Tumblr

I've opened up a new blog on tumblr. So far I'm liking it, it may take the place of this blog, but I am undecided. In the meantime, check out my intellectual flatulence at bkbastard.tumblr.com

Terra Cotta Hope

Awhile ago I made a post where if you gave me a title, I would write the movie. Basically, hollywood movies are so formulaic that anyone could write them, you just get a title, pick a genre, and throw in a few cliche's. Roll camera and boom, you have yourself a blockbuster movie. So today's movie is terra Cotta Hope.

Terra Cotta Hope is a coming of age story, it stars Dakota Fanning, or someone in that vein. Now, Dakota is a troubled teen, see. Not too troubled, cause audiences don't like their protagonists to be bulemic, or to be obsessed with cutting on themselves. But Dakota is starting to get into trouble, she mouths off to her single mom, and gets busted smoking pot or shoplifting twinkies or something. Dakota has an angry confrontation with Mom, played by Tea Leoni where she says she doesn't think her life will go anywhere and she has no hope of anything good in her life.

So, to deal with the unruly teen, she is shipped off to live with Grandma in the Rural town of Terra Cotta, famous for its dairies and small town living. Dakota is forced to help grandma, who's played by Betty White, by doing chores, which she does with a major attitude at first, but then throughout the movie she learns to love. Dakota gets to know the goofy characters from around the town, and develops a crush on neighborhood boy, played by whatever that kid's name is from the Sparkly- Vampire movie. Not the Vampire, the other kid. The one who's not gay. I forget his name. So, Dakota and Not-Vampire fall in love, through the magic of roping cattle or something, and she's learning to like the town and appreciate the value of hard work and time with Grandma. But, the evil bank/real estate developer, played by Kevin Pollack, wants grandma to sell the property, so they can put up a new resort or highway, or something that sounds evil and greedy which audience members would no-doubt use, but can still project hatred towards without feeling hypocritical. But Grandma won't sell because no matter how much they offer, it can't match the value of the memories she's made at her home. Finally, the stress of the situation causes grandma to collapse, and she's unconscious in the hospital.

Dakota's mom flies back to Terra Cotta, the small town she spent her whole life swearing she'd never go back to. And with grandma unconscious, and mom worried about how they will pay the medical bills, Mom agrees to sign over the house to the evil banker. Dakota will be crying and want to give up, but then Not-gay-vampire will tell her that if she really loves Terra Cotta, then she should just go tell her mom how she feels. Just as mom is about to sign over the deed, which will inexplicably take place in the hospital (how she has legal authority to do this will be explained in passing somehow), Dakota will make a heart warming speech about how the house can't be sold, and will tell all about how her time in Terra Cotta has taken her off the path of being a crack whore and shown her that life is good. Mom is impressed with all the not-crack whoriness of Dakota and says they won't sell, just then, Grandma wakes up echoes everyones sentiments of not selling. Evil banker dude goes away mad. Grandma and Mom hug, and Dakota and Not Vampire dude kiss. Roll Credits.

30?

Greetings Blog-followers. Apologies for the lengthy absence (No, Michelle, I haven't forgotten about Terra Cotta Hope, The plot is complete in my mind, I just haven't had a chance to put it down on paper, but you'll love it). The purpose for this post is to solicit ideas for what I should do for my 30th birthday. It occurs to me that I have no clue what I did for my 20th birthday, and I figure I ought to mark this occasion. So, shoot me a text, email, IM, facebook message, or post in the comments section on what I should do for my 30th birthday.

In honor of LT leaving San Diego

I'll write the movie soon, but first, to commemorate LT leaving San Diego, here's a video which I simply cannot watch enough times.

New Feature

Time for a new feature at simsisms. This one is called, Brad Writes the Movie. All you have to do is give me the title, and I will write the movie pitch, complete with all the hollywood cliches you know and love. Post a title below, or tell me in person. I'll pick one and make up the movie on the spot.

Judge Alex

You gotta love Alex Kozinski. Said the judge in this recent appellate ruling from USA v. Lemus:

"The panel goes to considerable lengths to approve a fishing expedition by four police officers inside Lemus’s home after he was arrested just outside it. The opinion misapplies Supreme Court precedent, conflicts with our own case law and is contrary to the great weight of authority in the other circuits. It is also the only case I know of, in any jurisdiction covered by the Fourth Amendment, where invasion of the home has been approved based on no showing whatsoever. Nada. Gar nichts. Rien du tout. Bupkes.

