If they were Oscars

Here at the Simsisms institute of political science, we periodically like to try and make the state of modern politics accessible to the masses. In order to better illustrate the strengths and weaknesses of each candidate, we've decided to compare them to Oscar nominated movies. This decision turned out to be pretty hard once we realized that we hadn't actually seen any of these movies. But, we did cruise the wikipedia entry for each movie, which we assume is just as good (the wiki for Atonement had us practically bawling). So, here is the current field of Candidates lined up with the Oscar nominated movie they most closely resemble.



John McCain- No Country For Old Men.

The whole point of the movie is that the world is a dark scary random place where anything, especially bad things, can happen. Things like John McCain becoming your president.








Mitt Romney- Across the Universe.

Across the Universe is an incoherent mess of a film that basically exists so that people can sing a bunch of songs that the BEATLES sung a lot better. Mitt Romney basically says a lot of far right things that Ronald Reagan used to say a lot better. Thankfully, Mitt Romney doesn't feature any cameos by Bono (writer's plea to Bono, please, go back to saving Africa and leave film alone).









Fred Thompson-Zodiac

Zodiac was, by all accounts, a really good movie, and was not nominated for any Oscars. Fred Thompson, pretty good candidate, no longer running for president.







Mike Huckabee-Juno

Juno is about a teenager giving birth to a child out of wedlock. Children born out of wedlock are called illegitimate children. Illegitimate children are sometimes called bastards, and Mike Huckabee is a....well, you get the point.








Er...Sorry, wrong picture. We would never openly suggest on this blog that Mike Huckabee is a bigot, no matter how much we think it, say it, write songs about it, or print bumper stickers to that effect.







By the way, Arrested Development was the funniest show ever. Funnier than Seinfeld. There, we said it.


Rudy Giulianni- Michael Clayton.
Michael Clayton is a lawyer movie that has no chance a winning an Oscar. Rudy Giulianni is a lawyer who has no chance of winning the presidency. In fact, he's probably about to drop out. Kind of like Michael Clayton's plot drops out about 2/3rds of the way through the movie.




We tried to find an interesting picture of George Clooney to post here, but Simsisms has a policy about posting pictures of people who might be better looking than Brad (he's easily threatened). Instead, we're posting this picture of Vanity Smurf because we really can't see much of a difference between him and George anyway.


Hillary Clinton - There will be blood

There Will Be Blood is a character study of a fundamentally evil man. Hillary is a fundamentally evil man. Any questions?


"I Drink Your Government Subsidized Milkshake!"



Barrack Obama- In the Valley of Elah


In the Valley of Elah, which nabs a nomination for Tommy Lee Jones, was a movie tangentially related to the Iraq War that everyone seemed to like except for the people who actually saw it. Critics practically lost bowel control with their excitement over this film, but ordinary folks who took the time to watch it responded with a resounding "meh". Obama inspires great admiration and excitement in people who have never actually listened to his speeches. Those of us who have are less enthusiastic.

See look:

That's the Valley of Elah. Maybe it sounded cool to you at first, but now that you've seen a picture, don't front, you don't find it the least bit interesting. We're willing to bet you'd rather play Nintendo Wii than look at that picture again. By the same token, we'd rather play Nintendo Wii than listen to Barrack Obama talk about invading Pakistan again.



John Edwards- Eastern Promises.

Eastern Promises is a crazy movie about thugs trying to cut off Viggo Mortensen's balls in a knife fight. John Edwards is a thug trying to cut off America's balls in the knife fight on terror. We can't stress enough how much this man should not be president. Voting for him should be a felony, punishable by being forced to knife fight naked Viggo Mortensen. And memo to future candidates, if you want to market yourself as one who represents a certain group (as John Edwards "represents" the poor), try not to pick a group that you despise (like John Edwards, who doesn't actually like, or even know, poor people).

We imagine that this is what John Edwards looks like when he takes his shirt off, only with a pentagram instead of a cross.



That's your options for president. Have fun voting. We have our own ideas of what to do after the election.