Decades Best 2: Music

Apologies for last weeks post in which I declared Avatar a great movie. I will be moving it to the colossal disappointment column. I have a lot to say on that movie, but I'll save it for a post. Maybe this week if I'm lucky. Here are the decades best tunes. I put up some clips to go along. I tried to get live performances for each of the songs as I prefer live versions of most songs. Enjoy the list and don't forget to post in the comments section with anyone you feel I missed (Celine Dion suggestions will get you banned).

Arcade fire-Intervention; Rebellion

The 2000's was the decade where control of music was finally wrestled away from the evil men in suits who had poisoned it for so long. Indie Rock rose to new prominence as file sharing on the internet meant that you could download any song you wanted at any moment for free, and the masses were no longer forced to opnly listen to the music that the suits put out there. This paved the way for bands like Death Cab For Cutie, and the current indie golden boys du jour, Arcade Fire, to have an audience they never would have found 10 years ago. Arcade Fire is a great band who put out a stellar record about death, and then followed it up with a stellar record about life. No best of the decade list is complete if it doesn't contain at least one of these two songs.



Beck- Lost Cause; Clap Hands; E-Pro

No way can we talk about music this decade without Beck, who never met a genre he didn't like. Nausea is probably a better song, but Lost Cause is dark, personal, and depressing. Me like. Second video is for a throwaway b-side from the Guerro recordings that found new life in the live shows. Completely awesome. Last clip I threw in because honestly, how cool is it that Beck hires a dude to run around the stage and dance. Plus, the song is really good.







Amen Omen, Ben Harper

2000's saw a new rise in Acoustic songs. I've always felt that the best and purest music comes from a lone guitarist whose song consists of 3 chords and the truth. For one man to hold a room captive with an acoustic guitar is impressive. Harper is one of the most consistent in that area and this is my favorite Ben Harper song.


Skinny Love, Bon Iver
Another good acoustic track. Maybe because its so recent, but this song just felt fresher than anything I had heard in a long time.



Bright Eyes-At the bottom of everything

Connor Oberst could have probably been the next Dylan if he hadn't killed his brain cells with cocaine and self-righteousness. He's still a great songwriter but his own demons and political nutbaggery insure that he'll probably never make the leap to the next level. Still, when he is on his game, like he was in this track (and much of the Wide Awake It's Morning Album) he puts out some right nice tunes.



Explosions in the sky-Your hand in Mine

One of the best songs of the Decade has no words. Just as well, no words could be as moving as the music by itself is here.



Flaming Lips-Do You Realize; Wand
Why do I get such a kick out of far left nut-jobs with a penchant for the surreal? I have no idea, but the Flaming Lips put out three albums this decade and 1 of them was transcendent and the other 2 weren't bad. If someone out there can find me the giant hands, please contact me.





Fleet Foxes- White Winter Hymnal

An incredible surprise and proof that music is only getting better. This band is the modern day Crosby, Stills and Nash, except they have more that 3 good songs. Take that Steven Stills! If you don't own their whole album, GO BUY IT RIGHT NOW!



The Format-Tie the Rope; The First single

The Format died before its time. There tunes were like anything else, poppy and upbeat, but not in an annoying way. It's a tragedy that these guys weren't the biggest band this decade.





The Rising, Bruce Springsteen-

This song perfectly captures the mood after 9-11. I remember seeing it just about every day in the months following the attack. It had that great, "We're down, but we will get back up and fight" sense to it. This song and U2's Beautiful Day kind of became the post 9-11 anthem about finding optimism in a bleak and dark reality.

You have to click the link on this one because Bruce will not allow embedding because if you don't visit youtube to see the video then the terrorists have won.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNnB4dkVRJI&feature=related


Damien Rice-Cannonball

Why is this list overrun with Irish Folk singers? I don't know, but this was yet another stellar tune from the acoustic madness no prevalent in the 2000's.

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Glen Hansaard and Marketa Irglova-Falling Slowly

If you don't like this song you have no soul. Ogre.



Green Day, Holiday

There was no shortage of Anti-President Bush songs this decade, but this was the best. If you'd told me in 1994 that Green Day would not only be relevant 10 years later, but politically charged and innovative, I probably would have laughed at you.


Iron and Wine-Naked as We Came
More Gleeful acoustic hippyness.



Jimmy Eat World, Sweetness

It wasn't all acoustic hippys running around with beards and birkenstocks this decade. There was also EMO. Jimmy Eat World pretty much started the Emo thing, then EMO came to refer not to pop-punk music with an emotional theme, but instead to dark haired freakish teenagers who cut themselves and avoided sunlight. Thankfully, Jimmy Eat World always kept their music grounded in Rock. This song was literally EVERYWHERE in 2002, and probably is responsible for a slough of terrible bands who run around playing songs very fast in Drop D tuning.


Johnny Cash, Hurt
Best Video of the Decade. The song perfectly embodied Cash, even without the video it's moving. The video depicting Cash everybit as worn out, frail, and depressing as he was as he looked back on better days of his life, many of which he squandered. Trent Reznor, who wrote the song, reportedly cried when he saw the video. It got me the first time I saw it, and now years later it's still about the saddest thing you will ever see.



Joshua Radin, Closer
I will not rest until I convince every person who likes acoustic guitar music that this man is awesome. AWESOME I SAY!


Kanye West-Goldigger

Yet another song that was everywhere. For good reason. It's probably the catchiest hip-hop song of the decade.