Did I mention that this was an entry into somebody’s home, the place where the protections of the Fourth Amendment are supposedly at their zenith?"

Thanks Alex!

Credit Cards

Great link on why credit cards will keep you in debt forever

http://www.cracked.com/funny-4179-credit-cards/

Bringing some swagger back to Vegas

For those of you who don't know, Las Vegas is in a bit of a depression. Housing prices in this town have fallen over 50%, the official unemployment rate is around 13%, but the estimates for the actual unemployment are somewhere around 1 in 5. There are no big commercial construction projects left now that City Center is completed, and things are looking mighty bleak for Vegas.

It wasn't always this way. Las Vegas used to be synonymous with a never ending party. In the halcyon days of this town, the Nations greatest entertainers used this as their playground. These guys used to be the image you thought of when you thought of Vegas:

Now Vegas the image of Vegas is more akin to this:

As for celebrities, mostly they come here to embarass themselves or to be seen at nightclubs, rather than give positive entertainment.

I love Vegas, I can't stand to see my once proud city reduced to a punchline. That's why I'm committed to bringing Vegas back its swagger, back its cachet, back its dignity. I'm committed to treating Vegas like we're back in those Rat Pack days where infectious enthusiasm and upbeat entertainment reigned. To kick it off, I'm sending out the call to everyone going to the Robindale Valentine's Dinner to "Rat Pack" it up. You don't have to wear a Tux, but dress to impress. Dress like you're gonna go out and have a good time, like these guys would:

We may not have the Rat Pack, but we're gonna make our own modern offshoot. We'll call it the Frat Pack, or the Brad Pack, or the Mormon Mafia, or something. But we're going to dedicate ourselves to having a good time and finding upbeat ways to entertain ourselves!

10 Things to Look Forward to 2010

1. The Final Season of Lost

That's right, after 5 years of mind blowing exposition we are finally going to find out what the crap is going on with that crazy island. We're going to find out what happened when Juliet hit the bomb, if the Universe course corrects itself, who is impersonating John Locke, and whether Jack's man of Science or John's man of Faith was right. Get your TiVo set!

2. World Cup Soccer

Yes! Watchable soccer! Fanatical devotion to your favorite team, trash talking, waking up early to watch games. I love it. Don't lie, you are excited for this too! I might have to buy a big screen just to watch this.

3. No more sports heroes left to disappoint.

That's right, everyone who could embarass and tarnish their legacy already has! It's safe to watch sports again and root for people and not worry that stuff in their personal life will surface that will make you feel bad for rooting for them. Tiger Woods? His legacy is toast. Michael Jordan? We already found out he's a colossally self important jerk and all his teammates hated him, and he pretty much torched his legacy with his hall of fame speech. Andre Agassi copped to being a huge meth user. Every baseball player you ever loved has pretty much been shown to have used steroids. There is no one left to disappoint you! It can only go up from here!

4. iPad!

Oh yes, am geeking out. Apple is coming out with a tablet computer and it is going to be expensive awesome! It'll work as an eReader, computer, and all-around sweet toy.

5. Elections

That's right, mid term elections! Whether you are a democrat or republican, you get a chance to make your voice heard! The good news is many of the tired incumbents who have been there for years are retiring rather than lose an election. That means NEW BLOOD! No matter which side wins you will get a change! 2010!

6. A-Team!

I'm sure that there will be better movies in 2010, but there is no movie I am looking forward to as much as the A-Team. My favorite show as a kid. I used to run around pretending that I was John "Hannibal" Smith and that I was jumping in slo-mo onto a bad guy. Here's to reliving your childhood!

7. Arrested Development Movie!

It's finally going forward. The funniest show of the last decade is going to be the smartest comedy movie of this decade. Can't wait to see it!

8. Global Warming will make the winter short!

If you believe in Global Warming, then smile. At least this winter will be short and we will have an awesome spring where you can go out running, and hiking, and kayaking! How is that not exciting!? If you don't believe in Global Warming, then smile! The world is not slowly dying, which means more time to go out running, hiking, and kayaking! How is that not exciting!? Either way, we win in 2010, weather-wise.

