Oscars

Sorry about the delay between posts. Appellate brief took most of my time this week, that and a crippling addiction to Batman. What can I say, I find the anti-communist subtext enthralling.
Here are my thoughts on last night's Oscars.

1) Confession: like most sensible people, I didn't watch. I didn't watch any of the nominated movies. That might be socially irresponsible of me, but I just couldn't bring myself to watch any of them. Call me crazy, but I insist that the movies I watch be, you know, interesting. Also, the Oscar broadcast is way too long. If I wanted to watch four hours of Hollywood being self-indulgent, I would rent a Kevin Costner Movie.

2) Congratulations to Al Gore for winning an Oscar for "A Convenient Fiction" ...er..."An Inconvenient Truth." Most people didn't see this, but apparently later on it was revealed that even though Al Gore got more votes, "Jesus Camp" was declared the actual winner and Gore's Oscar was taken away by the supreme court...

3) Also, Congrats to Al Gore on his new diet. Apparently, living in a large house with gigantic air conditioners between flying around on an expensive, private, carbon dioxide emitting jet and telling everyone else to not pollute so much does not leave time for pilates and spin classes. He is well on his way to becoming the world's largest hypocrite in more ways than one.

4) Congrats to Martin Scorsese for finally winning an Oscar for Taxi Driver. He truly deserved it..... 31, 27, and 17 years ago.

5) Jack Nicholson would have been much cooler if he had shown up with a Mohawk and insisted on being referred to as Travis Bickle.

6) Alternatively, he could have introduced himself as Britney Spears.

7) Congrats to Ellen Degeneres. By all accounts you were awful, but inoffensive. How is it hard to find a good Oscar host? Shouldn't we just pay Billy Crystal a billion dollars to do it every year. His other films aren't good, no one else seems to be any good at hosting. Note to academy, next year try and get Jerry Seinfeld. He's actually funny, and he is well liked enough to probably pull it off. Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson might be able to do it. Stay away from Eddie Murphy who hasn't been funny since 1987, Jay Leno is not funny, this is not up for discussion. Neither is Rosie O'Donnell. In fact, she is painful to watch. She hurts my chakra, and makes my inner child feel like he was inappropriately touched in naughty places. I think that woman has had an enema of pure, liquid evil. I digress.

8) By the way, why are the Oscars prestigious? Isn't this the same organization that gave an award to Dances With Wolves over Goodfellas? On what planet is Dances with Wolves even a good movie? Didn't they also screw over Citizen Kane? Also, didn't they give an award to Shakespeare in Love? Has anyone watched that movie since it won? These things make me die inside.

Random thoughts I had in class

1) I didn't think Brittany Spears could get any crazier, but darn if that girl doesn't have a talent for surprising. I guess an artist must continually reinvent herself to stay fresh and appealing, but honestly, I don't know what she can do to top this. Perhaps a tattoo on her face? Maybe a steamy tabloid romance with Carrot Top? Some weeks ago, I would have totally written her off as over, replaced by far more interesting train wrecks like Lindsay Lohan. Now, I think there is no ceiling on how crazy she could get. She could become the female Mike Tyson. I hit refresh on Drudge Report 5 times an hour just to see what she's going to do next. Honestly, I hope she never makes another movie or album, she's far more entertaining when she is screwing up in real life.

2) Five years ago, if you were to have picked which cast member of Harry Potter would be most likely to appear in porn, would you have picked Harry? I would have gone with Hermione. Yes, I know, it's not porn, it's serious art, done tastefully, he had creative control, etc. I'm sure all of the creepy, 40 year old men who are googling pictures of him late at night are thinking "My, this nudity is tastefully done and the artistic merits are impeccable.

3) P.S. Brittany, Ditch the whole 12 step thing. Rehab is for quitters.

4) Al Franken is running for the senate in Minnesota. Stuart Smalley could be in the senate, yet a born leader like Vince McMahon can't be taken seriously. Who wouldn't vote for Vince? C-Span would be infinitely more watchable. Imagine, Hillary Clinton moves to filibuster a judicial candidate, just as she moves for a quorum call, Vince hits her over the head with a chair, and says, "I'll fill you, buster!!!!" Wouldn't you watch the news every night just to see what crazy thing went on? Also, I find his positions on foreign policy to be very cogent and forward-thinking.

