Wednesday, January 30, 2008

If they were Oscars

Here at the Simsisms institute of political science, we periodically like to try and make the state of modern politics accessible to the masses. In order to better illustrate the strengths and weaknesses of each candidate, we've decided to compare them to Oscar nominated movies. This decision turned out to be pretty hard once we realized that we hadn't actually seen any of these movies. But, we did cruise the wikipedia entry for each movie, which we assume is just as good (the wiki for Atonement had us practically bawling). So, here is the current field of Candidates lined up with the Oscar nominated movie they most closely resemble.



John McCain- No Country For Old Men.


The whole point of the movie is that the world is a dark scary random place where anything, especially bad things, can happen. Things like John McCain becoming your president.








Mitt Romney- Across the Universe.


Across the Universe is an incoherent mess of a film that basically exists so that people can sing a bunch of songs that the BEATLES sung a lot better. Mitt Romney basically says a lot of far right things that Ronald Reagan used to say a lot better. Thankfully, Mitt Romney doesn't feature any cameos by Bono (writer's plea to Bono, please, go back to saving Africa and leave film alone).









Fred Thompson-Zodiac

Zodiac was, by all accounts, a really good movie, and was not nominated for any Oscars. Fred Thompson, pretty good candidate, no longer running for president.







Mike Huckabee-Juno


Juno is about a teenager giving birth to a child out of wedlock. Children born out of wedlock are called illegitimate children. Illegitimate children are sometimes called bastards, and Mike Huckabee is a....well, you get the point.








Er...Sorry, wrong picture. We would never openly suggest on this blog that Mike Huckabee is a bigot, no matter how much we think it, say it, write songs about it, or print bumper stickers to that effect.







By the way, Arrested Development was the funniest show ever. Funnier than Seinfeld. There, we said it.


Rudy Giulianni- Michael Clayton.
Michael Clayton is a lawyer movie that has no chance a winning an Oscar. Rudy Giulianni is a lawyer who has no chance of winning the presidency. In fact, he's probably about to drop out. Kind of like Michael Clayton's plot drops out about 2/3rds of the way through the movie.




We tried to find an interesting picture of George Clooney to post here, but Simsisms has a policy about posting pictures of people who might be better looking than Brad (he's easily threatened). Instead, we're posting this picture of Vanity Smurf because we really can't see much of a difference between him and George anyway.


Hillary Clinton - There will be blood


There Will Be Blood is a character study of a fundamentally evil man. Hillary is a fundamentally evil man. Any questions?



"I Drink Your Government Subsidized Milkshake!"



Barrack Obama
- In the Valley of Elah


In the Valley of Elah, which nabs a nomination for Tommy Lee Jones, was a movie tangentially related to the Iraq War that everyone seemed to like except for the people who actually saw it. Critics practically lost bowel control with their excitement over this film, but ordinary folks who took the time to watch it responded with a resounding "meh". Obama inspires great admiration and excitement in people who have never actually listened to his speeches. Those of us who have are less enthusiastic.


See look:



That's the Valley of Elah. Maybe it sounded cool to you at first, but now that you've seen a picture, don't front, you don't find it the least bit interesting. We're willing to bet you'd rather play Nintendo Wii than look at that picture again. By the same token, we'd rather play Nintendo Wii than listen to Barrack Obama talk about invading Pakistan again.



John Edwards- Eastern Promises.


Eastern Promises is a crazy movie about thugs trying to cut off Viggo Mortensen's balls in a knife fight. John Edwards is a thug trying to cut off America's balls in the knife fight on terror. We can't stress enough how much this man should not be president. Voting for him should be a felony, punishable by being forced to knife fight naked Viggo Mortensen. And memo to future candidates, if you want to market yourself as one who represents a certain group (as John Edwards "represents" the poor), try not to pick a group that you despise (like John Edwards, who doesn't actually like, or even know, poor people).


We imagine that this is what John Edwards looks like when he takes his shirt off, only with a pentagram instead of a cross.



That's your options for president. Have fun voting. We have our own ideas of what to do after the election.




Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Love Power

Love. It's the greatest power in the universe. Get with it y'all. Get with the love.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

President Hinckley

The Promised Post for Monday has been shifted until a later date. It just didn't seem right to post it. President Gordon B. Hinckley has passed away and this world has lost one of the greatest men to ever walk upon it. I remember the first time I ever saw President Hinckley in person. I was a freshman at BYU and he came for a Tuesday devotional. The Marriot Center was packed hours before he was scheduled to arrive. About a half hour before the devotional was about to begin, the administrators decided to have the audience sing hymns to pass the time and get everyone in the proper mood for the program. After some time, we were in the middle of singing a hymn (How Great Thou Art, if I remember correctly) when suddenly I felt a change in the room. It was as if someone had just turned on a light switch. I knew at that moment, before I could see him, before anyone else had even realized he was there, that a Prophet of God had entered my presence. The Holy Ghost testified to me at that moment who President Hinckley was. From that time forward I knew that there was a Prophet of God on this earth and I have never doubted it since.

I had the opportunity to be present at other times when the Prophet spoke, and every time I received the same feeling and was given the same witness. There are, no doubt, thousands of tributes that will be given of this great man, and though I doubt many people will ever read this, I wish to offer my tribute as well. I know that Gordon B. Hinckley was a prophet of God, divinely called to lead His church in this day and age. I will miss his example, his humor, but most of all, his testimony that God lives and that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer. May President Hinckley rest in peace; he has certainly earned it. He will be sorely missed.

Friday, January 25, 2008

House Keeping

Okay Simisms Loyalists, time for a little housekeeping.

1) Most of you have by now realized that there is no real rhyme or reason to when a new post will appear. Some weeks will have a new post every day, sometimes there won't be updates for a long time. If you are wondering how to keep up with Simsisms (and who among us hasn't been wondering about this very issue), without having to check for a blog update every day, I'd like to take this time to introduce you to RSS feeds.

If you look at the address bar at the top of you browser, you will probably see this little icon:



That's the RSS icon. If you go click on it, a little window will pop up asking you if you want to add the RSS feed of that webpage to either google reader, or your iGoogle homepage. This means, that whenever that page is updates, it will appear in your google reader or on your iGoogle homepage. I have a number of RSS feeds for blogs on my Google Homepage, generally, blogs from my friends who update more than once a month (update your blog, Jason). When there blogs are updated, it shows up on my google homepage. If you are not using google homepage, well I invite you to cancel your Juno or Prodigy account, quit posting to a BBS, and join the rest of us in the year 2008. Once Simsisms is on your homepage, you will be able to tell whenever simsisms is updated.

2) There is a new post coming on Monday, It's already written and I'll probably put it up Monday morning. Also, all my grades are in and there are some shocking results! I'll probably hit that subject in a blog next week too.

3) A lot of people have asked what I'm going to blog about this semester since all of my teachers are competent and likeable, well, I'm sure that there will be plenty to talk about in pop culture and politics, but, I'm also introducing a segment called "What's my Beef?" I'm stealing this idea from Jay Leno. He used to do a bit back in the 70's and 80's (back when he was funny) called "What's my Beef" about basically anything that had him pissed off at that time. I'll be coming up with a few myself, but I'm soliciting ideas from my loyal readers. If there's something that's got you pissed off (example, grades from a certain subject that rhymes with Spronstitutional Caw), let me know and I will blog about it. Better yet, right down your own feelings on the subject and I will happily post them here on the internets.

4) LOST begins next week. In honor of the occasion I've put a countdown clock up at the top of the blog which will stay there til Thursday night.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Verdict on recent stories.

Today's post features review and comment on recent stories in the media.

Heath Ledger's Death.

This is just a sad, sad story. We'll probably never know what happened but the important thing is that there is a little girl who will grow up without a father, and that's just wrong. I never really watched any of his movies, but I was looking forward to seeing The Dark Knight, in which he plays the Joker. Here's hoping that it was a fitting final movie.

Final Verdict:





Totally F'd Up.


