Songs

Well, it's two minutes into the second half of the UCLA game and someone finally scored. All I can think about while watching this game is that there is comedy, there is high comedy, and then there is Lorenzo Mata's facial hair. WOW! Does dude not own a mirror? Do UCLA's boosters not slip him enough money under the table to allow him to purchase some shiny metallic surface in which he can see his reflection?

Okay, here are some songs that I've been listening to lately and if you don't own them yet, you should.

Biz Markie--Just a friend

This is probably about the greatest rap song ever written. Generally, I'm not a huge rap fan, but there is something un-American about not singing along to the chorus of this song. Plus, Biz's point is right on, don't trust a girl who says she just has a friend. She's probably a Skeez.


Akon--Don't Matter

Don't front; you like this song too.


The Shins--Kissing the Lipless

Is it possible to pimp the Shins too much? I don't think it is. These guys were messing with acoustic guitars while Jack Johnson was still stoned off his mind surfing all day. This song is amazing and it you don't own it, you should. In fact, download the whole album. If you don't like it, you should not be allowed to own music. Period.

The Decemberists--O Valenica!

How can you not like the cheerfully eclectic Decemberists? Especially after their guitarist took on Stephen Colbert in a battle of guitar shredding. If you like Hyper-literate prog rock, this is totally for you.

Iron and Wine and Calexico--A History of Lovers

Iron and Wine is probably one of the most underrated bands on the planet. His music is mellow and great. Every time I think of how many more records AFI has sold than Iron and Wine I die a little inside. Seriously kids, If you want to listen to deep, angsty music, this is where its at. AFI is fake, and I strongly suspect that the guys in that band don't even really hate their parents. I and W talks about love, loss, pain, and occassionally dogs. Also, of all the bands out there consisting of one person but refusing to go by the person's name, I and W probably has the best music, and beard. Sorry Five for Fighting, but your record company insists on releasing sissy songs and I find your beard unconvincing.


Corinne Bailey Rae--Like a Star

There's not enough space on the internets to say how much I love this girl.


Derek and The Dominos--Little Wing

I saw Clapton and Co. do this live a couple weeks ago and it left me breathless. It was one of the most stunningly beautiful things I've ever heard. The studio version is really good too and no one plays guitar like Eric, and he never played better than when he had Duane Allman to pushing him to new heights. I think we can all agree that Duane was Eric's Anti-Yoko Ono.


Don Henley--The Boys of Summer

This song is almost as old as I am, but it is still good. Some songs are like old friends that you haven't seen in a while and it is good to reconnect with them. The Ataris redid this a few years back, and if I ever have the chance I would like to avenge this wrong by shooting high voltage electricity through their nipples until their heads explode. Seriously, their version is that bad. In fact, it's like someone made a copy of Michaelangelo's David out of Human Excrement. Why would you ever defile a song like that? Why not just take a leak on the Mona Lisa while you are at it.


Josh Turner--Would You Go With Me

In an age when Coldplay has everyone singing in girlish falsetto tones and caring about the environment, it's good to hear a guy who's not afraid to sing like a man and drive a chevy. Some people don't like country music; I understand, but this transcends country music. Trust me, give this song a try and you will be hooked. It's just a given that if I hear this song the repeat button will be pushed.


Office Space Soundtrack--Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangsta

I can't for the life of me find the name of the band, but this song rules. It would be my ringtone if I wasn't sure it would go off in front of my bishop and get me in serious trouble.


Patrick Park--Life is a Song I love this song. Before you think that Pat Park is another sissy song writer, just know that he is a martial arts champion and used to work as a bouncer in L.A. That's right, he can kill you with his words or with a roundhouse kick. Deal with it.


Red Hot Chili Peppers--Snow

This song is great. The Album is great. John Frusciante is one of the most amazing guitarists on the planet.


REM--Superman

REM was awesome back before Michael Stipe died. Do you hear me? Michael Stipe died in 1993, and REM never released Monster and he never became the flamingist man alive. You imagined all of that. So did all of your friends.

Rogue Wave--Eyes

This song is just great. Thanks Matt for the tip on these guys.

Sufjan Stevens --To Be Alone With You

Okay, as you listen you will realize that he is singing about a dude. But it's not just a dude, its THE dude, and I'm not talking Lebowski. The song is about how he feels about the Savior. It's understated nature is a great example of an artist dealing with religion without being preachy or heavy-handed.

White Stripes--Death Letter

This song rocks, and it's older than your grandfather. Get it, or consider your life a failure.

