Sexual Orientation, Sodomy, and a running diary.

1:30:08 PM- We’ve just been informed that there will be a group of parents observing our class today. This is in no way suspicious.

1:31:28 PM- Today’s class is on sexual orientation. Prof. is very much out of the closet with another professor on campus. She’s basically called anyone who opposes gay rights a mindless bigot. But, no worries because she’s “just going to try to get you to see both sides of the issues.”

1:34:14 PM- We’re talking about the amendment to the Nevada State Constitution that forbids gay marriage. Even the state that allows you do to pretty much anything you want isn't down with gay marriage. Go Nevada!

1:35:55 PM- Prof. is comparing gays to racial minorities. How is that an apt comparison? Are there closet African Americans? Do they have an awkward conversation with their parents where they inform them, “Mom, Dad, I’m Black.”

1:40:48 PM- The mysterious parents who are supposed to visit the class have not shown up yet. All of the people who were forced out of the back row are starting to get pissed about having to move.

1:42:25 PM- The parents have just shown up.

1:45:54 PM- Heated discussion over weather homosexuality is a choice or not. I’m going to say that it’s not. Just like being a child molester. They can’t control it either and we shouldn’t punish them. In fact, I think the state should start subsidizing NAMBLA. Also, I’ve decided to sue for the right to marry my dog. I’m not ashamed of our love.

1:48:40 PM- Someone just called homosexuality a belief system. I’m not going to make any catholic priests jokes here. That would be inappropriate.

1:51:14 PM- Should we force homosexuals to be closeted? No. We should force them to be as flaming and obviously gay as possible so they can be readily identified. Every gay man and woman should look like an extra from Viva Laughlin.

1:57:47 PM- The parents have left. Apparently 15 minutes of this class was enough for them.

1:58:49 PM- Apparently most Americans oppose gay marriage. Thank heaven. Now if we could just get them to quit watching Michael Bay movies and there might be hope for society.

2:02:39 PM- Someone just called homosexuality a lifetime commitment. Uhm...no. Am I the only one who saw those episodes of Marissa when she considered the alternative lifestyle and then went back to Ryan? I can’t emphasize this enough people. Before you make a broad political statement, check to make sure the O.C. agrees with you. I don’t care if a hundred people with PhD’s agree with you. If the O.C. ain’t down with it, I’m not convinced.

2:06:40 PM- We’ve now moved onto Sodomy. Every man in the class has that same awkward look 50 Cent had when they cut to him during Britney Spears VMA performance. That “please just let it be over” look.

2:12:56 PM- Our first anti-Scalia comment of the day. That guy must have the same PR agent that Osama Bin Ladin uses.

2:22:07 PM- And we’re back to comparing polygamy to homosexuality. Why do people try and tie the two together. Could there be anything less gay than polygamy? By definition it means a man would be sleeping with SEVERAL WOMEN. That’s about as ungay as it comes. Brigham Young was called many things in his life, but one thing he most certainly not was gay, and you better believe he would not have looked favorably on gays.

2:25:32 PM- Almost got called on. New rule, no stretching in class.

2:27:55 PM- Class has gotten way boring, so I feel the need to mention that Heroes has apparently decided to emulate LOST’s model and have nothing happen in the first several episodes and piddle around until sweeps. When was the last time a popular show introduced a pair of characters as annoying and unpopular as the Guatemalan Twins who cry poison gas or something? You might as well call them Nikki and Paulo.

2:30:06 PM- Crap, I’m called on.

2:30:54 PM- Just made a bunch of stuff up, no one seemed to notice. Maybe it was enough that she will go to the next student.

2:32:21 PM- She's still grilling me.

2:34:28 PM- She’s still on me. DAMMIT, MOVE ON WOMAN!!!

2:35:26 PM- Someone has stepped in with a really out there opinion. Maybe I’m off the hook.

2:36:35 PM- Bob, the smartest (and highest ranked) guy in the class just made his first comment of the year. How does he stay off the radar?

2:38:14 PM- She tries to go after me again, I plead ignorance. For some reason whenever I claim to be ignorant it comes across as very believable. If I were a deep thinker I might be insulted by this…

2:40:13 PM- Someone mentioned that we shouldn’t honor Marriage as a time honored tradition because it was also a time honored tradition to not let women vote. On an unrelated note, A lot of people with PhD’s agree that ever since women go the vote the country has gone right to hell. Exhibit A, your next president: Hillary Clinton.

2:43:49 PM- Does banning gay marriage protect society? I think gay marriage would turn society into a larger version of an Episode of Oz.

2:48:09 PM- We’re holding up Britney as the standard example of a heterosexual marriage. This is like judging all republicans by Larry Craig.

2:49:41 PM- Apparently gays make excellent parents. This is going to be treated as fact now in our class with no opportunity for rebuttal. Great moments in open mindedness.

2:50:49 PM- We’re off gay marriage and onto something less controversial: gays in the military.

2:51:36 PM- Holly just walked in late. Normally I don’t mention names here, but I’m going to say it. Holly, I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. I am so insanely jealous of you right now, you have no idea. You got to miss this fiasco of a class you lucky dog.

2:53:23 PM- This just in, Joe Torre has rejected the Yankees offer. I can’t imagine why someone who was already rich wouldn’t accept a relatively pithy amount of money to put up with mountains of abuse and criticism and have his every move second guessed. In other news, Darryl Strawberry desperately needs money…

2:55:55 PM- And we finish up by talking about polygamy. I will now light myself on fire.

2:56:13 PM- Class is over.