9. USC Branded as the cheaters we all knew they were!

And they lost Pete Carroll! The basketball program has voluntarily undertaken sanctions for its cheating with OJ Mayo. The football program will probably get hit with sanctions for all the stuff with Reggie Bush. Pete Carroll is off to the frigid wasteland of Seattle, a team so terrible that Mike Holmgren couldn't make them work (they should've won that superbowl. Not winning it is a testament to the futility of rooting for the Seahawks). Pete will get fired after a couple years, and he'll go wind up in some other college program. In the meantime, UCLA can become the dominant L.A. football team they were meant to be.

10. Rampant Snoopy Dancing as people make the world a better place.

That's right, people everywhere are committing to make the world a better place by making themselves a better member of the human race. Goals are being set and if we all encourage and help each other, goals will be achieved! We can make change happen! 2010!

20 in 2010!

I've decided that 2010 is the year of making the world a better place. I'm going to be better, and I'm going to motivate the people around me to be better. I've already established 10 things I'm going to do as far as personal goals. That's well and good, but 2010 is not just about making yourself better, it's about making the world a better place, one good deed at a time. To that end, I am issuing a challenge. I'm challenging myself, and anyone else who believes that you can make a difference and make the world a better place, to commit to doing 20 amazingly good deeds in 2010. They don't have to be large, but they have to be meaningful. 20 good deeds. That's a little less than 2 a month. This is completely doable. I want everyone to post a similar challenge on their blog, and to commit to blogging about a good deed. You don't have to blog on every good deed, I know that some people don't make 20 blob posts a year, but it would be nice if you did post a description of as many good deeds as time and circumstances will allow. Remember, 2010 is our year. We're not going to elect someone to change the world, we're not going to hope someone else will do it. We are going to change the world through our own positive thoughts, words, and deeds. That is what 2010 is all about. Are you with me?

10 things in 2010!

Someone pointed out to me that it is not enough to simply make a goal to be possessed with the relentless spirit of contagious optimism, that I actually should make specific goals for what I will do to make 2010 amazing. Here are some of the things I'm proposing to accomplish in 2010: The Year of the Snoopy dance!

1) Pay off my car

Ideally, I will have this done by my birthday. This is important to me, because after this the only debt I have in my life is my student loans. Granted, that debt is the size of a small mortgage, but still. I want to kick debt out of my life. I don't want to spend my life a slave to my creditors! Slavery is not in harmony with 2o10!

2) Argue and win a major case.

Selfish ego oriented goal!

3) Go Paintballing.

4) Swim a cumulative total of 200 miles.

Since I swam a cumulative total of 2 this past year, I have my work cut out for me. Time to tear up that rotator cuff.

5) Read the Book of Mormon 2X

6) Rediscover my abs!

7) Take a yoga class.

Why must my favorite Yoga Instructor teach way over in Henderson? I may have to take up martial arts instead.

8) Rediscover recreational reading.

9) Open a Roth IRA

10) File 300 cases in a month.

This last one probably means nothing to anyone, but I want to achieve this because my firm has never done it and I want to make some history! (Plus they'll pay me scads of cash if we hit 300)

2010!

Welcome 2010. I'm glad to meet you. Let's dance.

The last decade saw terrorism, partisanship, cynicism, and a host of other things good and bad.

2010, this the year that we are going make into what we want. Change will happen because we will make it happen. Out with the bad, the negative, that which drags us down. 2010 will be different. 2010 will be positive. There will be down moments, sure. There always are. For how would we appreciate the good times of 2010 without the bad. But this year, the good will overshadow the bad. The Light will shine through the darkness. Hold your head up high, world. Lift those feet high, put your nose to the sky. It's the year of the SNOOPY DANCE! The dance of relentless optimism!

Decades Best 2: Music

Apologies for last weeks post in which I declared Avatar a great movie. I will be moving it to the colossal disappointment column. I have a lot to say on that movie, but I'll save it for a post. Maybe this week if I'm lucky. Here are the decades best tunes. I put up some clips to go along. I tried to get live performances for each of the songs as I prefer live versions of most songs. Enjoy the list and don't forget to post in the comments section with anyone you feel I missed (Celine Dion suggestions will get you banned).

