TRIUMPHANT RETURN

Hello America, It's been awhile. I know what you're thinking. Blogging? What is this, 2008? No one blogs anymore. Get with the times, old man. If you have something to say and want to put it somewhere for no one to see you should put it on snapchat or twitter. You're probably right, but I don't like snapchat and I can't figure out how to work twitter. What is a hashtag? How many characters in a twit? Young people and their technology confuse me. The point is, I'm back. I'm back and I have something to say. And that something is this.


As I write, it is the night before the Iowa Caucus. As many of you probably know, Iowa is the first presidential primary. It's a race where an insignificant portion of the American populace, comprised almost entirely of old and out-of-touch rural white people, nominate the candidate who will likely not go on to receive his or her party's presidential nomination. It's not even an actual primary election. It's a caucus, which is a Latin word meaning "shady meeting where money and sexual favors are exchanged for political backing."


So why am I terrified of the Iowa Caucus? Simply put, it means that election season is now actually upon us. Real election season. Not the freak show that we've seen the last several months where obnoxious millionaires rattle off sayings they read on a men's room wall at a NASCAR event in a bid to get a broadcasting contract with Fox News. No! Now it's real. The pretenders and lunatics are going to fade away and we are going to have to get down to two serious candidates, one of whom the Illuminati will select as our next president.


This is what terrifies me. I'm convinced that if we move forward with serious candidates, the Donald Trump campaign will go away. I can handle that, America. I want Donald Trump to be running for President. I NEED Donald Trump to be running for president.


I don't follow politics that closely. I have no idea what any of the candidates policy preferences are, or what qualifications they might possess. More importantly, I don't care. Politics is inherently ridiculous. Republicans and democrats have been having the same arguments since the 1960's and there hasn't really been any meaningful developments or changes in years. Under George W. Bush, my taxes were too high, my medical insurance cost a lot, and people on the news talked every night about how the world was going to end. Under Obama, my taxes are too high, my medical insurance costs a lot, and the people on the news talk every night about how the world is going to end. Please don't try and tell me about all the ways that the two parties are different. I don't believe you and I don't care. Politics is just well scripted finger pointing over ridiculous issues that I don't care about. This is why I love Donald Trump.


Donald Trump is an absolute buffoon. He says ridiculous things, I don't think he has any actual policies, and his only answer on any issue is that he will find smart people to fix the problem for him. The things that come out of his mounth border on facist rantings. The prospect of this self-aggrandizing windbag as president and ruler of the free world is laughable, and I really need to laugh.


If Donald Trump goes away, then I will be forced to go back to ignoring the Democrats and Republicans fighting over whether they are going to pretend that they can do something about illegal immigration. Nuts to that. I've long since given up on having an effective president. I'll settle for a disastrous president that is entertaining. Which would you rather watch, a news report about Hillary Clinton making a multilateral agreement to reduce carbon emissions by five percent, or footage of President Trump drunkenly getting thrown out of the G8 summit because he slapped Angela Merkel on the butt and flipped the bird to François Hollande? I choose the butt slapping and bird flipping.


Look, according to my friends who believe in global warming, we are all doomed anyway and we are passed the point of no return. Do you want to approach the end with a boring and pointless politician who has the approximate charisma of a dead skunk, or do you want to go out with both guns blazing, with the presidential equivalent of eating fried Twinkies while listening to a 30 minute Jimmy Page Guitar solo? I want the President who is most likely to go on CNN and say that women should be banned from congress because their menstruation attracts the bear from the Revenant. I want the cadidate most likely to Jello wrestle Vladimir Putin. I want the president who is most likely to lose Alabama to Portugal in a late night card game. Am I going to get things things from Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz? I sincerely doubt it.


Now, I know some of you are thinking, wait, isn't Donald Trump incredibly sexist and racist? Yes. Those are fair points. But consider this. Basically every president up until now was hugely sexist and racist. He would basically just be par for course. Washington and Jefferson owned slaves, Woodrow Wilson was part of the KKK. Donald Trump is not even the top ten most racist and sexist presidents we've had. More importantly, the nuttier and more offensive Donald Trump gets, the more fun it will be to watch him self-destruct. Hillary Clinton meets the President of Mexico: you could not pay me to watch that. I practically fell asleep just writing that sentence. Donald Trump meets the President of Mexico: I would pay to live stream that like it was the final game of March Madness. Don't front, you would watch that just waiting for an absolute disaster. I would invite people over to watch it live like it was the Super Bowl.


Look, I get it, some of you want to pretend that you are not cynical people. You want to believe that the next four years of your life are better off in the hands of a career politician funded by billionaire hedge fund managers and who have long histories of bailing out banks, trampling on civil liberties, and plunging your nation ever deeper into debt. Good luck with that. As for me, I am choosing to acknowledge that politics is a joke, and Donald Trump is the perfect punchline. I want a candidate who is openly obnoxious, calls people names, and picks fights over petty issues. I want a candidate who is possibly a crazy person and who says the most ridiculous thing that pops into his mouth. I don't know what Donald Trump stands for, and I don't care. I just know that voting for him is as close as I can get to drawing a giant middle finger on my ballot.


Hope to see you in November, Donald. Keep the stupidity coming.