March Madness

Every year for march madness I fill out a bracket after carefull research and study. My bracket is almost never right. For some reason, the winner of whatever bracket contest I enter is almost always some girl who picked her teams on totally random criteria. So, this year I decided to try and beat the system. I've filled out two brackets. One, a legitimate bracket that I poured over, spending a long time trying to decide at what point having an inferior coach is going to cause Texas to lose even though they have the best player in the tournament. The other bracket, I decided to fill out using absolutely stupid criteria, trying to think as little as possible about things like who had the best players, worst coaches, total inability to defend, etc, and instead concentrate on things like whose uniform was shinier. I decided that for my blog today, I would run through the first round of my random bracket and explain my reasoning, or lack thereof.

Midwest

Florida vs. Jackson St.
I picked Florida because it is an actual state. I'm pretty sure that Jackson is not a State, which makes them guilty of false advertising. False advertising is a crime, and criminals never prosper.

Arizona vs. Purdue
The 8 and 9 seeds are always tough. I picked Purdue in my other bracket, but I'm going with Arizona in this bracket because I want to live there one day.

Butler vs. Old Dominion.

No question, you have to go for a team with a name like old dominion. They just sound cool. How have I never heard of a school with a cool name like this. Do they have a law school? I may have to transfer.

Maryland vs. Davidson

This is tough, I once visited Maryland and it was very humid, which I don't like. However, I had a Zone Leader named Davidson and he was pretty rough on me during my qualification...Hmmm... I'm going to pick Maryland on this one.

Notre Dame vs. Winthrop

Easy pick. Notre Dame has a way better fight song. Don't front, now that I've mentioned it, you've started singing it to yourself and it will haunt you the rest of the day.

Oregon v. Miami

Miami was the subject of one of the worst Will Smith songs ever, Oregon had Steve Prefontaine. In fact, just for the Prefontaine connection I have them making the elite eight in this bracket.

UNLV vs. Georgia Tech.

UNLV overcharges me for tuition and gave me much lower grades than I deserved. My pick: Georgia Tech.

Wisconsin vs Fake Texas A & M.
I like cheese. Wisconsin all the way.

West

Kansas v. Some poor team that has no chance.
Tough, but...I think I will go with Kansas on this one.

Kentucky v. Villanova
Now, this is an interesting game for those who actually follow college basketball. Villanova is probably underrated, Kentucky is probably overrated. Also, if they don't make the sweet sixteen, Kentucky's coach is probably going to lose his job so the pressure is on. In this bracket though, the choice was easy. Kentucky's coach is named Tubby, so I pick Kentucky.

Virginia Tech v. Illinois.
Tempting to pick Illinois cause I like their nickname, but I'm going to go with Virginia Tech because I think they are the more likely candidate to one day be featured in a David Lynch movie.

S. Illinois v. Holy Cross.
I already picked one catholic school, that's my limit. Southern Illinois takes this one.

Duke v. VCU
Again, if I were trying to take this seriously, I would point out that Duke in no way deserves a 6 seed and that they are the weakest Duke team in years. However, I like that the pronounciation of their coaches name in no way relates to its spelling, also, I like that they break people's noses when they are behind. I think Basketball needs more violence. You never hear of Basketball players being arrested, or fighting, or running around with guns, or being accused of Domestic violence. By all accounts, the NBA all star weekend was one of the most tame weekends in the history of Las Vegas. Basketball needs more violence and excitement.

Pittsburgh v. Wright.

Once knew a girl named Wright. Go Pitt.

Indiana v. Gonzaga
Adam Morrison isn't around to cry, so I'm okay with the Zags winning.

UCLA v. Weber St.
UCLA all the way. I knew a girl who went to Weber St.

East

North Carolina v. Eastern Kentucky
I have this theory that the state of Kentucky doesn't really exist, so I'm going with North Carolina, which I am 63% sure exists.

Marquette v. Michigan St.

I'm going with Michigan St. because Marquette sounds french.

USC v. Arkansas.
Hmmm... USC rejected me from their Law School, and the Governor of the state of Arkansas is a Runner, which means God is probably on Arkansas side. Look for the Arkansas upset.

Texas v. New Mexico St.
I've often theorized that once the Republicans finally succeed in erecting a wall on the Mexican border, they will try to rename New Mexico, most likely after Ronald Reagan. Which means his game would be Texas v. Reagonia State, and I just can't bring myself to root for Reagonia State; their name is weird. Texas all the way. And no, I did not allow my decision to be influenced by the fact that they have the best player in college basketball. Did anyone else notice that Danny Ainge is at all the Texas games lately?

Vanderbilt v. George Washington.
George Washington is on the quarter, and the dollar bill. What's Vanderbilt on?