Arcade fire-Intervention; Rebellion

The 2000's was the decade where control of music was finally wrestled away from the evil men in suits who had poisoned it for so long. Indie Rock rose to new prominence as file sharing on the internet meant that you could download any song you wanted at any moment for free, and the masses were no longer forced to opnly listen to the music that the suits put out there. This paved the way for bands like Death Cab For Cutie, and the current indie golden boys du jour, Arcade Fire, to have an audience they never would have found 10 years ago. Arcade Fire is a great band who put out a stellar record about death, and then followed it up with a stellar record about life. No best of the decade list is complete if it doesn't contain at least one of these two songs.



Beck- Lost Cause; Clap Hands; E-Pro

No way can we talk about music this decade without Beck, who never met a genre he didn't like. Nausea is probably a better song, but Lost Cause is dark, personal, and depressing. Me like. Second video is for a throwaway b-side from the Guerro recordings that found new life in the live shows. Completely awesome. Last clip I threw in because honestly, how cool is it that Beck hires a dude to run around the stage and dance. Plus, the song is really good.







Amen Omen, Ben Harper

2000's saw a new rise in Acoustic songs. I've always felt that the best and purest music comes from a lone guitarist whose song consists of 3 chords and the truth. For one man to hold a room captive with an acoustic guitar is impressive. Harper is one of the most consistent in that area and this is my favorite Ben Harper song.


Skinny Love, Bon Iver
Another good acoustic track. Maybe because its so recent, but this song just felt fresher than anything I had heard in a long time.



Bright Eyes-At the bottom of everything

Connor Oberst could have probably been the next Dylan if he hadn't killed his brain cells with cocaine and self-righteousness. He's still a great songwriter but his own demons and political nutbaggery insure that he'll probably never make the leap to the next level. Still, when he is on his game, like he was in this track (and much of the Wide Awake It's Morning Album) he puts out some right nice tunes.



Explosions in the sky-Your hand in Mine

One of the best songs of the Decade has no words. Just as well, no words could be as moving as the music by itself is here.



Flaming Lips-Do You Realize; Wand
Why do I get such a kick out of far left nut-jobs with a penchant for the surreal? I have no idea, but the Flaming Lips put out three albums this decade and 1 of them was transcendent and the other 2 weren't bad. If someone out there can find me the giant hands, please contact me.





Fleet Foxes- White Winter Hymnal

An incredible surprise and proof that music is only getting better. This band is the modern day Crosby, Stills and Nash, except they have more that 3 good songs. Take that Steven Stills! If you don't own their whole album, GO BUY IT RIGHT NOW!



The Format-Tie the Rope; The First single

The Format died before its time. There tunes were like anything else, poppy and upbeat, but not in an annoying way. It's a tragedy that these guys weren't the biggest band this decade.





The Rising, Bruce Springsteen-

This song perfectly captures the mood after 9-11. I remember seeing it just about every day in the months following the attack. It had that great, "We're down, but we will get back up and fight" sense to it. This song and U2's Beautiful Day kind of became the post 9-11 anthem about finding optimism in a bleak and dark reality.

You have to click the link on this one because Bruce will not allow embedding because if you don't visit youtube to see the video then the terrorists have won.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNnB4dkVRJI&feature=related


Damien Rice-Cannonball

Why is this list overrun with Irish Folk singers? I don't know, but this was yet another stellar tune from the acoustic madness no prevalent in the 2000's.

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Glen Hansaard and Marketa Irglova-Falling Slowly

If you don't like this song you have no soul. Ogre.



Green Day, Holiday

There was no shortage of Anti-President Bush songs this decade, but this was the best. If you'd told me in 1994 that Green Day would not only be relevant 10 years later, but politically charged and innovative, I probably would have laughed at you.


Iron and Wine-Naked as We Came
More Gleeful acoustic hippyness.



Jimmy Eat World, Sweetness

It wasn't all acoustic hippys running around with beards and birkenstocks this decade. There was also EMO. Jimmy Eat World pretty much started the Emo thing, then EMO came to refer not to pop-punk music with an emotional theme, but instead to dark haired freakish teenagers who cut themselves and avoided sunlight. Thankfully, Jimmy Eat World always kept their music grounded in Rock. This song was literally EVERYWHERE in 2002, and probably is responsible for a slough of terrible bands who run around playing songs very fast in Drop D tuning.


