Meditations on important things

There's a lot of blog worthy things occurring in the world today. Shootings on army bases, health care debates, the season finale of Mad Men, all of these things deserve their own blog. But here at SIMSISMS we are all about the issues. And that is why today's blog is about the most important debate raging in America today: Who would win in a three way battle to the death between Ninja's, Pirates, and Zombies. This is the question that is on the mind of every right-thinking American, and that is why we are going to analyze it today. Let's look at the players and how they stack up against each other:

Category: Abilities

Pirates are noted for their ability with swords, guns, canons, and have the unique ability to buckle something called a swash. Ninjas are masters of misdirection, martial arts, sword play, guerrilla tactics, assassination, and stopping the evil forces of the Shredder. Zombies, as they are already dead, are nearly invulnerable unless you take out the zombie brain, and they have the ability to gorge themselves on human flesh until their zombie stomachs burst.

Edge: Ninjas.

All of the above mentioned abilities are impressive, but Ninja abilities are a cut above the rest. While Pirates are handy with a sword, Ninjas are total devotees of advanced sword fighting. I'm sorry, but dedication and training have to count for something. Ninjas are the clear winners in this category.

Category: Weapons

Pirates, as mentioned above, have the standard weapons of flintlock pistols, muskets, cannons and a trusty cutlass. Ninjas have throwing stars, swords, arrows, nunchuks, and if Batman is to be believed, they also have explosives and primitive forms of LSD. Zombies prefer a more organic approach to weaponry, using only their bare hands to tear you to pieces. Although, zombies have been known to use weapons of opportunity, such as clubs, pipes, or the severed limbs of victims.

Edge: Zombies

The pirate and ninja weapons are kind of a wash (although the ninja claws that Storm Shadow came with in one of his action figure incarnations were about the coolest thing ever), but there's something about being your own deadly weapon that gives Zombies a slight edge here. Plus, if you were going to be killed, we imagine that being clubbed to death with the leg of one of your recently defenestrated family members is a whole lot more terrifying than musket fire or a throwing star.

Category: Motivation

Pirates were generally motivated by money, which should speak to all of you except for those of you hippies who think the world runs on love and flowers (yeah, that's how we'll pay for universal healthcare. Roses and hugs. Nice job, hippies). If TV is correct (and it always is) then every Ninja in history was motivated by the need to avenge their sensei who was murdered by their rival who then later stole their girlfriend and raised the Ninja's illegitimate child as their own, never telling the child the truth about their father until the final, epic battle that takes place in a burning building of some sort. Zombies are motivated by the unquenchable desire to eat your brains. This desire is so intense it gives them life after death and allows them to keep going as their flesh is rotting off and their bodies are decaying (like Lindsay Lohan!).

Edge: Pirates.

Have you read this site? Go capitalism!

Category: Weakness

Pirates are well known booze hounds, so their weakness is probably desire for alcohol and cirrhosis. One good shot to the liver and your average pirate is probably doubling over in pain. Ninjas weakness is their sense of honor, or some stupid unrealistic crap like that. They would want to win a fight honorably, rather than throwing sand in the eyes of their opponent then bashing in his skull with a rock. Zombies, well, lets just say that they aren't exactly deep thinkers. They just wander around mumbling about eating brains. Deductive reasoning and elevated tactical planning are not going to figure into your average zombie assault (yet another thing they have in common with the French).

Edge: No clear winner.

These are all terrible weaknesses. Though the Zombie weakness is probably a little worse than the Pirate/Ninja weaknesses.

Category: Most famous portrayal by an actor

Most famous actor to portray a pirate? Duh.




Okay, okay. It was this guy:




Most Famous actor to be a Ninja?


That's right, Batman and Oskar Schindler.

Most famous Zombie portrayal...

Best music video of all time. Don't tell Kanye.

Edge: Ninjas.

How can you beat the awesomeness of Qui-gon Jin and the kid from Newsies. Okay, but the kid from Newsies has done other stuff. And neither of them ever made a weird Willy Wonka remake or touched children inappropriately (allegedly). There's just too much awesomeness in the Ninja category for it to even be close.

Final Verdict

Ninjas win, all the way. If there were a fight they'd whip on the pirates through superior arms and strategy. The zombies would be more difficult, because of their viciousness and superior numbers, but the Ninjas eventually set the zombies on fire and ride off into the sunset. Difficult decision, but we're declaring the Ninjas the winners.

New Challenge for Uncle Danny

Okay Danny, here's the new song. I'm demanding that you learn it immediately.

Soliciting Ideas

So, I'm trying to come up with a christmas list. So far, not a whole lot is on there. So, I'm opening it up to the world. What should I ask for? Here's the list so far:

Black, brown, gray, or Navy blue socks, solid in color.

Guitar strings, Martin Extra lights

TAG Heuer Mens Aquaracer WAF1112.BA0801 Watch

Ceramic Guitar Slide

Box of vanilla power gels.

AMEX

Gladstone from cracked.com's open letter to American Express. Pretty much sums up the experience many people have had with their credit cards this year.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/an-open-letter-to-american-express/

Dear Little Danny

I've found a new song for you to learn. Please have this down by the end of the day.