Washington State v. Oral Roberts
That teams name is Oral! <>. Seriously though, Washington is on the quarter and the dollar bill.

Boston College v. Texas Tech
Texas Tech's mascot is Satan. Picking them would be a sin.

Georgetown v. Belmont.

Belmont is tempting because that is the name of an apartment complex at BYU populated by lots of people of questionable moral fiber. Their ward has the reputation of all the sacrament trays coming back full, if you know what I mean. However, Georgetown sounds more impressive. A whole town named George! I wonder if any of them are curious...

South

Ohio St. vs. Some Community College where the players are going to spend the game trying to get Greg Oden's autograph.

Duh.

BYU v. Xavier
Ignoring BYU's tendency to implode, and the fact that they are the whitest team on earth, and that Xavier is playing 80 miles from its home court, and that one of the refs has a documented grudge against BYU, I'm going to pick them because they are my Alma matter. Plus Xavier reminds me of X-men, and the last X-men movie was sub-par at best. By the way, the NCAA should really get a new ouija board when they do the seedings for next year. The one they used this year is clearly broken.

Tennessee v. Long Beach St.

Tennessee is harder to spell, but it is also where Elvis lived.

Virginia v. Albany
I can't find Albany on a map, so I'm going with Virginia.

Louisville v. Stanford.
Louisville was the subject of the worst Cameron Crowe movie ever that was not called "Jerry Maguire." How did the guy who made "Almost Famous" also make Elizabethtown? Most obvious drug habit since Billie Joe Armstrong. Go Stanford.*

*My decision was in no way influenced by the fact that Louisville's coach destroyed the Celtics. In no way. Not at all. Not even a little bit.**

**I might be lying.

Texas A & M v. Pennsylvania.

Texas A & M has an ampersand in its name, and I've always felt that Pennsylvania sounded like an especially unpleasant venereal disease. Go A & M!

Nevada v. Creighton.
I have no idea where Creighton is, and I love Nevada just because it drives locals crazy if they feel the name of their state is pronounced wrong, and I know the announcers are going to use the wrong pronunciation almost 90% of the time. (Note: It's a Spanish word, and YOU are all pronouncing it wrong, Nevada residents. You can yell all you want about how you don't like the shape of the world, but it's still going to be round).

Memphis v. North Texas

If I were a basketball fan I might make the standard comment that Memphis is over rated and then make the obligatory Paper Tiger comment. Instead, I'm just going to pick Memphis because it is in the state where Elvis lived.

War BYU upsetting Ohio State!

If they were rock bands...

Normally, I like to offer incisive commentary on relevant social issues, however, today I feel the need to dabble in something superficial and socially irrelevant: The upcoming presidential elections. I know that barely any attention is being paid to the upcoming elections even though they are only a mere 2 years away. Shame on the media for not devoting massive attention to presidential candidates so far away from the actual election.

All of this got me thinking, if the candidates were rock bands, which ones would they be? Here are my thoughts, feel free to post comments disagreeing or offering better comparisons.

Barack Obama: U2.

Watch this guy speak for five minutes and you will understand why people are deserting from the Hillary camp in droves. This guy has charisma to spare, just like Bono. Mark my words, this guy could upset Hillary. I predict this guy having more appeal with the youth of America than anyone since Robert Kennedy. Bottom line, this guy is going to appeal to minorities and youth voters, and we all know how important they are. Without the minority and youth votes, Al Gore and John Kerry would never have become presidents. Oh, wait....

By the way, does Obama remind anyone else of President Palmer in the first season of 24? I think we can agree that Palmer was the best fictional President ever (I'd take him over that commie, Bartlett any day). If Obama is the real life version of Palmer, that can only be a good thing. If he loses, I demand that he do commercials for Allstate Insurance. This is not up for discussion.

Hillary Clinton: Gwar.

Okay, this comparison is probably unfair. For those of you who don't know, Gwar was the favorite band of Beavis and Butthead. The band alleges to be from outer space and they have come to fight aliens, which they do in costume throughout their shows. This comparison is a little unfair because Gwar is far more credible than Hillary Clinton. However, like Gwar, Clinton is utterly ridiculous and impossible to take seriously. Just as no thinking person would ever buy a Gwar album, no thinking person would vote for someone as fake, insincere, and wholly manufactured as Hillary Clinton. I realize she is the establishment candidate, but she bears the stink of all of the Bill Clinton scandals and lacks her husband's charisma and gravitas. I toyed with making her the Long Beach All Stars, with Bill Clinton's Presidency being Sublime, but the more I scope youtube clips of Gwar, the more Hillary Clinton came to mind.

Please Democrats, elect Barack Obama.