Keane, Everybody's Changing
Keane is simply the Best Britpop we got this decade. Even if everything after their first album was dreadful, the first album was good enough that you have to at least listen to their new stuff, hoping that they come up with something this good at least once more.



The Shins, New Slang

Before you start sending angry messages about how The Shins have gotten too mainstream, stop and remember that there was a time that they were the greatest indie band on the planet and if you knew of them, you tried to get all of your friends to listen to them, because hearing their songs was so amazing. Too bad Zach Braff overexposed them and now your idiot friend has a Shins track wedged on the playlist between Miley Cyrus and Brittany Spears.



Spoon, Underdog

Spoon has got to be one of the most exciting bands out there. Their music is almost always good, and you never quite know what they're going to come up with next. The horns and saxes on this album were a bit of a surprise but I loved. them.



Phantom Planet, California
Okay, before this song became used as the theme to the O.C. (overrated during its run, underrated now that it's gone), this was an amazing indie hit. The song still holds up all these years later. Plus, it kind of makes me want to go visit Cali.



Sufjan Stevens, John Wayne Gacy; Chicago

Sufjan Stevens is a freaking genius and everyone should own his stuff. Chicago is a great little tune which captures a feeling about being young and care free, John Wayne Gacy is less about an evil man and more about the evil that is in all of us. What secrets are hidden under the floorboards of your life?





U2, Beautiful Day; Walk On

U2 resurrected its career and reclaimed its status this decade with a Masterpiece album, and two fantastic followups. These two songs were at the right place, at the right time, and perfectly captured the feeling of the time people listened to them. Ironic that they were recorded and released before 9-11, but their message caught on in the wake of the terrible disaster. Life is a beautiful thing and we will continue on even in sadness or sorrow with a hope in better things to come.





The Soggy Bottom Boys, Man of Constant Sorrow
There's a reason this song was everywhere in the early years of the decade. It's really really good. A bluegrassified version of a forgotten Bob Dylan song, if this song didn't get your toes tappin' it was probably because you were dead.



We Are Scientists, After Hours

Why is this song on here? Because it's upbeat and catchy. not everything has to have a deep meaning or significance, you know.



Vampire Weekend, A-Punk

Totally unlike anything else out there, and in a completely good way. I can't wait for their follow up album.



Weezer, Island in the Sun

Weezer, like U2, managed to resurrect itself this decade. Weezer has released a wealth of good songs this decade, but this simple one is my favorite because of its relentless catchiness. You can't help but find yourself humming it a few hours after hearing it.



Wilco-I'm the Man Who Loves You

Yankee, Hotel, Foxtrot was one of the best albums of the decade, not just because of the music, but because of what it symbolized. The record company killed the album, the group put it on their website for free where it gained notoriety, and then the band released it with a new record company to meet the demand from the website downloads and the album became a huge hit. Basically, the fact that this album became a hit soon after the suits at the record company killed it signaled the dawn of the digital music age, and the end of corporate control of your music choices. It's not hard to see why people liked the album, it is nothing short of a masterpiece. Arty enough to reward repeat listenings, but accessible enough that you really dig the songs.



The White Stripes: Seven Nation Army, Death Letter

Probably my favorite band of the decade. Jack White brought back feedback driven, gritty rock. The minimalist setup of the band creates a lean, mean, rocking machine where the music has no fat, no over production, just straight up rocking.

Decades Best Part 1

The 10 best films I saw this Decade.

The Royal Tenenbaums- Anyone who knows me knows that I have a dark and off kilter sense of humor. People either really love this movie or really hate this movie. I secretly suspect that the people who hate this movie lack the ability to appreciate the finely nuanced humor that rewards repeat viewings. Or maybe they just hate it because it doesn't have explosions, flatulence, or Larry the Cable Guy. This is without a doubt Owen Wilson's best film. Sadly he died shortly after this film was made. Do you understand me? He died. Tragically. He never made Drillbit Taylor. It never happened. You hallucinated it. Next time, just say no to drugs.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy- Probably the funniest movie of the decade that I'm not embarrassed to admit that I liked. It's also one of the most quotable movies of the decade, if not all time. This was back when Will Ferrell was funny. Hard to believe Will Ferrell went from the next big thing to the next Chevy Chase so quickly. Gosh his films have been terrible lately. Brick rules!

About a Boy- I never would have imagined liking a movie that starred Hugh Grant. However, the film about a self-absorbed narcissist is hilarious. And if a guy like him can find love, it brings hope to my family that one day I will fake some poor girl into a marriage.

Memento- Turns standard story telling on its head in a way that has been often imitated but never with the same affect. This movie has some of my favorite story telling conventions. Non-linear narrative, unreliable narrator, and most importantly, Joe Pantoliano.

The Dark Knight-Great story, top notch acting, IMAX scenes, and also the best magic trick in a movie ever (Where did that pencil go?). Batman Begins wasn't exactly slouch filmaking, but this film was masterful in every way. There's nothing in this film that could have been better with the possible exception of *spoiler alert* killing Maggie Gyllenhal earlier. I'm begging the entire Gyllenhal family to refrain from acting. They're just not good. At least her death established a truely terrifying story where characters were legitimately in danger and life for them was a dark and random place where bad things could happen without warning, and who hasn't felt that way about their life from time to time?

Avatar- Smurfs on steroids that blow things up in 3-D? How can this not be the best movie of the decade. I haven't seen it yet and I'm still putting it on the list. I have that much faith in James Cameron. He directed Terminator 2, and the last Aliens movie that wasn't a total disaster. I'm willing to chalk Titanic up to a 200 million dollar practical joke to prove that girls will watch any ridiculous love story a million times as long as the hero is a femmy looking dude who sports boy bangs with whom the heroine couldn't possibly sustain a long term relationship.