The Upcoming Election


The more I get to know these candidates the less I want any of them to be president. McCain is old, Romney is too right wing, Thompson dropped out, Huckabee is another George Bush, Hillary is evil in a pants suit, Obama is inexperienced, John Edwards is clueless and hates poor people, and Ron Paul is insane. I'm eternally grateful that I'm not registered as a member of any political party and I don't vote in Primary Elections. Every time I watch the evening news I can't help but think we're screwed.

Final Verdict:


Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.


The Price of Oil

The price of oil is outrageous, and I can't help but feel angry when I hear that oil companies are reporting record profits. The thing that really makes me angry is the hypocrisy of the government. You keep seeing senators and congressmen tsk tsking the oil companies for making money, but the government makes billions of dollars off unnecessary taxes on oil revenues, which they use to fund needless entitlements and pork barrel spending. Anyone in the government who acts outraged about the price of oil is a hypocrite. If they really cared, they'd lift the oil tax (at least 50 cents a gallon) which disproportionately affects the poor.

Final Verdict:



An outraged "Hell no!"


The Writers' Strike


People who make lots of money, griping about needing to make more money, and keeping me from enjoying my new season of LOST. Get your new media rights the DGA arranged for you and shut up about the other stuff. You're lucky that the final season of the Wire was already in the can before the strike.

Final Verdict:



Get back to writing.


The Oscars

Oscar Nominations for Zodiac- 0, Nominations for Norbit- 1.
'Nuff Said.

Final Verdict:


Oscars Never get it right.


Peter is back from Mexico and Blogging.

Peter finally got back from saving Mexico, and he's back to blogging. I urge everyone to read his blog.


Final Verdict:

"Say Hello to my Little Friend!"


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Cloning

Scott Adams, creator of the Dilbert comic strip has one of the best and most entertaining blogs on the internet that you aren't reading. Here's a fantastic example of a typical entry. This has to do with Adams' thoughts on Human Cloning, and it is just wrong on so many levels.

http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2008/01/good-eatin.html


P.S. Still waiting on one grade.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Bad Idea Jeans

One of my favorite SNL commercial parodies from the 80's. You absolutely must watch it to understand many of the comments I'm going to make on this page over the next several months.


BAD IDEA JEANS

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Small update

I have 3 of 4 grades and so far results are better than anticipated. I'm still waiting on the con law grade, and who knows when that one will be in, since the professor may have had to wade through 5,000+ pages of awful student writing if she decided not to just spot check. Anyway, I will post the complete results once all grades are in.

Until then, here's a link to 5 of the most creative schools ever designed. Highley interesting and I encourage you all to check it out. Link is available here

Also, no one has responded to my challenge to run a marathon. Let my assuage those of you with doubts. Anyone can run a marathon, they now have double amputees who run them. Mayor Bloomberg ran the New York Marathon. It does take a little bit of training, but it is a great way to get in shape, lose weight, and at the end there is an unrivaled feeling of accomplishment. I'll post some training programs in the coming days for those who are looking to see what's involved. I promise you though, it's not beyond anyone's abilities.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Must read.

Best. Blog. Ever.

http://bozemanpr.blogspot.com/

P.S. Some of you have not posted resolutions. SLACKERS!

P.P.S. I've decided that I'm not running a mrarthon this year unless a group of people want to do it with me. If you are interested, the best choice is probably St. George. If you deicide to do it now, that gives everyone 10 months to train. Holla if you are interested.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of year again everyone. I've decided rather than just half-heartedly scribbling my resolutions and forgetting about them a week later, I'm posting them on the Internets for all to see. I challenge everyone to do the same. You have to come up with at least 7-10.


1) Read the Doctrine and Covenants again.


The D & C is sadly ignored by the rising generation in the Church. There's a lot in there and I've forgotten most of it. Time to go back and re-learn.

2) Attend the temple at least monthly


Law School has killed my temple attendance. It's embarrassing to admit, but I let it get away from me, especially during finals. Sure, the Las Vegas temple is the world's most inconveniently located temple in the world, but I'm not going to let that keep me from going.


3) Read the Book of Mormon at least Twice.


I haven't missed a day of reading the BoM in years, but once you get something down, it's time to get better at it. I'm going to try to get in even more reading this year.


4) Read the Lectures on Faith.


