Dear Darbley

So, I watched Dan in Real Life this weekend (I swear I didn't know Dane Cook was in it when I rented it). I really liked the movie and it got me thinking, why don't I write an advice column? How hard can it really be. Of course, no one writes me letters asking me for advice, so I figured for my first column, I'd just steal the letters from Dear Abby and show how I could give better advice than even the most well known advice columnist. So hear are Dear Abby letters, and my responses to them.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a woman in Phoenix -- where we both lived -- for the past three years. We were in an exclusive relationship, but not living together because I was going through a divorce when we met. Throughout our time together I have helped "Jackie" with rent and cash gifts.

I have since moved to California, and Jackie would like to come and live with me. I thought it would be nice, but a cohabitation agreement would be necessary because I have a lot of assets and she has very few.

After some discussion, she came up with an agreement, but I feel the benefits package she's asking for is too high. She's asking me to pay all living expenses, housing, food, health insurance, a new car with auto insurance and an allowance of $3,000 a month.

I balked on this "deal" because it seems more like a rental agreement rather than a loving relationship. She maintains that she needs a "cushion" in case the relationship doesn't work out because she'll be leaving her job and friends behind.

My friends laugh when I tell them the terms of the arrangement. What are your thoughts? -- WAITING IN CAPISTRANO

Dude, What exactly is the difference between you and Elliot Spitzer? At least he knew he was paying for a hooker. Look, WIC, I'm not judging you, here in Vegas we have tons of hookers, it's no big deal. I'm just saying be honest with yourself. WIC, what is wrong with you that you have to pay a woman to be with you? Do you have a facial deformity? Look like the unholy offspring of Star Jones and the Elephant Man? There are literally thousands of women with low self confidence and poor self image that would pay to be with you! I suggest you find these women and date them. Try myspace, or clubs where they play emo music. The only cushion your current girlfriend needs is the one she lands on when you toss her high maintenance, gold-digging butt out.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has four siblings, all adults with families of their own. A little more than a year ago, my father-in-law, "Carl," asked Mom for a divorce. That's when we learned that their relationship had been going downhill for several years.

All of the "kids," especially my husband, have embraced Mom and shunned Carl. They say terrible things about him and his new girlfriend, "Angie," whom they refuse to meet. We hardly see Carl anymore, and the few times he has come to our home for dinner, my husband has made it clear that Angie is not welcome.

I don't pretend to know how it feels to have your parents split up after 40 years. I try to be understanding and supportive to my husband and his family. I have kept my opinions to myself, but I am frustrated with all of them. I'm certain Carl waited to end his marriage until after all his children were old enough to understand. I feel they need to make some kind of move to get past this. Is there anything I can do? -- KEEPING IT TO MYSELF IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear KITMIP,

Let me ask you a question, how do you want your kids to treat the trashy skank your husband takes up with after he dumps you after 30 years of marriage? I'm guessing that you'd want your kids to throw molotov cocktails at her car while you spend his alimony checks on booze and a "pool boy". You know why they don't embrace Angie? Because they are secretly saving up money to pay for a hitman. The only move that is going to help your husband's family get past this is when Dad and the Floosie move to Florida with all of the other people who want to still feel young while driving 45 in the fast lane with their blinker on. The fact that you are worried about this tells me you have too much time on your hands. Come to think about it, what are you doing writing letters to Dear Abby. I suggest you get yourself back into the kitchen and make your hubby a sandwich, unless you want to have to spend your later years looking for a good "pool boy."