Almost Famous- If this movie comes on TNT on a saturday afternoon, you know you will sit there and finish it. It's probably the best movie of the decade. It certainly has the best soundtrack. I defy you not to smile during the Tiny Dancer bus scene. It's not humanly possible. If you don't smile then your soul may be missing. May it was vaporized by global warming. The only complaint I have about this movie is that Cameron Crowe basically had nothing left after he put his heart and soul into this film and his movies since then have been terrible (Elizabethtown, anyone? How high do you have to be to think that either Kristen Dunst or Orlando Bloom can act?)

Gosford Park- Ha! You didn't see that one coming, did you! A commentary on social class disguised as a murder mystery, and the film works on both levels. Good film, even if Robert Altman was a self-important jerk. And yes, I said he was a jerk. I don't care if it is rude to speak ill of the dead. He was and I'm saying it.

The Fog of War- Probably the best documentary of the decade. Robert McNamara is such a compelling figure. Made about the time the Iraq war was starting up, McNamara, the architect of Vietnam raises questions that everyone should ask themselves, and leaves the viewer free to come up with their own answer. A movie about a man who is probably responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people, and the movie does a good job of showing McNamara's reaction to his sins. He never really owns them, but you can see that what he's done weighs on him, and you wonder how certain he is of some of the things he says.

Brick- A classic film noir set in a modern high school. If you are a fan of dialogue, then you will love this movie. Teenagers delivering lines that could have been written by Raymond Chandler himself, what's not to love?

8 Films That Are Not Nearly as Good as Everyone Says or Thinks They Are.

1) Anything that involves vampires that sparkle. This is not up for debate. It is pure fact.

2) Lord of the Rings- Before you flood my email box with hate mail, or you put me on an Al-Queda mailing list, let me say that the films are good films. They are great films. Probably some of the best and most entertaining films of the decade. They are also the longest films ever made. Three and a half hours is too long for a movie. Please, for the love of the seat cushions, cut something out of the film. How many Orcs do we need to see get impaled? We get the point. Liv Tyler? Not that important, she could be cut. While watching the last movie in this series, my buttocks went numb from being seated for so long.

3) Gladiator- I cannot stress this enough: this is an average movie, at best. Why exactly did this get nominated for an Oscar? Does Ridley Scott have incriminating photos of someone? I'm not saying its a bad movie, but it is massively overhyped. Dude's family is killed, dude becomes a fighter and gets revenge. What's so great about that? Rocky beat Ivan Drago, who was way tougher than creepy Joaquin Phoenix, and he had a better soundtrack, and a better training montage. In fact, I'm going to go so far as to say that Rocky Four was 10 times better of a movie than Gladiator, and yet, no Oscar. Don't front, if Rocky 4 comes on TV, you are probably going to watch. You are at least staying for the training montage at the end. Then, at some point during the week you are going to confront a challenge and throw your hands up in the air and shout "DRAGO!!!", to the complete bewilderment and confusion of your co-workers or friends who happen to be around you. If Gladiator comes on, are you even sticking around to watch it?

4) Brokeback Mountain- Okay, I haven't seen it, but I feel the need to point this out: This movie is really gay.

5) A Beautiful Mind- I don't hate Russell Crowe. I really don't. Although I would fight him if I had the chance and I was convinced I could win. This would probably involve him being drugged and semi-conscious. However, this is not a good movie. It milked sympathy by claiming to be the authentic story of a man who battled his way back to sanity. The only problem was that this movie was about as faithful to reality as the real Nash was to his wife--which is to say, not very. In fact, by this film's standards, Harry Potter could bill itself as based on a true story. Once you learn that the film is total fiction it loses its impact and is just another hokey film. Also, the screenwriter on this film wrote Batman and Robin which may be the worst movie of all time. I feel like that should matter.

6) The Matrix sequels- Okay, no one thinks these are great films, but lets face it, they are much worse than people give them credit for. I mean, these films are REALLY bad. I mean now that a couple years have passed can't we agree that they are downright unwatchable? You would have to strap me to a chair and wire my eyes open Clockwork Orange-style to convince me to watch these films again. Throw the original Matrix in there too. That film may have been revolutionary in its day, but its been 10 years and it doesn't hold up. That film just straight up sucks if you watch it now.

7) The Aviator- Another example of a movie that is probably okay, maybe even good, but there are people out there who gave this thing awards and it is nowhere good enough to deserve it. In fact, Marty Scorsese's work this whole decade has been that way. I know people refer to him as a genius, but is Gangs of New York even a watchable film? I've only seen it when it aired on TV and I think I made it about 15 minutes. Everyone else I know had the same reaction. Also, when are we going to accept that Leonard DiCaprio is annoying and unwatchable? Am I the only one who feels this way? I feel like you could replace him in pretty much any film with almost any actor and it wouldn't hurt the film at all.

8) Any film by Michael Moore- There's a pretty good chance that Moore's playing loose with the facts helped give republican's enough ammo to get Bush a second term in office. The man is entertaining but his films cannot fairly be called documentaries. They are propaganda films, pure and simple, and they are steadily decreasing in quality (not to mention factual content).

Did I miss any? Sound off in the comments section below.

Go Max Hall!