I've never read them because I'm a slacker. Time to repent.


5) Read my Joseph Smith Lesson BEFORE priesthood meeting on Sunday.


I know that no YSA has ever read the lesson beforehand in the history of the church, but I also know God rewards preparation and I think this would be a good way to get more out of my church meetings.


5) Get Married.


Full disclosure, I'm putting this one in mostly because the Bishop would tell me to if he knew of this Blog's existence. Though I do intend to date a little more this year. My apologies in advance to women everywhere. This resolution does not apply during finals.


6) Learn another Clapton Solo


I'm planning on the solo from his version of Don't Think Twice It's Allright. If you've never seen it, here it is.




I'm thinking that should keep me busy for at least a year. By the way, I love how every time people start talking about how Clapton has lost it, he goes out and does something like this.


7) Eliminate any non-school oriented debt.


Again, needs no explanation. However, this one goes into effect right after I by my Ipod Nano.


8) Keep a journal.


I used to be good at this, Alas, another casualty of Law School living.


9) Lose five pounds of fat, gain 10 pounds of muscle.

Generally I tend to fluctuate throughout the year depending on what I'm doing, but as of this morning I'm at 155 lbs, and I've creeped all the way up to 9% body fat. The weight isn't bad, but the fat is not good. Plus, I've been thinking of putting on muscle so I don't look like a pansy. All this goes out the window though if I decide to do a marathon, in which case, the goal becomes get as scrawny as possible and try and inch myself back to my svelt racing weight of 145.


10) Find something to replace my potato chip addiction.


I love potato chips, and given the chance I can eat them by the bag. But that's tremendously unhealthy. I'm going to start eating healthier in 2008. I'm not jsut looking to junk potato chips, I'm going to try to ditch junk food in general. If only I could find something healthy that was as tasty and filling as junk food. Just writing this makes me want to go grab another piece of Mom's banana cream pie. I welcome any suggestions for Potato chip replacements.

11) Get involved in a worthwhile community service.

I'm thinking it's time to get involved with service in the legal community. I had mixed feelings about being voluntold to teach that paternity class last semester. I'm looking around for a good way to get involved in a little more meaningful way, hopefully in a lawyer-like capacity.

12) This summer= 35 miles a week.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, but it's happening. This summer I am a running machine. I haven't decided whether to run a marathon or not, but just in case...I'm going to be ready. In the Meantime, I'm going to work back up to my pre-finals level of 30 miles a week.


P.S. It would be pretty cool to get a large group together to do the St. George Marathon this year. I'm not commiting to doing it, but it is floating around in the back of my mind.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

40 Spur of the moment questions

I haven't forgotten about my new year's resolutions, they'll probably be up wednesday or thursday. I'm still trying to decide whether to keep one or two of them. In the meantime, this is floating around facebook, I thought I'd post it up here. It's kind of interesting to do these things once in a while, it would be very interesting if some of you bloggers out there were to post your own responses up on your blogs.

40 Spur of the moment questions.

1. Where were you 2 hours ago?
Hockey Game.

2. What do you think of your last kiss?
It was deceptive.

3. Do you kiss a lot of people?
Not really. I think I'm past the random meaningless hookup stage of my life. I'll leave that to you young people. Although I did do a fair amount of necking in institute this past semester...(sorry, inside joke).

4. Are you wearing socks right now?
Yes.

5. When was the last time you went out of state?
Technically, I'm out of state right now. Unless you are talking about going out of a state of concsciousness or a state of perception of one's own reality. In which case, I'd rather not share.

6. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No. Who goes to movies anymore? They're expensive and you have to share a theater with really idiotic and rude people. I'd rather watch a movie at home, where the only idiotic and rude person I have to worry about is me.

7. What was the last alcoholic thing you had to drink?
Nyquil.

8. Who was the last person to hear you cry?
Uhm, my MTC district? I'm not one for the water works. I'm far too manly to cry in front of people. Besides, I'm usually too busy killing something with my bare hands and then eating it to find time cry. I really don't know where all those nancy boys on TV fit it in.

