Review and Comment on the news.

Here's the lowdown on the latest stories.

Shaq Traded to the Suns

On the one hand, I admire Steve Kerr for making this trade. He put his job on the line to take a crazy risk. If this pays off, he's a genius, if it fails, he's ruined the Phoenix Suns. There's a chance that Shaq might whip himself back into shape and the Suns might finally have a player who can guard Tim Duncan. The Suns clearly needed to do something to solve the locker room problems with Marion and Banks. Plus, Anyone who played at UNLV is trouble. So, I give Kerr and the Suns mad props for having the testicular fortitude to gamble and take a chance in a league where most GM's are too scared of screwing up to make a trade, and talk themselves out of doing any trade. The NBA has been a prime example of Paralysis by Analysis for the past couple years.

On the other hand, Shaq has more mileage on him than the Millenium Falcon. He's past his prime, his numbers are steadily declining, and he weighs approximately the same as a manatee. Add in his tremendous ego and the fact that he's going to be the 4th choice on that team when it comes to scoring and you could have a problem. Plus, Shaq's injured so much these days his legs may as well be made out of cardboard. This trade may work out, and if it does I will take back everything I just wrote. However, until proven otherwise, this trade is about on par with trading your ancestors Native Lands for small pox infested blankets.

Verdict:

¡MUY TONTO!

Democratic Race

Obama has finally taken the lead, and Hillary is running scared and running out of money. So why do I still think that the Democrats are going to screw this up? Because this is the same party that thought you should vote for Lyndon Johnson, Hubert Humphry, George McGovern, Jimmy Carter, Walter Mondale, Michael Dukakis, Al Gore, and John Kerry. The fact that it is the Democratic Party means that it is almost guaranteed to nominate someone who has no business being president. Basically, being the Democratic Presidential Nominee is about as prestigious as being the drummer for Spinal Tap. I'm waiting for the turnaround. I'm telling you that the democratic party will choke and Nominate Hillary Clinton. This will happen because, as Ayn Rand says, A is A. It is their nature to choose the incompetent unlikeable nutcase, and it's only a matter of time. It's like the Old Faithful of the Political World.

Verdict:




The democrats will screw you over, it's just a matter of time.


Mr. Clemens goes to Washington

Roger Clemens went to Congress to try and explain why the many people who have implicated him in Steroids are lying. Apparently, his trainers, friends, and teammates have all cosmically "misremembered" things the same way, and only Roger Clemens has a clear grasp on reality. In his defense, everyone who says Clemens used steroids is a proven liar, and everyone who questioned him today was a congressman, which is basically the same thing. It's hard to know who to believe when everyone involved has a level of credibility on par with "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." However, I'd like to believe Roger Clemens. I think it is totally natural to going from washed up in the nineties to pitching 20K games. I think it is totally natural to lob 90 mph fastballs into your forties and to have your ERA drop as you get older. Still, Roger seem flustered when he wasn't reading his prepared statement and looked like he had something to hide. I wouldn't cancel any plans during Hall of Fame voting Roger, I have a feeling you might have to wait.

Verdict:




Sorry Roger, you should have tried saying you forgot how to speak English.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is a fake holiday invented by greeting card companies to separate fools from their money. Here at Simsisms we support the abolition of this senseless waste of money and cause of numerous unwanted pregnancies and favor the establishment of a more worthwhile holiday. We move for recognition of National Stop Lying to Yourself Day. On this day, people should examine their lives, relationships, career, etc., and tell themselves the truth about where they are. Take the day to look in the mirror and say, "You know what, I shot up HGH by the gallon and probably shouldn't lie to congress," or "All my boyfriend and I ever do is fight. I don't think having children is going to make things better." Take the day and snap yourself out of denial. Sure, the holiday sounds a little depressing at first, but we can guarantee that if anything, it will cause fewer suicides than Valentines day. Instead of insincere cards and fattening chocolates, you could give your loved ones a full length mirror, a gym membership, or the paperwork to take out a restraining order on their psycho boyfriend/girlfriend. As a society, do we need another holiday where we lie through our teeth about how we love people, or do we need a holiday where we have that unpleasant conversation where we sit down and tell our children that they were adopted?

Verdict:



J. Geils was right; Love stinks.