Meditations on important things

There's a lot of blog worthy things occurring in the world today. Shootings on army bases, health care debates, the season finale of Mad Men, all of these things deserve their own blog. But here at SIMSISMS we are all about the issues. And that is why today's blog is about the most important debate raging in America today: Who would win in a three way battle to the death between Ninja's, Pirates, and Zombies. This is the question that is on the mind of every right-thinking American, and that is why we are going to analyze it today. Let's look at the players and how they stack up against each other:

Category: Abilities

Pirates are noted for their ability with swords, guns, canons, and have the unique ability to buckle something called a swash. Ninjas are masters of misdirection, martial arts, sword play, guerrilla tactics, assassination, and stopping the evil forces of the Shredder. Zombies, as they are already dead, are nearly invulnerable unless you take out the zombie brain, and they have the ability to gorge themselves on human flesh until their zombie stomachs burst.

Edge: Ninjas.

All of the above mentioned abilities are impressive, but Ninja abilities are a cut above the rest. While Pirates are handy with a sword, Ninjas are total devotees of advanced sword fighting. I'm sorry, but dedication and training have to count for something. Ninjas are the clear winners in this category.

Category: Weapons

Pirates, as mentioned above, have the standard weapons of flintlock pistols, muskets, cannons and a trusty cutlass. Ninjas have throwing stars, swords, arrows, nunchuks, and if Batman is to be believed, they also have explosives and primitive forms of LSD. Zombies prefer a more organic approach to weaponry, using only their bare hands to tear you to pieces. Although, zombies have been known to use weapons of opportunity, such as clubs, pipes, or the severed limbs of victims.

Edge: Zombies

The pirate and ninja weapons are kind of a wash (although the ninja claws that Storm Shadow came with in one of his action figure incarnations were about the coolest thing ever), but there's something about being your own deadly weapon that gives Zombies a slight edge here. Plus, if you were going to be killed, we imagine that being clubbed to death with the leg of one of your recently defenestrated family members is a whole lot more terrifying than musket fire or a throwing star.

Category: Motivation

Pirates were generally motivated by money, which should speak to all of you except for those of you hippies who think the world runs on love and flowers (yeah, that's how we'll pay for universal healthcare. Roses and hugs. Nice job, hippies). If TV is correct (and it always is) then every Ninja in history was motivated by the need to avenge their sensei who was murdered by their rival who then later stole their girlfriend and raised the Ninja's illegitimate child as their own, never telling the child the truth about their father until the final, epic battle that takes place in a burning building of some sort. Zombies are motivated by the unquenchable desire to eat your brains. This desire is so intense it gives them life after death and allows them to keep going as their flesh is rotting off and their bodies are decaying (like Lindsay Lohan!).

Edge: Pirates.

Have you read this site? Go capitalism!

Category: Weakness

Pirates are well known booze hounds, so their weakness is probably desire for alcohol and cirrhosis. One good shot to the liver and your average pirate is probably doubling over in pain. Ninjas weakness is their sense of honor, or some stupid unrealistic crap like that. They would want to win a fight honorably, rather than throwing sand in the eyes of their opponent then bashing in his skull with a rock. Zombies, well, lets just say that they aren't exactly deep thinkers. They just wander around mumbling about eating brains. Deductive reasoning and elevated tactical planning are not going to figure into your average zombie assault (yet another thing they have in common with the French).

Edge: No clear winner.

These are all terrible weaknesses. Though the Zombie weakness is probably a little worse than the Pirate/Ninja weaknesses.

Category: Most famous portrayal by an actor

Most famous actor to portray a pirate? Duh.




Okay, okay. It was this guy:




Most Famous actor to be a Ninja?


That's right, Batman and Oskar Schindler.

Most famous Zombie portrayal...

Best music video of all time. Don't tell Kanye.

Edge: Ninjas.

How can you beat the awesomeness of Qui-gon Jin and the kid from Newsies. Okay, but the kid from Newsies has done other stuff. And neither of them ever made a weird Willy Wonka remake or touched children inappropriately (allegedly). There's just too much awesomeness in the Ninja category for it to even be close.

Final Verdict

Ninjas win, all the way. If there were a fight they'd whip on the pirates through superior arms and strategy. The zombies would be more difficult, because of their viciousness and superior numbers, but the Ninjas eventually set the zombies on fire and ride off into the sunset. Difficult decision, but we're declaring the Ninjas the winners.

New Challenge for Uncle Danny

Okay Danny, here's the new song. I'm demanding that you learn it immediately.

Soliciting Ideas

So, I'm trying to come up with a christmas list. So far, not a whole lot is on there. So, I'm opening it up to the world. What should I ask for? Here's the list so far:

Black, brown, gray, or Navy blue socks, solid in color.

Guitar strings, Martin Extra lights

TAG Heuer Mens Aquaracer WAF1112.BA0801 Watch

Ceramic Guitar Slide

Box of vanilla power gels.

AMEX

Gladstone from cracked.com's open letter to American Express. Pretty much sums up the experience many people have had with their credit cards this year.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/an-open-letter-to-american-express/

Dear Little Danny

I've found a new song for you to learn. Please have this down by the end of the day.

Universal Rapture Coverage.

Like most Americans, I spend a lot of time worrying about the rapture. For those of you heathens who don't know, the rapture is when God returns to earth and takes the believers with him to heaven, leaving all the unbelievers behind to fight amongst themselves, at least if the Kirk Cameron movies are to be believed.

