Open Letter to the Miami Dolphins

Dear Miami Dolphins,

Football season is under way and I wanted to take a moment to reflect with you on last season. Greatness was within your grasp, and you blew it. You kept yourself out of the history books. You could ave gone 0 and 16, completely winless, and you tanked. You showed up, and for no reason at all, decided to actually try hard. And you know what, it blew up in your faces, didn't it. You won that game and your spot in the history books vanished. Millions of your loyal supporters, mediocre cynics like myself who simply wanted to see a new level of terrible achieved went away empty-handed.

Now, I'm here to urge you this year to try again. I know what you're thinking, last year was the year. If you couldn't go winless with a team that bad, it just isn't meant to be. Well, I think that's nonsense. Miami Dolphins, I know you have it in you to not have it in you. I know that you can succeed at failure. I know that with a lot of misspent effort and blown off practice, the 2008-2009 season can be the worst season ever! You can show up to the field and phone it in, I know you can, you've done it before. Bill Parcels is over the hill and gaining speed, you don't need to listen to him. Have you seen the man wear shorts? He should have zero credibility based on that alone.

I know, you think you have to score every football game. There's something in you that says you can't help but try hard. But, I watched you today. I watched you struggle against the New York Jets. I'm telling you, that if you can lose to a team as dreadful as the Jets, you can lose to anybody. More importantly, you can lose to everybody. It's the Jets! They were led to victory by Brett Favre's reanimated corpse! He's so old he mixes his gatorade with metamucil and unicorn blood at half time just to keep going.

Believe, Miami Dolphins, Believe. Believe in miraculous disasters. Believe in disappointments. Believe in Epic Failure. I know you can do this.

I believe in you.

Brad