Dennis Kucinich: Andrew W.K.

If you don't know who Andrew W.K. is, I weep for you. W. K. is a rock innovator. Go scope out his youtube clip at the following location and remember these two things.

1) He's not joking, he is serious. This is his band, and his music is meant to be taken seriously.
2) Rolling Stone gave this dude four stars. A complete rave review.

Go watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdcDvEg4mSw

Okay, just like W.K., Kucinich is unintentionally hysterical, completely insane, and impossible to take seriously. Props to him for running to try and draw attention to a cause, but Al Gore is already drawing attention to the same cause. Speaking of Gore

Al Gore: Master P.

Master P is obscenely wealthy and no one knows why. He has weak rhymes and his music sucks. Similarly, people like Al Gore and I can't figure out why. He's not particularly intelligent, never really done anything of real benefit to society, and seems to have all the charisma of a young Pete Sampras. His singular accomplishment is winning an Oscar for a very long public service announcement asking people to please turn down their air conditioners. How does that not stink of failed politician. He's technically not a candidate, and hopefully stays that way.

By the way, while we are on the subject, living a "Carbon Neutral Lifestyle" as Al Gore claims to is ridiculous. The idea that you can offset the fact that you caused more pollution than a small town just so you could roll around in your private jet and pimp your movie by donating money to environmental research is a total crock. Essentially, it is a way that rich people can feel better about raping mother earth all the while telling you and I to not pollute. You can't buy forgiveness, Al. You fat hypocrite.

P.S. Part of Al Gore's family fortune comes from Tobacco revenue.

John McCain: Beck

Just like Beck, McCain has always kind of done his own thing. He's actually a very popular and well liked politician , except in the republican party. Too bad he's running for the republican nomination. If McCain had the stones, he could run as an independent, with Lieberman as his VP, and probably win and change the face of politics as we know it. However, this will never happen.

Rudy Giuliani: Johnny Cash

That's right, Johnny Freaking Cash. Giuliani is tough, has the street cred, and his popularity transcends ordinary political boundaries, just as Cash managed to transcend country music and break into the mainstream, Giuliani has huge mainstream appeal. If he can win a primary, he can win the election. However, just like Cash, Giuliani has some baggage in his personal life. Cash eventually found Jesus, right about now would be a mighty convenient time for Rudy to do the same. He might have troubles winning the nomination with a pro-choice, pro-gay rights agenda, but the nation loves him. Even if he loses, he should end up in the cabinet. He would be a great Attorney General, or head of Homeland Security. Of everyone running, he probably has the most talent for governing. This win would not disappoint.

Mitt Romney: The White Stripes.

On paper, the White Stripes shouldn't work. There's only two of them, and the drummer sucks. The songs are fairly straightforward and uncomplicated. Ditto Romney. There's no way the Mormon businessman, who's political experience consists of one term as Governor of the Idiocracy of Massachusetts, should have a chance. Yet, he's fast emerging as the critics' choice. The people who run the republican party really like him and the conservative commentators are all on board. He makes the drudge report every day and he has the benefit of actually being a conservative. He gets mad props for saving the Salt Lake City Olympics and he has a reputation for saving failing businesses (apt analogy for the current republican party). Can he break out and appeal to the main stream? I put the chances of that on par with Meg and Jack White. Chances are good, but the media hates Mormons (probably because while the media pretends to value service and helping other people, Mormons actually do it). Expect all kinds of bigoted, half true stories of Mormons from the likes of Bryant Gumbel (idiot) and Matt Lauer (bigot), and pretty much every leftist media outlet, or fundamentalist christian rag.

P.S. How awesome would it be to have a Romney v. Obama election? A Mormon or an African American as president? The south might have to secede again. I really hope these two are the candidates.

Mike Huckabee: Sufjan Stevens.

Deeply Christian, not widely known. Loved by those who do know him. He's a total underdog, but by all accounts a really good guy. The Christian right really loves him, and most of America now associates the Christian right with George W. Bush, so don't expect their endorsement to go very far. Chances of him breaking out are slim, just like Sufjan Stevens, but it could happen.

P.S. If you don't know who Sufjan Stevens is, you are wasting your life. This includes you, UNICEF workers! Go download "To be alone with you" right now. this is not even optional.

That is the take on the current field. I left out Newt Gingrich because I refuse to believe that the world could hate me enough to let him run. That tests the bounds of fairness. Also, I left out Ralph Nader because I intend to one day to a post about how many people have been killed as an indirect result of Ralph Nader (his band, incidentally, would have been Cake). Sorry that the post was long and fundamentally unfunny. More posts this week when I have time.