Now, while not an evangelical, I do consider myself a Christian. I think I live a pretty good life. I don't commit any major sins, I don't drink or smoke, I read my scriptures daily, and I only jaywalk in emergency situations. However, according to Born-Again Christianity, I'm still probably not good enough to get taken up at the rapture. Apparently, God is not down with Mormons. I'm told by my Evangelical Christian friends that He hates Mormons even more than Muslims, Catholics, and Gays. So, I find myself worrying about what will happen to me during the rapture. Even though the rapture is never actually mentioned in the Bible, a lot of people seem convinced of its truthfulness. If we've learned anything from the last couple of years, it's that beliefs held by large groups of Americans are never wrong. Many people believed that there were weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, and we are still finding piles of WMD's daily. Many people believed that real-estate values would continue to skyrocket, and housing prices continue to skyrocket and real-estate demand is still at an all-time high. Likewise, since so many people believe in the rapture, I'm convinced that it will occur.

This leaves me with a significant problem. What if I get "left behind?" No one can predict exactly what will become of those unbelievers left behind at His coming, but since those left behind will all be sinners, it's a pretty safe bet that it won't be pretty. Knowing this, I've been looking around trying to find some way to hedge against the coming post-rapture disaster. I'm talking, of course, about rapture insurance.

Think about it. After the rapture, society is going to pretty much be on its way out. You are going to need coverage so you can stockpile the provisions and ammunition you need to last as long as you can until the inevitable sinner-zombie apocalypse sends you to the fiery pit of despair where you cannot find relief. And, even if you are taken up, what's going to happen to your loved ones who are sinners? Would you really feel good in heaven knowing that your loved ones left behind were not taken care of?

I've cruised the internets searching for rapture insurance, but the results are very discouraging. Of the major insurance carriers, NONE of them carry rapture insurance. How did this oversight occur? Blue Cross informs me that my policy will cover any injuries I sustain in the rapture, provided that they are not the result of a pre-existing condition. However, if one is left behind in the rapture, it will be because of unbelief prior to the rapture which is by definition a pre-existing condition and any injuries one suffers in the rapture will not be covered. My renter's insurance and car insurance do not offer rapture coverage, and are totally useless because they don't cover "acts of God." What do you think the rapture is people!?!

There are groups on the internets of fundamentalist Christians that offer rapture insurance, but it can be costly and many people refuse to buy this specialized rapture insurance. People think that it is too expensive, or that they somehow don't need it. They either don't believe in the rapture or think that they are good Christians and they are spiritually healthy enough that they will not need rapture insurance. Sure, today you might be in good spiritual condition, but you never know what the future will hold. You could find yourself in the midst of an existential crisis and while suffering from unbelief the rapture could hit without warning and you would be left behind and you would have NO INSURANCE COVERAGE. Also, just because you don't believe in the rapture doesn't mean it won't happen. People who believe that organic food is healthy still get cancer, Christian Scientists still get sick in spite of not believing in medicine, Scientologists still are crazy as loons in spite of not believing in psychiatry.

What will happen to the people who don't purchase rapture insurance? It is likely that those people will become a burden on society. We will collectively have to bear the burden of our co-sinners foolishness. They will become a drain on the public as we are all faced to pay for them through higher rapture insurance premiums and taxes to take care of them when they fall on public assistance. All of this could be avoided however, if everyone would simply purchase rapture insurance themselves.

The costs and risks associated with the rapture are simply too great to let people chart their own course on this. If we continue to allow people to choose whether or not to purchase rapture insurance, many will inevitably make the wrong and foolish choice of going without. People will continue to live in denial and rely on the myth of their own invincibility so that they can have a few extra dollars a month. Money that they will probably spend on sinning anyway. I propose that we make a law requiring everyone to purchase rapture insurance. Employers should be required to offer it to their employees or face fines. Individuals must purchase rapture insurance or they will face similar fines.

Now, you make think, what is to happen to all of the people who cannot afford to pay for rapture insurance? It is true that there are many who would willingly purchase rapture insurance if they could afford it, however they lack the funds to do so. To take care of these people, I propose we create a public option rapture insurance. We can fund this public option by taxing the rapture insurance of those who can afford their own policies. This way, we can assure that everyone is covered in the event of a rapture. At least those who are left behind by God, will not be left behind by society. This is the only choice we have. It is too important an issue to allow people to think for themselves. We cannot afford to let people fail. We must act decisively and quickly. Every day that passes brings the rapture closer and we must make sure our people are covered. WWJD, people? Write your congressperson today and demand universal rapture coverage.

The Obama Gorilla

Political Math is back, with yet another excellent youtube video. Enjoy it in all of its libertarian goodness.

Agreed

Please, someone in the White House, put this on the top of the agenda.

Music you should own

As an ongoing public service, we here at simsisms like to point out music that doesn't suck and that should be a part of your iTunes library. Here's what's on our playlist of late:

1) Vagabond by Wolfmother

I'd all but forgotten about this song til recently, but it is a sorely overlooked tune that everyone should hear, by power trio Wolfmother.



2) Hang on St. Christopher and 16 shells from a 30 ought 6 by Tom Waits.

Anyone who's talked music with me in the past couple months knows that I have been on a HUGE Tom Waits kick. I'll admit that his voice is an acquired taste, but once you start to get what he's going for, you learn to LOVE the voice. It's the voice that Marilyn Manson could only dream of. The expressive growl which gives life to masterfully written songs. These are two of my favorites, taken from the ludicrously surreal live video Big Time. I actually like these versions better than the album versions. I think they're more energetic. 16 Shells is so frenzied you absolutely believe Tom when he screams at the blackbird who laughed at him as he learned to play guitar. Songs like these are why Waits is on the top of my list of people to see if he ever comes back to Vegas.





