred titles and the MVP every year for the rest of your life. It doesn't change the fact that no one likes you. You're a selfish human being and you care more about yourself than the game. Apparently, selling out your former teammates in the press, demanding a trade, berating your teammates and playing the first half of the season with a 39 cent stamp until an incompetent GM drunkenly deals an all star to your team for pennies on the dollar makes you the most valuable player in the National Basketball Association. NBA, where douchebaggery happens.

Hillary Clinton



What she should buy

A clue.



It's over, give up.

By the way, mentioning assasination when your opponent is black? That should be an instant disqualification for the presidency, kind of like not being able to pronounce the word "nuclear." Oh, wait....


Haven't had a lot of time lately but I thought I'd drop some links. First, great story on how an organization dedicated to giving away kidneys is running into problems.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119862544508149593.html

Next, great story from cracked.comon five movies who were ruined when the studios messed with their endings. Nice to know that I am Legend orginally didn't suck at the end.

http://www.cracked.com/article_16258_5-awesome-movies-ruined-by-last-minute-changes.html

Paper on how immigration is being turned into a way of essentially fighting another county

http://www.cis.org/articles/2008/back108.html

See y'all later

No need for speed

It was slow, it was hard, but it felt good.

13.69 ways to get over finals.





By the way, my ipod has a power song option. You push a button and your power song starts playing to motivate you to run faster. Any ideas what I should choose?

Graduation

For all you graduates, here's Ali G's commencement address from Harvard, 2004.

Don't Vote

The Munchkins

Sorry for the long delay between posts. Basically, I've been swamped. The new bankruptcy job has totally taken over my free time. It's fun though and hopefully I'll be doing the raging workaholic thing all summer at the bankruptcy firm . Thankfully, the economy is tanking and people are losing everything they've worked their whole lives for at a record rate. Fingers crossed, it will continue for years. If only George Bush could run for another term...

Went home this weekend and spent time with two of my favorite peeps, Thomas and Emma. Skipped my Saturday run and worked on the heavy bag instead. My doctor thinks I don't deal with stress in a healthy way, this photo may show that he's right. It's my hand the morning after. The big red spots are where my knuckles started bleeding and I kept hitting the bag anyway.



What anger management problem?

Had a lot of fun with Thomas and Emma. Emma is totally crazy. As David says it, "She thinks she's people" and loves to have all kinds of conversations. She's very inquisitive. She also loves to be involved. She told us all about her sunbeams class, and the stickers she got. She very enthusiastically told us how the Primary told her that she was "a new visitor" and she just loved that the Primary sang the "Welcome" song to her. Job well done Monica Ward Primary, Emma was very happy and felt very well treated. Emma also discovered the joy of Lincoln logs.




Incidentally, Lincoln Logs were tailor made for the Sims children. Emma loves to spread them around the floor and make a mess, and Thomas like to put things back in containers, so he just cleaned up after her and thought it was the greatest thing ever.

Here Emma shows off her new wonder pets coloring book. Grandma and Papa hook their grandchildren up. Thomas got a puppy coloring book, however he finds the crayons far more interesting.



Emma and Thomas also got a kick out of a stuffed dog Papa bought for Grandma a few years back. If you push a button the dog sings and plays "Stop, In the Name of Love." Needless to say, the children loved that toy and if I ever here that song again I might light myself on fire.



Most of the weekend I spent chasing after Thomas and we became buds. We bonded over similar interests. Our mutual love of cheerios and animal crackers, the toy where the beads are on a looped wire and you push them around like a roller coaster, stairs, ramps, and a mutual disdain of pants. My genius nephew has figured out how to ditch his pants and tends to do so as soon as no one is looking. He also showed us his latest trick: reading. He can name all the capital letters of the alphabet on sight. It's pretty much his favorite thing to do. He will read the letters off to you on stop signs, license plates, or books. We sat in the hallway of church and he read the letters on the EXIT sign off to me. "This is an E....This is an X," in his barely decipherable toddler voice. I'm not making any of this up. He's one and a half and he can read letters. He loves to point out anything else he knows the name for, like door, toothbrush, water, and doggy. Oh, and he loves to climb on things. We had such a fun time together. What a cool little kids. Here's some pics of my bud:










Also, before I forget, congrats to everyone who is getting married or got married recently. Corey and Jen, thanks for the invite, the party was slamming. Sorry about wrinkling the bed in the back.
Congrats to Jen Kirk, Congrats to Will, and Big Congrats to Sarah and Danny, hope to hear the date soon. Michelle, if you have anything you should care to announce...

