If they were rock bands...

Normally, I like to offer incisive commentary on relevant social issues, however, today I feel the need to dabble in something superficial and socially irrelevant: The upcoming presidential elections. I know that barely any attention is being paid to the upcoming elections even though they are only a mere 2 years away. Shame on the media for not devoting massive attention to presidential candidates so far away from the actual election.

All of this got me thinking, if the candidates were rock bands, which ones would they be? Here are my thoughts, feel free to post comments disagreeing or offering better comparisons.

Barack Obama: U2.

Watch this guy speak for five minutes and you will understand why people are deserting from the Hillary camp in droves. This guy has charisma to spare, just like Bono. Mark my words, this guy could upset Hillary. I predict this guy having more appeal with the youth of America than anyone since Robert Kennedy. Bottom line, this guy is going to appeal to minorities and youth voters, and we all know how important they are. Without the minority and youth votes, Al Gore and John Kerry would never have become presidents. Oh, wait....

By the way, does Obama remind anyone else of President Palmer in the first season of 24? I think we can agree that Palmer was the best fictional President ever (I'd take him over that commie, Bartlett any day). If Obama is the real life version of Palmer, that can only be a good thing. If he loses, I demand that he do commercials for Allstate Insurance. This is not up for discussion.

Hillary Clinton: Gwar.

Okay, this comparison is probably unfair. For those of you who don't know, Gwar was the favorite band of Beavis and Butthead. The band alleges to be from outer space and they have come to fight aliens, which they do in costume throughout their shows. This comparison is a little unfair because Gwar is far more credible than Hillary Clinton. However, like Gwar, Clinton is utterly ridiculous and impossible to take seriously. Just as no thinking person would ever buy a Gwar album, no thinking person would vote for someone as fake, insincere, and wholly manufactured as Hillary Clinton. I realize she is the establishment candidate, but she bears the stink of all of the Bill Clinton scandals and lacks her husband's charisma and gravitas. I toyed with making her the Long Beach All Stars, with Bill Clinton's Presidency being Sublime, but the more I scope youtube clips of Gwar, the more Hillary Clinton came to mind.

Please Democrats, elect Barack Obama.

Dennis Kucinich: Andrew W.K.

If you don't know who Andrew W.K. is, I weep for you. W. K. is a rock innovator. Go scope out his youtube clip at the following location and remember these two things.

1) He's not joking, he is serious. This is his band, and his music is meant to be taken seriously.
2) Rolling Stone gave this dude four stars. A complete rave review.

Go watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdcDvEg4mSw

Okay, just like W.K., Kucinich is unintentionally hysterical, completely insane, and impossible to take seriously. Props to him for running to try and draw attention to a cause, but Al Gore is already drawing attention to the same cause. Speaking of Gore

Al Gore: Master P.

Master P is obscenely wealthy and no one knows why. He has weak rhymes and his music sucks. Similarly, people like Al Gore and I can't figure out why. He's not particularly intelligent, never really done anything of real benefit to society, and seems to have all the charisma of a young Pete Sampras. His singular accomplishment is winning an Oscar for a very long public service announcement asking people to please turn down their air conditioners. How does that not stink of failed politician. He's technically not a candidate, and hopefully stays that way.

By the way, while we are on the subject, living a "Carbon Neutral Lifestyle" as Al Gore claims to is ridiculous. The idea that you can offset the fact that you caused more pollution than a small town just so you could roll around in your private jet and pimp your movie by donating money to environmental research is a total crock. Essentially, it is a way that rich people can feel better about raping mother earth all the while telling you and I to not pollute. You can't buy forgiveness, Al. You fat hypocrite.

P.S. Part of Al Gore's family fortune comes from Tobacco revenue.

John McCain: Beck

Just like Beck, McCain has always kind of done his own thing. He's actually a very popular and well liked politician , except in the republican party. Too bad he's running for the republican nomination. If McCain had the stones, he could run as an independent, with Lieberman as his VP, and probably win and change the face of politics as we know it. However, this will never happen.

Rudy Giuliani: Johnny Cash

That's right, Johnny Freaking Cash. Giuliani is tough, has the street cred, and his popularity transcends ordinary political boundaries, just as Cash managed to transcend country music and break into the mainstream, Giuliani has huge mainstream appeal. If he can win a primary, he can win the election. However, just like Cash, Giuliani has some baggage in his personal life. Cash eventually found Jesus, right about now would be a mighty convenient time for Rudy to do the same. He might have troubles winning the nomination with a pro-choice, pro-gay rights agenda, but the nation loves him. Even if he loses, he should end up in the cabinet. He would be a great Attorney General, or head of Homeland Security. Of everyone running, he probably has the most talent for governing. This win would not disappoint.

Mitt Romney: The White Stripes.

On paper, the White Stripes shouldn't work. There's only two of them, and the drummer sucks. The songs are fairly straightforward and uncomplicated. Ditto Romney. There's no way the Mormon businessman, who's political experience consists of one term as Governor of the Idiocracy of Massachusetts, should have a chance. Yet, he's fast emerging as the critics' choice. The people who run the republican party really like him and the conservative commentators are all on board. He makes the drudge report every day and he has the benefit of actually being a conservative. He gets mad props for saving the Salt Lake City Olympics and he has a reputation for saving failing businesses (apt analogy for the current republican party). Can he break out and appeal to the main stream? I put the chances of that on par with Meg and Jack White. Chances are good, but the media hates Mormons (probably because while the media pretends to value service and helping other people, Mormons actually do it). Expect all kinds of bigoted, half true stories of Mormons from the likes of Bryant Gumbel (idiot) and Matt Lauer (bigot), and pretty much every leftist media outlet, or fundamentalist christian rag.

P.S. How awesome would it be to have a Romney v. Obama election? A Mormon or an African American as president? The south might have to secede again. I really hope these two are the candidates.

Mike Huckabee: Sufjan Stevens.

Deeply Christian, not widely known. Loved by those who do know him. He's a total underdog, but by all accounts a really good guy. The Christian right really loves him, and most of America now associates the Christian right with George W. Bush, so don't expect their endorsement to go very far. Chances of him breaking out are slim, just like Sufjan Stevens, but it could happen.

P.S. If you don't know who Sufjan Stevens is, you are wasting your life. This includes you, UNICEF workers! Go download "To be alone with you" right now. this is not even optional.

That is the take on the current field. I left out Newt Gingrich because I refuse to believe that the world could hate me enough to let him run. That tests the bounds of fairness. Also, I left out Ralph Nader because I intend to one day to a post about how many people have been killed as an indirect result of Ralph Nader (his band, incidentally, would have been Cake). Sorry that the post was long and fundamentally unfunny. More posts this week when I have time.