3) Tightrope by Yeasayer

This is what music should be. Ugly people using crazy intrumentations and great harmonies to make trippy, experimental music. Bonus points to any group willing to throw a sitar on to their studio tracks. Here's a live performance from a radio station, still pretty good.



4) You can't stand in my light anymore by Bob Mould.

If you've ever actually seen a Bob Mould, you might think "Who is this old, bald dude, and why should I know who he is?" Mould used to be part of a group you've never heard of (but should have) called Husker Du, who were an innovative music group about 150 million years ago, or so. Bob still makes great tunes and they deserve a listen.



5) Bigcitydreams by Neversaynever

Who are these guys with shallow but catchy lyrics who refuse to use the space bar? I don't know but dangit, this song is infectious. It's like the swine flu of the music world.


6) Heartbeats by Jose Gonzalez

Yeah, so I like mellow, acoustic music. So shoot me. This song is still great. The kind of thing James Taylor might have written before Carly Simon had him shot and killed and replaced with a clone. I don't even care that this song is used in Sony Commercials.

7) The Ship Song by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

This is a great song, I don't care if Nick has the worst 70's mustache in the history of mankind in this video.

8)Sax Rohmer #1 by the Mountain Goats.

Not their most famous song, but definitely best. And no, I don't care that the song doesn't feature a saxaphone or a famous Yankee second baseman. Stop being so literal.

9) Hey Julie by Fountains of Wayne.
Why aren't these guys more popular? How is Stacy's Mom their only hit song? MTV, you sicken me. Everyone who owns a guitar should know how to play this song.




10) Pretty Much anything that has ever been written by Greg Laswell

That's right. Our last entry is everything Greg has ever written. You should just run and go download. Quick, before any mor eof his songs are viciously defiled by being featured on Grey's Anatomy. Here's a live performance of mone of my fav's.

Ouch.

Seriously, harsh criticism.

Why mods don't happen?

The government has a 75 billion dollar program to help bank modify mortgages. They were hoping by now to have some 3-4 million people in the program, so far, they've got about 180,000. Turns out, the problem isn't on the government end, it's that the banks collect a ton of fees dragging your home into foreclosure so it's in their interest to drag the process out as long as possible.

Great story in the New York Times about the issue. To read it, click HERE

PO-PO statement

Racism?

Were the police racist, or was Prof. Gates out of line? Should the President be commenting on this while admitting that he doesn't know the facts? Here's the police report. You decide.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0723092gates1.html

Ron Paul, Ron Paul, Ron Paul!

The worse the economy gets, the more this guy make sense. Never thought I'd see the day when Ron Paul sounded less crazy than the people running the government.

Whoa-man

see more Funny Graphs

Why I'll never live in New York

Nice place to visit, but...

Paul Krugman

Paul Krugman very seriously argues that the reason the stimulus isn't working is because the government just isn't spending enough money, doggone it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/10/opinion/10krugman.html?_r=1

Paul, do us all a favor, and return that Nobel Prize.

No end in sight

People frequently ask me if I think the economy is about to turn around. I tell them no. No one who believes recovery is on the horizon can point to ANY statistic or indicator to justify their optimism. I tell you what I tell everyone else, the numbers you get from the White House, which are then passed along to the media are doctored. They are unreliable, and juked to make things seem better than they really are. Take a look at this fantastic article by Mortimer Zuckerman over that the Wall Street Journal about why the economy is in even worse shape than you think it is.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124753066246235811.html

Barbara Boxer

Oh Barbara, still stupid.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/mcclatchy/20090711/sc_mcclatchy/3269899

Cramer gets it right

Yet again, Jim Cramer gets it right and calls what no one else will. Oil Futures are a sham and the price of oil has ZERO connection to reality.

Foreclosure Process

One of the questions I get asked frequently is what the timeline on a foreclosure looks like. I found this on the internets, though honestly, lenders are a little more aggressive than what this chart lays out. Generally, a notice of default is filed after you've missed 4 months, and then things proceed from there. Here's a rough outline of the process though. There's probably something similar in your jurisdiction (except for California and their crappy No-Deficiency on first mortgages statutes).

Nevada Foreclosure Process

Graph Jams

One of my favorite sites is Graph Jams. I highly recommend you give it a look.



Graph Jam.com

Oh, and by the way, happy 4th of July!

National Debt Visualization

This was sent to me by my personal economist, Dr. Dave, PhD. I thought it was a pretty good way to visualize how out of control the debt has become.

The Phone Dilemma

So, as many of you know, in between cramming for the bar and raising awareness of the fight for democracy in Iran, I've been shopping around for a cell phone. I love beat up old samsung, and it has served well, but it's a little bulky, dated, and I'm getting the itch for something a little more lawyerish. I'm interested in getting a smartphone but nothing really seems right. Phones that I might be interested in all seem tied to terrible networks, or the good networks seem to offer dismal phones. Here's where I pretty much stand:

AT&T: AT&T has the two greatest phones in creation. The iPhone and the Blackberry Bold. However, AT&T is also possibly the worst network in creation. How they can make the "more bars in more places" claim is beyond me as everyone I know with AT&T service complains nonstop about what a horrible network it is. In fact, the only people I know with AT&T are on it because they are on a family plan which they don't pay for, or because they own an iPhone. As cool as the iPhone is, there's simply no justification to have to pay an extra 30 bucks for a data plan, and additional fees for text messaging plans. Seriously AT&T, is there a limit to your greed? Bernie Madoff thinks your plans are a scam.

