Bullets over Utah

Today's Blog is being typed durin the time that i would be running, except my asthma flared up and my inhaler is on empty. Yippee.

I can't think of anything specific, so here are the random thoughts which peel through my mind at warp factor 9 as I type.

1) I'm glad to see that last week's blog inspired arguments about whether or not Utah sucks. This argument in no way resembles the type of conversation 4 year olds might have over who's dad could is coolest.

2) The new Star Wars is rated PG-13. Hmmmm...Wouldn't it be like the greatest trick ever if George Lucas were to release two really bad movies and then release the greatest film ever made. There could be a little clip of him at the end of the movie going "Got Ya!"

3) I know, the third star wars will suck. George Lucas probably just filmed himself rolling around naked in a huge pile of money for two and a half hours.

4) Even if the last statement is true, i'm still going to see it, and you are too. Don't Front.

5) Did anyone else hear that Paula Abdul had an affair with an American Idol Contestant? You go girl! What is she, like 50 and bagging teenage boys? Isn't that Michael Jackson's bit?

6) There is now a 15 pound hamburger. Finally, a hamburger made for the husky gentleman.

7) Who would win in a fight, Buffy, Vampire Slayer, or Wolverine? Am I the only one losing sleep trying to answer this question?

8) Speaking of Wolverine, does it bother anyone else that Hugh Jackman has been leaning towards the very gay end of the rainbow lately?

9) How has Ron Artest not appeared on pro wrestling? This is so obvious a four year old could make this happen. I demand that someone book this immediately.

10) If I were God, I would turn Utah into a nasty, Arid place. I would give it rocky soil, and alternate between flooding and drought. Then, I would populate the state with people who drive ina manner that can only be described as creative, and who mispronounce the word "across." That's what I would do. Oh, wait.....

Back by popular demand

Okay, I so wasn't going to blog today, on account of the fact that I really can't think of anything intelligent to write. However, after perusing other blogs, I've realized that having something intelligent to say is in no way a requirement for blogging. Todays blog centers on living in utah, and why it is uncool. Let's go with the numbered list format.

1) Okay, this is huge. I cannot find any decent salsa in this state. All of the store bought salsa tastes like butt. Seriously, am I the only one with functioning taste buds in this state? Hello!? You can have salsa that is hot and has good flavor. It's not loaves and fishes, people. It can happen without divine intervention.

2) In any other state, if you were to turn on your turn signal, you would eventually be let in. Not so in Utah. Apparently, the state motto here is "Death Before Yielding."

3) That girl I dated who was waaaaaaaaaay to clingy and needy. She'll never read this so I can say it. You really creeped me out. Space, women, its not just for Captain Kirk.

4) All the women I want to date, totally ignore me for stupid reasons such as they don't think of me "that way", they aren't interested, or have husbands. Lame excuses, all of them.

5) Three words. Oh, My, Heck.

6) It's the end of April, still no spring in sight.

7) Towns that are pronounced in funky manners. Hurricane shyould not be pronounced her-uh-ken.

8) If there is two feet of snow on the ground, you are not in a drought. Live with it.

9) The guy at my work trying to become a non-guy. Come on, dude, chop not off thy dudeness. Somethings cannot be restored, or sewn back on. What are you thinking? Never met anyone with thsi problem outside of Utah.

That's my quick blog for the day. Thanks all.

Once again, this Blog is brought to you courtesy of boredom. First, let me respond to some of the comments left on my last blog.

1) There are no slutty girls in Victoria Secret. Trust me.

2) I've been using the numbered format for letters, diary entries, etc., since I lived in Brazil 6 years ago. I stole the format from no one.

Onto the main point of todays blog, which is the rise and fall of Steven Soderberg, and no I don't care if I spelled his name right, so don't bother commenting on that. I just finished watching Ocean's 12 and all I could think of the whole time was "This is the guy who made the Limey?" Unbelievable. I firmly believe that George Clooney is ruining steven Soderberg. I think that George might be Steven's Yoko Ono. I believe that all of us have a Yoko Ono, kind of like an anti-soulmate, that actually brings us down and saps our creativity. Look at the movies Soderberg made before Ocean's Eleven, and the ones he has made since. The difference is staggering. The difference is almost as striking as Eddie Murphy movies from the eighties and Eddie Murphy movies in the nineties. Ocean's Eleven was fun, but hardly at the same level as Traffic, or the Limey. Did anyone even see Solaris or Full Frontal (memo to HBO: don't show Full Frontal after midnight. When you turn on HBO late night, and something called Full Frontal is supposed to be on, you kind of expect something other than an art house movie). Bottom line, Steven, please, go back and make edgy movies. Your biopic on Che Guevarra can't come out fast enough. Please, I like George Clooney (by the way, I'm decreeing that ER ended when he left the show. The seasons after that never happened, can't we all agree on this?) but move on. Make movies with someone else. Accept that you and George are the cinematic equivalent of the Plastic Ono Band. You are a better director than the movies that you are making. Don't let success go to your head. Don't be the next Spielberg, or Lucas.

Thanks all, if I get a chance I will update later this week, Hopefully about some upcoming CD's.

Random thoughts from a deranged mind.

Greetings all! This is my very first blog and I am absolutely horrified that a nutjob like myself can get onto the internet and write whatever he wants. I expect that I will use this blog to comment on society, and occaisionally write coherent, well thought out columns. However, this first time I'm just going to write random thoughts about whatever pops into my mind. For those of you who don't know me, I don't think in paragraph form, so my random thoughts blogs will be in the ever popular bulleted format. Here goes:

1) How is it that George Lucas can manage to piece together two and a half minutes of footage to make a good movie trailer, but can't manage to make a decent movie? Every three years it seems we get a movie trailer that looks awesome, promising to equal the glory of the original trilogy. Then, once we go to the movie theater we find that once again George has delivered to us the cinematic equivalent of a kidney stone. It's just not fair.

2) I think that we should let baseball players use whatever steroids they want, as long as they provide the fans attending the game with whatever drugs they want. Imagine, juiced up athletes with skinny legs and horrible back-acne drilling 500 foot homers as the audience screams in an LSD induced hallucination. At least the sport would finally be watchable.

3) Dr. Dre should be limited to discovering new rappers and saying "Hell yeah!" on albums. I feel very strongly about this.

4) Someone tried to tell me that the plastic ono band was innovative. There are simply not enough drugs on this planet to get me to agree with that statement.

5) Shouldn't there be a sport on Pay-per-view that is just monkeys with chainsaws?

6) It turns out that one of the guys from 98 degrees is getting his own reality show. Meanwhile, the person most deserving o a reality show, Mike Tyson, still does not get enough TV coverage to satisfy me.

7) Scented candles are a scam. Does anyone else see this? I feel like I am taking crazy pills.

8) In a perfect world, hollywood liberals, and members of the bush administration would make peace and engage in all star jam sessions. Am I the only one who is rooting for Dick Cheney to get onstage with the Pearl Jam and just let the music flow? Of course I'm not.

9) On TV you always see guys who find girls that are willing to just start making out after five minutes of knowing each other. Where are these women? Do they gather somewhere that I am unaware of? I've checked everywhere and can't find them. I even strolled through an Abercrombie and Fitch store in search of these women. Can't find them. If you know where they are, please let me know.

10) Maybe the secret of Lost is that there is no secret. Maybe they're just trapped on a creepy island. Has this possibility not occured to anyone else?

Thanks, until later.