That's all for now folks. I need to do something with my hair soon so I look a little more presentable to clients. Apparently the long haired, homeless hippie look is out this year. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Catch you on the other side of finals!

Tejada Parody

I believe...NBA edition

I believe...

The Jason Kidd trade is officially a bust.

Jason Kidd should face suspension for the flagrant foul on Wright.

Chris Paul should have been the MVP

Chris Paul was right, the Mavs ARE SOFT!!!

Avery Johnson will be cashing unemployment checks soon.

No one who supports hack-a-Shaq should be let anywhere near an announcing booth. I'm looking at you VanGundy. I was throwing things at the TV and it is your fault!

Tyler Perry is out to single handedly undo the civil rights movement.

Chris Webber might have a future in broadcasting.

Iron Man looks awesome.

No way to the Suns go four in a row.

It's not D'Antoni's fault he has no bench.

The Spurs are dirty and boring to watch.

They should start fining players for flopping.

Greg Popovich might be a great coach, but hack-a-Shaq is the very definition of poor sportsmanship and there should be fines associated with it.

ESPN should be prohibited from calling itself the World Wide Leader in Sports until it gets a decent announcing team. Abysmal. That's the word to describe what they have right now.

Steve Kerr may be available to announce games with Marv Albert next year

Charles Barkely should not be Governor of Alabama.

Magic Johnson is not good in the studio.

No one is watching Toronto vs. Orlando.

Gilbert Arenas is overrated.

TNT really wants you to watch the Closer.

The 76ers really need to beat Detroit. I hate the Pistons. Hate. Them. They won one ring, years ago, and they've been acting like they are the 85 Lakers ever since. News flash. You aren't that great. No one likes you and you are boring, BORING, to watch. The idea of a Pistons/Spurs final makes me want to gouge out my eyes with an ice cream scoop.

The Denver Nuggets do not belong in the playoffs.

The Celtics are not as invincible as people think.

If there is a Celtics/Lakers final, I may lose my job.



Okay, for all you LOSTies, here's my theory so far. Spoiler Alert.

Widmore was the Captain of the Black Rock. Ben kicked him off the Island and now Widmore can't find his way back, no matter how hard he tries. Ben left the Island on the time machine located in the Orchid station. That's why he didn't know where he was or what year it was. Locke was told by Jacob to kill Ben and that is why Ben left in the time machine. Jacob is the physical manifestation of the Island's will. Also, Michael was in the coffin, which raises the question, how could he have died?

Anyone else have thoughts?

Needy?

I posted this on my facebook profile, but here it is for everyone else to enjoy. Moral: keep your money or pay fast offerings so you know the money goes to someone actually in need.

Worst Crime Ever.

This is why capital punishment exists.

Link Here

Dear Danny

Good Luck with FINALS!!!!!

The Undertaker Sketch

Dedicated to fellow blogger, 84rkr, who has been feeling a bit dead lately. It's the infamous Monty Python "undertaker sketch" which I recently ran across and couldn't resist posting.

The Office is Back!!!

That's right kiddos. The office is going to start back up again. We've waited for months and I, for one, am excited. Just to give you a taste, here is the first scene.

Dear Darbley

So, I watched Dan in Real Life this weekend (I swear I didn't know Dane Cook was in it when I rented it). I really liked the movie and it got me thinking, why don't I write an advice column? How hard can it really be. Of course, no one writes me letters asking me for advice, so I figured for my first column, I'd just steal the letters from Dear Abby and show how I could give better advice than even the most well known advice columnist. So hear are Dear Abby letters, and my responses to them.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a woman in Phoenix -- where we both lived -- for the past three years. We were in an exclusive relationship, but not living together because I was going through a divorce when we met. Throughout our time together I have helped "Jackie" with rent and cash gifts.