Artist Rendition of AT&T's President

T-Mobile: T-Mobile has a reputation for good customer service, but the only phones they have that interest me are their blackberrys. Sorry Google Phones, Android looks cool, but try coming out with a phone that isn't butt ugly and can actually be used for something. The G1 was the cell phone equivalent of the L.A. Clippers (once again, condolences to Blake Griffin). Honestly though, the only decent looking BB they're running right now is the 8900, which I'm on the fence about. T-Mobile charges $40 for their standard 600 minute plan, and 35 bucks on top of that for the data. however, unlike the Ferengi's over at AT&T that figure includes unlimited text messaging (as well as picture messaging and IM). However, it does not include free mobile to mobile, which will run you another 8 bucks. Seriously, T-mobile? You couldn't throw that in for free? Anyway, the drawbacks to the greedy germans are that it has the smallest network, has a rep for dropping calls, and again, has yet to come out with a phone that not only works well, but also makes all your friends jealous (although if your friends have AT&T, then any phone that works well would probably make them jealous). Mostly, I can't get past the whole extra fees for mobile-to-mobile thing. That is just patently evil.

T-Mobile Founder. Press Photo.

Verizon: My current provider and the most frustrating company in existence. Verizon is reputed to have the most reliable network, however, it also has a lot of very crappy phones. When it comes to smartphone/pda's, Verizon just sucks. It is so bad, you can only explain it through a perfect storm of arrogance and incompetence. You could not intentionally offer a lineup of smartphones this bad intentionally. The human soul would not allow it. It's like holding your breath until you pass out. Eventually, your reflexes will take over and you'll start breathing again. Likewise, eventually, your reflexes would take over and you would offer at least one phone a person might at least consider buying. Instead, Verizon offers a host of underpowered phones which run on Windows Mobile. I already have to deal with windows freezing and glitching on my laptop, I'm not going to put up with it on my phone. Thanks, but no thanks.

Verizon does have blackberrys, but they are a little out of date, and you have to pay 30 bucks for a data plan that once again, DOES NOT INCLUDE TEXT MESSAGING!!! Even worse, Verizon seems to be oblivious to the whole idea that phones can now handle WiFi. Only four Verizon phones come with that option. FOUR! An option that is pretty much standard on every smartphone offered by every other carrier in the world is somehow a novelty in Verizon Land. Verizon's premium phone was supposed to be the BlackBerry Storm; a phone so famously bad that the New York Times wondered if they actually tested the thing to see if it worked before they released it for sale. I might even consider the abomination of cellular nation that is the Black Berry storm if only it had WiFi. I might consider the upcoming Blackberry Tour, but oh wait, once again, it DOESN'T HAVE WIFI!!! It turns out that it was actually capable of WiFi but the powers that be made RIM disable it because they didn't want their customers going outside of the verizon network for data downloands.

You know what I say to that decision? EPIC FAIL! Who is calling the shots at Verizon? A chimp? Because I can't see a chimp screwing up this badly. Chimps have pride. I know many people what would willingly switch to Verizon if they could come up with at least ONE phone worth buying. As it stands, the only way I'm staying with Verizon when I upgrade is if the Storm 2 comes out and emits waves of pure awesomeness. And even then, it had better come out before August.

Sprint: Sprint has a rep for a small network and terrible customer service. In fact, Sprint actually went so far as to cancel the contracts of 1000 of its customers last year who complained too much. (In Sprints defense, some of the customers reportedly contacted them over 100 times during the month with complaints about things that were in fact, the customers' own fault). Some people might find that shocking, but having worked in customer service and having learned from sad experience that 90% of people are functionally retarded with the approximate IQ of granite, I kind of have to admire them. Sprint grabbed headlines recently with the release of the Palm Pre and reportedly made improvements to its network as well. Reports are that resolving customer service issues remains firmly in the ninth circle of hell, but the coverage has supposedly gotten much better. The Pre is niftly little machine, and it's only real drawbacks are terrible battery life and inability to waste your disposable income on apps you don't need. The biggest selling point for Sprint is price. 70 bucks a month will get you 450 minutes, unlimited nights and weekends that start at 7 p.m., unlimited data, text messaging, picture messaging, and you can roam onto Verizon towers. The only real phone worth getting on Sprint is the Pre, but while it seems cool now, it doesn't have any kind of track record so there is no way to tell whether the Pre is going to last you for two years. Still, right now it is the strongest contender for my Cellular bid. I just wish it didn't feel like I was making a deal with the devil.

Sprint's Proposed new company logo

So loyal readers, what say ye? Which phone is the one phone to rule them all? Which service is the best service? Why can't there just be a decent phone on a decent network? Please leave your take in the comments section or by email.

Untitled 4 - Where is Iran's vote

Untitled 3

Happy Birthday Mom!

Eric Clapton

Untitled 2

Untitled

Father's Day

Here's two videos for my pops in honor of Father's day. The Eric Clapton one accidentally got posted last week, but here it is again. It's a rare video of the song "My father's eyes" which was actually written around the same time as "Tears in Heaven" and was recorded for the famous Unplugged concert, but never aired. The song was sporadically played over the next 6 years and eventually released, but this remains my favorite version.



Next Video is for my dad, and for all you lawyer dads. If you've ever billed hourly you will sympathize with this video.

