Dating Myths

Yesterday, we got the "You guys aren't dating enough" speech in priesthood. I'm not going to comment on that, as I'm not going to criticize my church leaders. However, there are certain things that I've heard since I returned from a mission that I don't believe and refuse to accept as truth without any kind of evidence. Here are some of the popular myth's about dating.

Myth #1: Brigham Young said, "Any young man over the age of 25 who isn't married is a menace to society."

Fact: Brigham Young never said this, or anything like it. The closest thing to that statement is one of President Young's Counselor's statement that every man over the age of 18 should take ANOTHER wife, if he was able to. Even if President Young did say that, the context in which he made the statement was completely different. If you didn't like the girl you married, you didn't have to worry about divorce, you just kept dating and found another one. Just try suggesting that in the church today. The fact is, marriage and dating were very different in the age of polygamy. Divorce was also not as big a deal. Brigham Young himself was divorced several times. Often the case was that a brother had taken a wife so she could have claim on him for support, and she found somebody else that she fell in love with, so the original husband granted a divorce so she could remarry, and no hard feelings were had.

In the interest of full disclosure, some of the bretheren have stated that while Pres. Young's statement is of dubious authenticity, they agree with the sentiment. Basically, they don't want people putting off marriage to focus on worldly ambitions. However, a number of general authorities have been married past the age of 25. There is nothing wrong with waiting and marrying the right person in the right place at the right time, as long as you aren't actively avoiding it.

Myth #2: There are tons of attractive girls in the ward who aren't getting asked out.

Fact: Really? Who? Do you have proof of this? I'm not saying this is never true, but I've never seen it. Every time this gets said I ask for a list of these girls who aren't getting asked out and I have never received one. Furthermore, I've heard girls say that they don't get asked out when I know for a fact that they do. When pressed on it, they say, "Oh that wasn't a date, we just went as friends." Uh, did the guy know that? I'm guessing he counted it as a date.

Adding to my doubt is the fact that cute is a highly subjective term. Sorry, but there is no universal standard of cute, aside from Halle Berry. Different people are attracted to different things, and girls that one guy finds cute, are not necessarily going to be attractive to another guy. That is not a comment on the girls, just simply an observation that guys are individualistic in their tastes and desires.

Myth #3: If only the brethren could associate more with the girls in the ward, they would ask more of them out.

Fact: This may be partially true. Sometimes activities are helpful to get to know girls in the ward so that you can avoid the awkwardness of just asking out someone you've never met. However, in many instances, guys know the girls in the ward and have decided that they don't want to date them. A lot of times, girls have met all the guys in the ward and have decided that they don't want to date those losers either! Both of these attitudes are fine. It's okay not to want to date the people in your ward. In fact, it is often a good idea not to, for reasons which will be addressed below. The idea that more ward activities will somehow make people spontaneously develop an attraction to each other is just silly. It's not like they don't know where to find each other. If they wanted to go out, they'd generally go up and ask them out.

Myth #4 Dating in your ward is a good idea.

Fact: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Yeah, right. Okay, dating in your ward is fine, and there is nothing wrong with it, provided that both you and the person you are dating are mature human beings who are capable of behaving like adults should anything happen. However, realize that if anything should go wrong, you are probably going to have to move wards, probably to another side of town. If you do date someone in the ward, realize that you are dating in a fishbowl, your relationship is on display and everyone in the ward is going to scrutinize it. If there is a breakup and it goes badly, the guy is going to trash talk the girl to the whole Elders' Quorum, and the girl is going to badmouth the dude to the whole relief society, and in the court of public opinion you are often guilty until proven innocent and there are no appeals. Worse still, if you have mutual friends, then they feel like they have to pick sides. You run the risk of not just losing a girlfriend/boyfriend, you may lose your entire group of friends. I'm not saying this is always the case, I'm saying it can be, and you should watch out.

Myth #5: Dating is cheap.

Fact: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Are you serious? Anyone who says that and means it has not been on a first date in years. It is true that there are several low cost dates that one can have. Generally, these don't work as first dates. The dollar movie from redbox and a bag of popcorn doesn't usually fly for a first date. Likewise, the other cheap stuff generally works best with people you are already dating (such as running or going to the gym, going for a walk, etc). True, you can sometimes get away with a hike, or mooch off your friend who owns a rafting company, or go to a fireside (does that count as a real date? I vote no) etc, but most of the time, you are going to have to spend money on a first date. You are probably going to do something like dinner and bowling, or playing pool, or some kind of activity like that. All total, that date is going to cost you at least $30 not including gas. You go on one first date a week, and that is $120 you are spending a month on first dates. Some would say the solution is "well, go on more second dates." Ha! Thank you snide observer who is clearly out of touch with the realities of dating. Thanks to the leadership hammering the sisters with the "You should never say no to a first date" mentality, girls will always give you a "courtesy date" even when they find you about as attractive as pig vomit. So the girl happily says yes, lets you blow your money one her, fakes that she had a good time, and then when she turns you down for a second date you are shocked and feel stupid, and have to go out on yet another first date with a girl who probably isn't interested in you. Much less painful, girls, would be, "Thank you, but I'm kind of busy that weekend." If a girl really is busy that weekend, and would like to go out another time, then she should say "can we go out another time?" If she's not interested, she shouldn't say that. Unless the guy is an idiot (sadly, many are) then he'll get the message. Girls, if he doesn't get the message, it is okay to say that you are totally not into him. He forced you to say it, and he needs to hear it. If you really want to let him down easy, suggest a girl that you know likes him, but only if there really is someone who likes him. Not every frog is capable of turning into a prince, and maybe saying no will get the guy to think about making some changes to make himself more attractive.

Bottom line, it is not doing the guy a favor to let him spend his money on you when you don't like him. It's patronizing and cruel. This isn't young womens and the guy isn't a 16 year old priest. Grow up, turn him down, and let him ask out someone who actually likes him.