Universal Rapture Coverage.

Like most Americans, I spend a lot of time worrying about the rapture. For those of you heathens who don't know, the rapture is when God returns to earth and takes the believers with him to heaven, leaving all the unbelievers behind to fight amongst themselves, at least if the Kirk Cameron movies are to be believed.

Now, while not an evangelical, I do consider myself a Christian. I think I live a pretty good life. I don't commit any major sins, I don't drink or smoke, I read my scriptures daily, and I only jaywalk in emergency situations. However, according to Born-Again Christianity, I'm still probably not good enough to get taken up at the rapture. Apparently, God is not down with Mormons. I'm told by my Evangelical Christian friends that He hates Mormons even more than Muslims, Catholics, and Gays. So, I find myself worrying about what will happen to me during the rapture. Even though the rapture is never actually mentioned in the Bible, a lot of people seem convinced of its truthfulness. If we've learned anything from the last couple of years, it's that beliefs held by large groups of Americans are never wrong. Many people believed that there were weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, and we are still finding piles of WMD's daily. Many people believed that real-estate values would continue to skyrocket, and housing prices continue to skyrocket and real-estate demand is still at an all-time high. Likewise, since so many people believe in the rapture, I'm convinced that it will occur.

This leaves me with a significant problem. What if I get "left behind?" No one can predict exactly what will become of those unbelievers left behind at His coming, but since those left behind will all be sinners, it's a pretty safe bet that it won't be pretty. Knowing this, I've been looking around trying to find some way to hedge against the coming post-rapture disaster. I'm talking, of course, about rapture insurance.

Think about it. After the rapture, society is going to pretty much be on its way out. You are going to need coverage so you can stockpile the provisions and ammunition you need to last as long as you can until the inevitable sinner-zombie apocalypse sends you to the fiery pit of despair where you cannot find relief. And, even if you are taken up, what's going to happen to your loved ones who are sinners? Would you really feel good in heaven knowing that your loved ones left behind were not taken care of?

I've cruised the internets searching for rapture insurance, but the results are very discouraging. Of the major insurance carriers, NONE of them carry rapture insurance. How did this oversight occur? Blue Cross informs me that my policy will cover any injuries I sustain in the rapture, provided that they are not the result of a pre-existing condition. However, if one is left behind in the rapture, it will be because of unbelief prior to the rapture which is by definition a pre-existing condition and any injuries one suffers in the rapture will not be covered. My renter's insurance and car insurance do not offer rapture coverage, and are totally useless because they don't cover "acts of God." What do you think the rapture is people!?!

There are groups on the internets of fundamentalist Christians that offer rapture insurance, but it can be costly and many people refuse to buy this specialized rapture insurance. People think that it is too expensive, or that they somehow don't need it. They either don't believe in the rapture or think that they are good Christians and they are spiritually healthy enough that they will not need rapture insurance. Sure, today you might be in good spiritual condition, but you never know what the future will hold. You could find yourself in the midst of an existential crisis and while suffering from unbelief the rapture could hit without warning and you would be left behind and you would have NO INSURANCE COVERAGE. Also, just because you don't believe in the rapture doesn't mean it won't happen. People who believe that organic food is healthy still get cancer, Christian Scientists still get sick in spite of not believing in medicine, Scientologists still are crazy as loons in spite of not believing in psychiatry.

What will happen to the people who don't purchase rapture insurance? It is likely that those people will become a burden on society. We will collectively have to bear the burden of our co-sinners foolishness. They will become a drain on the public as we are all faced to pay for them through higher rapture insurance premiums and taxes to take care of them when they fall on public assistance. All of this could be avoided however, if everyone would simply purchase rapture insurance themselves.

The costs and risks associated with the rapture are simply too great to let people chart their own course on this. If we continue to allow people to choose whether or not to purchase rapture insurance, many will inevitably make the wrong and foolish choice of going without. People will continue to live in denial and rely on the myth of their own invincibility so that they can have a few extra dollars a month. Money that they will probably spend on sinning anyway. I propose that we make a law requiring everyone to purchase rapture insurance. Employers should be required to offer it to their employees or face fines. Individuals must purchase rapture insurance or they will face similar fines.

Now, you make think, what is to happen to all of the people who cannot afford to pay for rapture insurance? It is true that there are many who would willingly purchase rapture insurance if they could afford it, however they lack the funds to do so. To take care of these people, I propose we create a public option rapture insurance. We can fund this public option by taxing the rapture insurance of those who can afford their own policies. This way, we can assure that everyone is covered in the event of a rapture. At least those who are left behind by God, will not be left behind by society. This is the only choice we have. It is too important an issue to allow people to think for themselves. We cannot afford to let people fail. We must act decisively and quickly. Every day that passes brings the rapture closer and we must make sure our people are covered. WWJD, people? Write your congressperson today and demand universal rapture coverage.

The Obama Gorilla

Political Math is back, with yet another excellent youtube video. Enjoy it in all of its libertarian goodness.