3gS v. Pre

Should you get a Pre or an iPhone? This flowchart will help you decide.

http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/gizmodo/2009/06/iphonepreflowchart.jpg

Fun with Email

Here's a little email I sent to Barbara Boxer today,

Dear Ms. Boxer

I am writing to say that I found your exchange with the General the other day to be shameful and embarrassing. Let me clarify this for you: being a senator does not make you better than other people. It does not entitle you to ANY special respect and certainly doesn't grant special dispensation to be rude and hostile in public. You are a servant of the people, not royalty. You are no different than a butler or a maid, or the guy I pay to cut my lawn. You are employed by people to do a job for them. Servants do NOT insist on titles.

Maybe you should worry less about your title and more about serving the people from California. As it is, your actions show a total lack of humility necessary to serve as my senator and you can count on NEVER getting my vote, my family's vote, or any of my friend's votes. This episode has shown me just how arrogant, self-serving you are and just how disconnected you are from what your job should be.

If you can't manage to represent California well, then perhaps you could at least represent California more quietly, and kindly stop embarrassing us.

Barbara Boxer

Is a b----!

Honest, Abe.

Frequently throughout my day, I find myself bothered by a recurring question, a question I'm sure that many of you find popping in your minds several times a day as well:

Is Abe Vigoda dead?

Fortunately, there is now a website which informs you of Abe Vigoda's continued status. Simply click on the link below and it will instantly tell you if the Abe-ster is all right and you can go through the rest of your day worry free.

http://www.abevigoda.com/ffb.php

Why California is broke

Thanks to DIGG.com for the picture

Hammer Time!

Ricky Watson originally posted this on facebook, and I'm stealing it because I thought it was HILARIOUS!

War on Drugs

Fred R. Conrad/The New York Times

This year marks the 40th anniversary of President Richard Nixon’s start of the war on drugs, and it now appears that drugs have won.

“We’ve spent a trillion dollars prosecuting the war on drugs,” Norm Stamper, a former police chief of Seattle, told me. “What do we have to show for it? Drugs are more readily available, at lower prices and higher levels of potency. It’s a dismal failure.”

For that reason, he favors legalization of drugs, perhaps by the equivalent of state liquor stores or registered pharmacists. Other experts favor keeping drug production and sales illegal but decriminalizing possession, as some foreign countries have done.

Here in the United States, four decades of drug war have had three consequences:

First, we have vastly increased the proportion of our population in prisons. The United States now incarcerates people at a rate nearly five times the world average. In part, that’s because the number of people in prison for drug offenses rose roughly from 41,000 in 1980 to 500,000 today. Until the war on drugs, our incarceration rate was roughly the same as that of other countries.

Second, we have empowered criminals at home and terrorists abroad. One reason many prominent economists have favored easing drug laws is that interdiction raises prices, which increases profit margins for everyone, from the Latin drug cartels to the Taliban. Former presidents of Mexico, Brazil and Colombia this year jointly implored the United States to adopt a new approach to narcotics, based on the public health campaign against tobacco.

Third, we have squandered resources. Jeffrey Miron, a Harvard economist, found that federal, state and local governments spend $44.1 billion annually enforcing drug prohibitions. We spend seven times as much on drug interdiction, policing and imprisonment as on treatment. (Of people with drug problems in state prisons, only 14 percent get treatment.)

I’ve seen lives destroyed by drugs, and many neighbors in my hometown of Yamhill, Oregon, have had their lives ripped apart by crystal meth. Yet I find people like Mr. Stamper persuasive when they argue that if our aim is to reduce the influence of harmful drugs, we can do better.

Mr. Stamper is active in Law Enforcement Against Prohibition, or LEAP, an organization of police officers, prosecutors, judges and citizens who favor a dramatic liberalization of American drug laws. He said he gradually became disillusioned with the drug war, beginning in 1967 when he was a young beat officer in San Diego.

“I had arrested a 19-year-old, in his own home, for possession of marijuana,” he recalled. “I literally broke down the door, on the basis of probable cause. I took him to jail on a felony charge.” The arrest and related paperwork took several hours, and Mr. Stamper suddenly had an “aha!” moment: “I could be doing real police work.”

It’s now broadly acknowledged that the drug war approach has failed. President Obama’s new drug czar, Gil Kerlikowske, told the Wall Street Journal that he wants to banish the war on drugs phraseology, while shifting more toward treatment over imprisonment.

The stakes are huge, the uncertainties great, and there’s a genuine risk that liberalizing drug laws might lead to an increase in use and in addiction. But the evidence suggests that such a risk is small. After all, cocaine was used at only one-fifth of current levels when it was legal in the United States before 1914. And those states that have decriminalized marijuana possession have not seen surging consumption.

“I don’t see any big downside to marijuana decriminalization,” said Peter Reuter, a professor of criminology at the University of Maryland who has been skeptical of some of the arguments of the legalization camp. At most, he said, there would be only a modest increase in usage.

Moving forward, we need to be less ideological and more empirical in figuring out what works in combating America’s drug problem. One approach would be for a state or two to experiment with legalization of marijuana, allowing it to be sold by licensed pharmacists, while measuring the impact on usage and crime.

I’m not the only one who is rethinking these issues. Senator Jim Webb of Virginia has sponsored legislation to create a presidential commission to examine various elements of the criminal justice system, including drug policy. So far 28 senators have co-sponsored the legislation, and Mr. Webb says that Mr. Obama has been supportive of the idea as well.

“Our nation’s broken drug policies are just one reason why we must re-examine the entire criminal justice system,” Mr. Webb says. That’s a brave position for a politician, and it’s the kind of leadership that we need as we grope toward a more effective strategy against narcotics in America.