5) Katie Couric is like the broadcast news equivalent of Rocky V. Just unwatchable. You wonder how thinking people ever let this happen. It's bad, but it's not bad enough to watch for comic value, like "Glitter" or "Plan Nine From Outer Space." It's bad along the lines of turn the channel and try to pretend you didn't see it.

6) Who went and watched Ghost Rider? Was there some kind of subliminal signal sent out in the previews that made people think, "My life is in no way valuable and I have too much money, I will happily go buy a ticket to a clearly dreadful movie." Why would you go watch this movie when you can shove a screwdriver into your brain through your nasal passages to achieve the same result for far less money?

Great Literature.

I was going to blog about the upcoming presidential elections, and actually had the post ready, but I decided to change gears, and post on something more socially relevant. I'd like to post today regarding one of the greatest works of western literature, a novel rife symbolism and existentialist imagery rarely seen in contemporary American prose. I'm speaking, of course, of "There's a Nightmare in my Closet" by Mercer Mayer. If you haven't yet read it, drop what you are doing and go buy it, read it, and after you have finished weeping, read it again and savor what true literary ecstasy can be. If you are doing CPR on someone, stop and go read. CPR is largely ineffective and if the person has read this book they can die happy, and if not, they don't deserve to live anyway.

The plot is insignificant, it is a standard journey of a youth on a voyage of self discovery. It's what he discovers that is key. It's that are fears are really the manifestations of our unrealized unconscious longings and therefore, we are the source of our own fears, and therefore, master of them. Truly deep stuff, not the kind of thing that can be truly absorbed in one reading. I'd like to thank my niece for turning me on to this brilliant though under appreciated work. This, together with the stunningly insightful "Goodnight Moon" just proves that my niece is on the cutting edge of modern literature. Pulitzer prize committee, you have fallen down on the job. Maybe if you took your snotty noses out of your "hundred years of solitude" and other such insignificant drivel you might actually see that there is real literature to be enjoyed. Hang your heads in shame.

The Grammys and the Dixie Chicks

1) Why do people think the Grammys are important? Isn't that the same group of people who gave Milli Vanilli an award? How are they seen as having any kind of legitimacy? Do people really think the Dixie Chicks are better than Corrine Bailey Rae? On what planet is that true? That's like saying Saw III is better than the Godfather. Unforgivable.

2) While we're on the subject, I don't really care about the politics of the Dixie Chicks, but I thought their speech about how winning a grammy somehow proved all of their detractors wrong was just ridiculous. How does winning an award voted on by a small, exclusive group of out of touch elitists prove that the millions of people who didn't buy your records or go to your concerts were wrong? That's like George Bush receiving a "world's best boss" mug from his secretaries and saying that proves he was right about the Iraq war.

3) Sorry to harp on the Dixie Chicks so much, but it has to be said. Their version of Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide" was the musical equivalent of a Kathy Bates nude scene. Totally unnecessary and destined to scar you for life.

4) Lastly, the fact that the Dixie Chicks have a Grammy and the Shins don't, well, that just proves your award is crap.

Ressurection

Okay, after a very long lay off I have decided to resurrect my blog. No one is going to read it, but that's okay. The decision was made after I experienced a great tragedy in my life this past week. I'm sure many of you have gone through the same thing in the past few days. I've been trying to find ways to cope with this tremendous grief, and I think writing will be therapeutic. I'm speaking of course about the loss of one of our nation's most revered heroes, Anna Nicole Smith. I don't think anyone so singularly, and so spectacularly personified the American dream and she will be missed. Shine on, you crazy diamond! You will be missed.

I think the nations inability to cope with this loss is shocking. I'm disturbed that the flags are not at half mast, and that the media has the audacity to cover other stories. A national day of mourning should be declared. George W. Bush, I didn't think my opinion of you could get any lower, but you sir, have proven me wrong. This woman was a true societal innovator, and that should be recognized.