Johnny Cash, Hurt
Best Video of the Decade. The song perfectly embodied Cash, even without the video it's moving. The video depicting Cash everybit as worn out, frail, and depressing as he was as he looked back on better days of his life, many of which he squandered. Trent Reznor, who wrote the song, reportedly cried when he saw the video. It got me the first time I saw it, and now years later it's still about the saddest thing you will ever see.



Joshua Radin, Closer
I will not rest until I convince every person who likes acoustic guitar music that this man is awesome. AWESOME I SAY!


Kanye West-Goldigger

Yet another song that was everywhere. For good reason. It's probably the catchiest hip-hop song of the decade.



Keane, Everybody's Changing
Keane is simply the Best Britpop we got this decade. Even if everything after their first album was dreadful, the first album was good enough that you have to at least listen to their new stuff, hoping that they come up with something this good at least once more.



The Shins, New Slang

Before you start sending angry messages about how The Shins have gotten too mainstream, stop and remember that there was a time that they were the greatest indie band on the planet and if you knew of them, you tried to get all of your friends to listen to them, because hearing their songs was so amazing. Too bad Zach Braff overexposed them and now your idiot friend has a Shins track wedged on the playlist between Miley Cyrus and Brittany Spears.



Spoon, Underdog

Spoon has got to be one of the most exciting bands out there. Their music is almost always good, and you never quite know what they're going to come up with next. The horns and saxes on this album were a bit of a surprise but I loved. them.



Phantom Planet, California
Okay, before this song became used as the theme to the O.C. (overrated during its run, underrated now that it's gone), this was an amazing indie hit. The song still holds up all these years later. Plus, it kind of makes me want to go visit Cali.



Sufjan Stevens, John Wayne Gacy; Chicago

Sufjan Stevens is a freaking genius and everyone should own his stuff. Chicago is a great little tune which captures a feeling about being young and care free, John Wayne Gacy is less about an evil man and more about the evil that is in all of us. What secrets are hidden under the floorboards of your life?





U2, Beautiful Day; Walk On

U2 resurrected its career and reclaimed its status this decade with a Masterpiece album, and two fantastic followups. These two songs were at the right place, at the right time, and perfectly captured the feeling of the time people listened to them. Ironic that they were recorded and released before 9-11, but their message caught on in the wake of the terrible disaster. Life is a beautiful thing and we will continue on even in sadness or sorrow with a hope in better things to come.





The Soggy Bottom Boys, Man of Constant Sorrow
There's a reason this song was everywhere in the early years of the decade. It's really really good. A bluegrassified version of a forgotten Bob Dylan song, if this song didn't get your toes tappin' it was probably because you were dead.



We Are Scientists, After Hours

Why is this song on here? Because it's upbeat and catchy. not everything has to have a deep meaning or significance, you know.



Vampire Weekend, A-Punk

Totally unlike anything else out there, and in a completely good way. I can't wait for their follow up album.



Weezer, Island in the Sun

Weezer, like U2, managed to resurrect itself this decade. Weezer has released a wealth of good songs this decade, but this simple one is my favorite because of its relentless catchiness. You can't help but find yourself humming it a few hours after hearing it.



Wilco-I'm the Man Who Loves You

Yankee, Hotel, Foxtrot was one of the best albums of the decade, not just because of the music, but because of what it symbolized. The record company killed the album, the group put it on their website for free where it gained notoriety, and then the band released it with a new record company to meet the demand from the website downloads and the album became a huge hit. Basically, the fact that this album became a hit soon after the suits at the record company killed it signaled the dawn of the digital music age, and the end of corporate control of your music choices. It's not hard to see why people liked the album, it is nothing short of a masterpiece. Arty enough to reward repeat listenings, but accessible enough that you really dig the songs.



The White Stripes: Seven Nation Army, Death Letter

Probably my favorite band of the decade. Jack White brought back feedback driven, gritty rock. The minimalist setup of the band creates a lean, mean, rocking machine where the music has no fat, no over production, just straight up rocking.

Decades Best Part 1

The 10 best films I saw this Decade.