I have since moved to California, and Jackie would like to come and live with me. I thought it would be nice, but a cohabitation agreement would be necessary because I have a lot of assets and she has very few.

After some discussion, she came up with an agreement, but I feel the benefits package she's asking for is too high. She's asking me to pay all living expenses, housing, food, health insurance, a new car with auto insurance and an allowance of $3,000 a month.

I balked on this "deal" because it seems more like a rental agreement rather than a loving relationship. She maintains that she needs a "cushion" in case the relationship doesn't work out because she'll be leaving her job and friends behind.

My friends laugh when I tell them the terms of the arrangement. What are your thoughts? -- WAITING IN CAPISTRANO

Dude, What exactly is the difference between you and Elliot Spitzer? At least he knew he was paying for a hooker. Look, WIC, I'm not judging you, here in Vegas we have tons of hookers, it's no big deal. I'm just saying be honest with yourself. WIC, what is wrong with you that you have to pay a woman to be with you? Do you have a facial deformity? Look like the unholy offspring of Star Jones and the Elephant Man? There are literally thousands of women with low self confidence and poor self image that would pay to be with you! I suggest you find these women and date them. Try myspace, or clubs where they play emo music. The only cushion your current girlfriend needs is the one she lands on when you toss her high maintenance, gold-digging butt out.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has four siblings, all adults with families of their own. A little more than a year ago, my father-in-law, "Carl," asked Mom for a divorce. That's when we learned that their relationship had been going downhill for several years.

All of the "kids," especially my husband, have embraced Mom and shunned Carl. They say terrible things about him and his new girlfriend, "Angie," whom they refuse to meet. We hardly see Carl anymore, and the few times he has come to our home for dinner, my husband has made it clear that Angie is not welcome.

I don't pretend to know how it feels to have your parents split up after 40 years. I try to be understanding and supportive to my husband and his family. I have kept my opinions to myself, but I am frustrated with all of them. I'm certain Carl waited to end his marriage until after all his children were old enough to understand. I feel they need to make some kind of move to get past this. Is there anything I can do? -- KEEPING IT TO MYSELF IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear KITMIP,

Let me ask you a question, how do you want your kids to treat the trashy skank your husband takes up with after he dumps you after 30 years of marriage? I'm guessing that you'd want your kids to throw molotov cocktails at her car while you spend his alimony checks on booze and a "pool boy". You know why they don't embrace Angie? Because they are secretly saving up money to pay for a hitman. The only move that is going to help your husband's family get past this is when Dad and the Floosie move to Florida with all of the other people who want to still feel young while driving 45 in the fast lane with their blinker on. The fact that you are worried about this tells me you have too much time on your hands. Come to think about it, what are you doing writing letters to Dear Abby. I suggest you get yourself back into the kitchen and make your hubby a sandwich, unless you want to have to spend your later years looking for a good "pool boy."

Why do I run?

Sometimes people ask my why I run so much.

I run because it's hard

I run because there are days that I'm angry

I run because there are days that I'm sad

I run because because there's part of me that doesn't think I'm strong enough to go the full distance, and I need to prove that part wrong.

I run because there are times it makes me nauseous.

I run because there are times it makes me sore.

I run because I think I'm weak

I run because I get runner's high and it makes it worth any pain.

I run because when I can barely move and I want to collapse is when I feel most alive

I run for all the times I felt frustrated, or disappointed, or unhappy.

I run because every moment my heart isn't beating at over 160 beats a minute, I feel like a sissy.

I run because I secretly suspect that I might be insane

I run because shin splints are imaginary.

I run because tendinitis is not as painful as I thought it was

I run because asthma will never control my life

I run because I hope to do a marathon on my 100th birthday

I run because I have no interest in video games

I run because when I hear the theme from chariots of fire, I've got to move

I run because I love it, and I'm hopelessly, endlessly addicted to it.

I run because it's part of who I am.

Thanks Tim

I don't think you read this, but thanks Tim. You're right and I'm going to do it.

Jack Handey

Jack Handey, famous for deep thoughts, has written an essay about how everything even outs. Highly recommended.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2008/03/03/080303sh_shouts_handey

Hillary caught on tape, blatantly lying.

Warning: this woman wants to be your president.