What's that? That's the sound of my bones creaking after a fifteen miler! No, I'm not training for a marathon. I just hit 11.5 miles and thought "I wonder how much 12 will hurt?" Then I started thinking what would 13 feel like? Then 14? Then I realized I was a mile from my car.

For those wondering, my pace was slow and low, 7:44 a mile. Not bad for carrying around 10-15 extra pounds and running in the hills of Henderson.

During my run I had a lot of time to ponder. I thought a lot about bankruptcy. We've noticed a downshift in the number of retainers this month and I think it's because of the upcoming economic stimulus check. Basically, I've come to the conclusion that the stimulus check is the ultimate example of rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic. For a lot of people, it is just going to buy time, for others, a playstation. Either way, it does not solve the underlying problems of the economy, namely nonexistence of credit, rising oil prices, foreclosure fallout, and a weak dollar.

So as I was running, I got to thinking, do rich celebrities get economic stimulus checks? I don't think they do, and I really hope that they don't. But if they did, what would they spend the money on? Could we mandate that certain celebrities had to spend the money on certain things? If so, here's some celebrities and what they should be forced to spend their stimulus checks on.

What's-his-name, that kid who won American idol


What should he buy?

Hair Plugs



Sorry bro, but Donald Trump thinks your hairline is receding. Take the check and put it towards some hair club for men. You might be able to squeeze a few more months out of this American Idol thing before you fade into obscurity.

Britney Spears




What should she buy?

Lithium. Lots of freaking lithium.



Look, I love celebrity meltdowns as much as the next guy. Whenever someone with a boatload on money goes nuts and couch jumps it makes me feel okay about being dirt poor. But this is just gone too far. It's never an easy thing to admit that you are crazy, but when a court thinks that your kids are safer with Kevin Federline than they are with you, it's time to wake up. Girl, you are crazy. Get some meds.



Chris Martin



What should he buy?

The U2 Box Set



Seriously, Chris, we all know you want to be Bono, but quit copying. By the way, Apple is a great name for a computer and a dumb name for a kid.

Manu Ginobli



What should he buy?

Acting Lessons



Manu, no one was around you. You were not fouled. Stop it.

Kobe Bryant



What he should buy

How to win friends and influence people



Kobe, you can win a hundred titles and the MVP every year for the rest of your life. It doesn't change the fact that no one likes you. You're a selfish human being and you care more about yourself than the game. Apparently, selling out your former teammates in the press, demanding a trade, berating your teammates and playing the first half of the season with a 39 cent stamp until an incompetent GM drunkenly deals an all star to your team for pennies on the dollar makes you the most valuable player in the National Basketball Association. NBA, where douchebaggery happens.

Hillary Clinton



What she should buy

A clue.



It's over, give up.

By the way, mentioning assasination when your opponent is black? That should be an instant disqualification for the presidency, kind of like not being able to pronounce the word "nuclear." Oh, wait....


Haven't had a lot of time lately but I thought I'd drop some links. First, great story on how an organization dedicated to giving away kidneys is running into problems.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119862544508149593.html

Next, great story from cracked.comon five movies who were ruined when the studios messed with their endings. Nice to know that I am Legend orginally didn't suck at the end.

http://www.cracked.com/article_16258_5-awesome-movies-ruined-by-last-minute-changes.html

Paper on how immigration is being turned into a way of essentially fighting another county

http://www.cis.org/articles/2008/back108.html

See y'all later