The Royal Tenenbaums- Anyone who knows me knows that I have a dark and off kilter sense of humor. People either really love this movie or really hate this movie. I secretly suspect that the people who hate this movie lack the ability to appreciate the finely nuanced humor that rewards repeat viewings. Or maybe they just hate it because it doesn't have explosions, flatulence, or Larry the Cable Guy. This is without a doubt Owen Wilson's best film. Sadly he died shortly after this film was made. Do you understand me? He died. Tragically. He never made Drillbit Taylor. It never happened. You hallucinated it. Next time, just say no to drugs.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy- Probably the funniest movie of the decade that I'm not embarrassed to admit that I liked. It's also one of the most quotable movies of the decade, if not all time. This was back when Will Ferrell was funny. Hard to believe Will Ferrell went from the next big thing to the next Chevy Chase so quickly. Gosh his films have been terrible lately. Brick rules!

About a Boy- I never would have imagined liking a movie that starred Hugh Grant. However, the film about a self-absorbed narcissist is hilarious. And if a guy like him can find love, it brings hope to my family that one day I will fake some poor girl into a marriage.

Memento- Turns standard story telling on its head in a way that has been often imitated but never with the same affect. This movie has some of my favorite story telling conventions. Non-linear narrative, unreliable narrator, and most importantly, Joe Pantoliano.

The Dark Knight-Great story, top notch acting, IMAX scenes, and also the best magic trick in a movie ever (Where did that pencil go?). Batman Begins wasn't exactly slouch filmaking, but this film was masterful in every way. There's nothing in this film that could have been better with the possible exception of *spoiler alert* killing Maggie Gyllenhal earlier. I'm begging the entire Gyllenhal family to refrain from acting. They're just not good. At least her death established a truely terrifying story where characters were legitimately in danger and life for them was a dark and random place where bad things could happen without warning, and who hasn't felt that way about their life from time to time?

Avatar- Smurfs on steroids that blow things up in 3-D? How can this not be the best movie of the decade. I haven't seen it yet and I'm still putting it on the list. I have that much faith in James Cameron. He directed Terminator 2, and the last Aliens movie that wasn't a total disaster. I'm willing to chalk Titanic up to a 200 million dollar practical joke to prove that girls will watch any ridiculous love story a million times as long as the hero is a femmy looking dude who sports boy bangs with whom the heroine couldn't possibly sustain a long term relationship.

Almost Famous- If this movie comes on TNT on a saturday afternoon, you know you will sit there and finish it. It's probably the best movie of the decade. It certainly has the best soundtrack. I defy you not to smile during the Tiny Dancer bus scene. It's not humanly possible. If you don't smile then your soul may be missing. May it was vaporized by global warming. The only complaint I have about this movie is that Cameron Crowe basically had nothing left after he put his heart and soul into this film and his movies since then have been terrible (Elizabethtown, anyone? How high do you have to be to think that either Kristen Dunst or Orlando Bloom can act?)

Gosford Park- Ha! You didn't see that one coming, did you! A commentary on social class disguised as a murder mystery, and the film works on both levels. Good film, even if Robert Altman was a self-important jerk. And yes, I said he was a jerk. I don't care if it is rude to speak ill of the dead. He was and I'm saying it.

The Fog of War- Probably the best documentary of the decade. Robert McNamara is such a compelling figure. Made about the time the Iraq war was starting up, McNamara, the architect of Vietnam raises questions that everyone should ask themselves, and leaves the viewer free to come up with their own answer. A movie about a man who is probably responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people, and the movie does a good job of showing McNamara's reaction to his sins. He never really owns them, but you can see that what he's done weighs on him, and you wonder how certain he is of some of the things he says.

Brick- A classic film noir set in a modern high school. If you are a fan of dialogue, then you will love this movie. Teenagers delivering lines that could have been written by Raymond Chandler himself, what's not to love?

8 Films That Are Not Nearly as Good as Everyone Says or Thinks They Are.

1) Anything that involves vampires that sparkle. This is not up for debate. It is pure fact.