9. Who was the last person to make you smile?
Baby Thomas cracked me up last week.

10. What was the last food you ate?
Mom's Chocolate Chip Cookies. Delicious. I ate like 18 of them in the past 24 hours. I'm in no way addicted to sugar. Mmmmmm...Sugar.

11. What was the last drink you had?
Water. If you know me at all, you know I rarely drink anything else.

12. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
No.

13. Do you have a pet?
No. I once had a pet rock. It died.

14. What did you do last night?
Watched Elder Holland's talk from last conference on the DVR. What can I say, the party never stops when I'm around.

15. Where are you now?
My parents' house in Cali.

16. If you could be anywhere you want where would it be?
There's a hill in Aracoiaba De Serra and at night when you look up at the sky it seems like you can see the entire universe spread out before you. I think it would be cool to see that sky again.

17. What is the last thing you purchased online?
Due to recent changes in what constitutes "Human Trafficking," My lawyer advises me not to respond to that question.

18. One thing you dont like about yourself?
My inability to narrow my personal insecurities down to one answer.

19. What does the 10th text in your inbox say?
Once again, my lawyer advises me not to answer a potentially incriminating question.

20. Do you miss anyone?
Yes.

21. Last movie you saw?
We saw Live Free or Die Hard again on Sunday. Kevin Smith should really never act again.

22. What are your plans for tomorrow?
I'm either going to run 8 miles, or ride a stationary bike until my legs shut down. A small part of me wants to do both. 3 years ago, I would have, but Inow I'm a decrepit old man who is in miserable shape.

23. Did you have fun today?
Yeah.

24. Who is your last text message from?
Chad. We were discussing stuff about the house.

25. Were you an honor roll student in school?
I think so. It's been about a decade since I graduated, so, I don't exactly remember. I wasn't a good student though, I mostly coasted through school on my ability to reenact any part of the 'Thriller" music video on demand. This always seemed to earn me at least B in any subject, except for music for some reason...

26. What do you know about the future?
Nothing, that's what makes the future so interesting.

27. Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Mike Moore.

28. Where were you going?
Hockey Game.

30. What was your summer like?
Worked for Judge Cory and had a blast.

31. Did you meet anyone new today?
Yes.

32. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
No. I hate needles. Plus, I'm really not muscular enough to pull off a tattoo. No offense, but who wants to see a scrawny lawyer with a tattoo?

33. How do you like your soda?
I don't. I haven't has a carbonated beverage in years.

34. Who was the last person to make you cry?
Britney. Why can't they leave her alone!? I'm kidding in an attempt to deflect attention away from the fact that there is no way I'm going to give a straight answer to this question.

35. What did you do today?
Running, lifting, sleeping, hockey game. Also, ate 18 or so cookies.

36. What day is tomorrow?
The day where I change the world. Or the channel, haven't decided which.

37. What is your current mood?
Relaxed.

38. Do you like someone?
Yes.

40. Why are/arent you with them?
Because.

Monday, January 07, 2008

5 Myths about voting

Excellent article on Washignton Post's Website about things we think are true about voting, but really aren't. Recommended reading for anyone planning on voting this year.

You can read the full article here.

I'm planning on posting my new year's resolutions sometime later this week. I encourage everyone else with a blog to post their resolutions on their sites as well. Something about publicizing your goals makes it more likely that you won't forget or neglect them. Look for my resolutions later this week.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Britney this week.

5 years ago would you have ever thought that Britney Spears would be in the same category of parenting as Michael Jackson. For those who haven't heard, Brit held her children hostage and refused to give them back to their father after her court scheduled visitation. She was sedated and forceably hauled off on a stretcher. From a legal perspective, this basically means that her involvement in her children's lives is over. K-Fed's lawyer has already moved to terminate Brit's visitation rights. Let this be a lesson to you, kids, don't do drugs. But, even if you do drugs, always comply with court orders. Doing drugs will get you in trouble, but not obeying court orders makes judges mad and they start looking around for things they can do to get your attention, like using every means at their disposal to ruin your life. If the court order says you have to give your kids back, you need to give your kids back. Otherwise, you end up strqpped to a gurney in a mental hospital and the government will give your kids to K-Fed. If that doesn't scare you straight, nothing will.