2) Lord of the Rings- Before you flood my email box with hate mail, or you put me on an Al-Queda mailing list, let me say that the films are good films. They are great films. Probably some of the best and most entertaining films of the decade. They are also the longest films ever made. Three and a half hours is too long for a movie. Please, for the love of the seat cushions, cut something out of the film. How many Orcs do we need to see get impaled? We get the point. Liv Tyler? Not that important, she could be cut. While watching the last movie in this series, my buttocks went numb from being seated for so long.

3) Gladiator- I cannot stress this enough: this is an average movie, at best. Why exactly did this get nominated for an Oscar? Does Ridley Scott have incriminating photos of someone? I'm not saying its a bad movie, but it is massively overhyped. Dude's family is killed, dude becomes a fighter and gets revenge. What's so great about that? Rocky beat Ivan Drago, who was way tougher than creepy Joaquin Phoenix, and he had a better soundtrack, and a better training montage. In fact, I'm going to go so far as to say that Rocky Four was 10 times better of a movie than Gladiator, and yet, no Oscar. Don't front, if Rocky 4 comes on TV, you are probably going to watch. You are at least staying for the training montage at the end. Then, at some point during the week you are going to confront a challenge and throw your hands up in the air and shout "DRAGO!!!", to the complete bewilderment and confusion of your co-workers or friends who happen to be around you. If Gladiator comes on, are you even sticking around to watch it?

4) Brokeback Mountain- Okay, I haven't seen it, but I feel the need to point this out: This movie is really gay.

5) A Beautiful Mind- I don't hate Russell Crowe. I really don't. Although I would fight him if I had the chance and I was convinced I could win. This would probably involve him being drugged and semi-conscious. However, this is not a good movie. It milked sympathy by claiming to be the authentic story of a man who battled his way back to sanity. The only problem was that this movie was about as faithful to reality as the real Nash was to his wife--which is to say, not very. In fact, by this film's standards, Harry Potter could bill itself as based on a true story. Once you learn that the film is total fiction it loses its impact and is just another hokey film. Also, the screenwriter on this film wrote Batman and Robin which may be the worst movie of all time. I feel like that should matter.

6) The Matrix sequels- Okay, no one thinks these are great films, but lets face it, they are much worse than people give them credit for. I mean, these films are REALLY bad. I mean now that a couple years have passed can't we agree that they are downright unwatchable? You would have to strap me to a chair and wire my eyes open Clockwork Orange-style to convince me to watch these films again. Throw the original Matrix in there too. That film may have been revolutionary in its day, but its been 10 years and it doesn't hold up. That film just straight up sucks if you watch it now.

7) The Aviator- Another example of a movie that is probably okay, maybe even good, but there are people out there who gave this thing awards and it is nowhere good enough to deserve it. In fact, Marty Scorsese's work this whole decade has been that way. I know people refer to him as a genius, but is Gangs of New York even a watchable film? I've only seen it when it aired on TV and I think I made it about 15 minutes. Everyone else I know had the same reaction. Also, when are we going to accept that Leonard DiCaprio is annoying and unwatchable? Am I the only one who feels this way? I feel like you could replace him in pretty much any film with almost any actor and it wouldn't hurt the film at all.

8) Any film by Michael Moore- There's a pretty good chance that Moore's playing loose with the facts helped give republican's enough ammo to get Bush a second term in office. The man is entertaining but his films cannot fairly be called documentaries. They are propaganda films, pure and simple, and they are steadily decreasing in quality (not to mention factual content).

Did I miss any? Sound off in the comments section below.

Go Max Hall!

Meditations on important things

There's a lot of blog worthy things occurring in the world today. Shootings on army bases, health care debates, the season finale of Mad Men, all of these things deserve their own blog. But here at SIMSISMS we are all about the issues. And that is why today's blog is about the most important debate raging in America today: Who would win in a three way battle to the death between Ninja's, Pirates, and Zombies. This is the question that is on the mind of every right-thinking American, and that is why we are going to analyze it today. Let's look at the players and how they stack up against each other:

Category: Abilities

Pirates are noted for their ability with swords, guns, canons, and have the unique ability to buckle something called a swash. Ninjas are masters of misdirection, martial arts, sword play, guerrilla tactics, assassination, and stopping the evil forces of the Shredder. Zombies, as they are already dead, are nearly invulnerable unless you take out the zombie brain, and they have the ability to gorge themselves on human flesh until their zombie stomachs burst.

Edge: Ninjas.

All of the above mentioned abilities are impressive, but Ninja abilities are a cut above the rest. While Pirates are handy with a sword, Ninjas are total devotees of advanced sword fighting. I'm sorry, but dedication and training have to count for something. Ninjas are the clear winners in this category.

Category: Weapons

Pirates, as mentioned above, have the standard weapons of flintlock pistols, muskets, cannons and a trusty cutlass. Ninjas have throwing stars, swords, arrows, nunchuks, and if Batman is to be believed, they also have explosives and primitive forms of LSD. Zombies prefer a more organic approach to weaponry, using only their bare hands to tear you to pieces. Although, zombies have been known to use weapons of opportunity, such as clubs, pipes, or the severed limbs of victims.

Edge: Zombies

The pirate and ninja weapons are kind of a wash (although the ninja claws that Storm Shadow came with in one of his action figure incarnations were about the coolest thing ever), but there's something about being your own deadly weapon that gives Zombies a slight edge here. Plus, if you were going to be killed, we imagine that being clubbed to death with the leg of one of your recently defenestrated family members is a whole lot more terrifying than musket fire or a throwing star.

Category: Motivation

Pirates were generally motivated by money, which should speak to all of you except for those of you hippies who think the world runs on love and flowers (yeah, that's how we'll pay for universal healthcare. Roses and hugs. Nice job, hippies). If TV is correct (and it always is) then every Ninja in history was motivated by the need to avenge their sensei who was murdered by their rival who then later stole their girlfriend and raised the Ninja's illegitimate child as their own, never telling the child the truth about their father until the final, epic battle that takes place in a burning building of some sort. Zombies are motivated by the unquenchable desire to eat your brains. This desire is so intense it gives them life after death and allows them to keep going as their flesh is rotting off and their bodies are decaying (like Lindsay Lohan!).

Edge: Pirates.

Have you read this site? Go capitalism!

Category: Weakness

Pirates are well known booze hounds, so their weakness is probably desire for alcohol and cirrhosis. One good shot to the liver and your average pirate is probably doubling over in pain. Ninjas weakness is their sense of honor, or some stupid unrealistic crap like that. They would want to win a fight honorably, rather than throwing sand in the eyes of their opponent then bashing in his skull with a rock. Zombies, well, lets just say that they aren't exactly deep thinkers. They just wander around mumbling about eating brains. Deductive reasoning and elevated tactical planning are not going to figure into your average zombie assault (yet another thing they have in common with the French).

Edge: No clear winner.

These are all terrible weaknesses. Though the Zombie weakness is probably a little worse than the Pirate/Ninja weaknesses.

Category: Most famous portrayal by an actor

Most famous actor to portray a pirate? Duh.




Okay, okay. It was this guy:




Most Famous actor to be a Ninja?


That's right, Batman and Oskar Schindler.

Most famous Zombie portrayal...

Best music video of all time. Don't tell Kanye.

Edge: Ninjas.

How can you beat the awesomeness of Qui-gon Jin and the kid from Newsies. Okay, but the kid from Newsies has done other stuff. And neither of them ever made a weird Willy Wonka remake or touched children inappropriately (allegedly). There's just too much awesomeness in the Ninja category for it to even be close.

Final Verdict

Ninjas win, all the way. If there were a fight they'd whip on the pirates through superior arms and strategy. The zombies would be more difficult, because of their viciousness and superior numbers, but the Ninjas eventually set the zombies on fire and ride off into the sunset. Difficult decision, but we're declaring the Ninjas the winners.

New Challenge for Uncle Danny

Okay Danny, here's the new song. I'm demanding that you learn it immediately.

Soliciting Ideas

So, I'm trying to come up with a christmas list. So far, not a whole lot is on there. So, I'm opening it up to the world. What should I ask for? Here's the list so far:

Black, brown, gray, or Navy blue socks, solid in color.

Guitar strings, Martin Extra lights

TAG Heuer Mens Aquaracer WAF1112.BA0801 Watch

Ceramic Guitar Slide

Box of vanilla power gels.

AMEX

Gladstone from cracked.com's open letter to American Express. Pretty much sums up the experience many people have had with their credit cards this year.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/an-open-letter-to-american-express/