Manly vs. Girly

Here at Simsisms, we do not see things as good or bad. We see things in terms of their manliness. Here is our view of recent events, people, and other things that have caught our attention and our evaluation of their manliness.

Cycling in Utah Valley.

Verdict:



Manly

Sure, cyclists are generally manorexically thin, spandex wearing, body-shaving psychos, but they are also tough. Is there a a manlier man alive than Lance Armstrong? That man stared cancer in the face, laughed in its face and generally gave it the finger. After treating death like it was his undersized cellmate on its first night in prison, what did he do for an encore? He won the world's toughest freaking race and most painful sporting event. Seven. Freaking. Times. Don't ever say that cyclists aren't manly.

Utah Valley is a great place to enjoy cycling, and my friend Travis happens to run a blog dedicated to increasing awareness of cycling in Utah Valley. I encourage everyone to visit his website, and please post on his blog. If you live in Utah Valley and have an interest in cycling, or are just looking for a good way to stay in shape, Trav is the man to get in touch with. Travis holds an honorary doctorate from the Simsisms institute of manliness. Not only is Travis a marathoner, half-ironmanner, baseball champion, and cycling race winner, but Simsisms has seen him undergo shoulder surgery, and a marriage all in the same week. He raced in the Wasatch Back in spite of knee injury, and then rumor has it, urinated a steady stream of pure testosterone for 15 straight minutes as his body could no longer contain his manliness. Be manly. Visit bikeuv.org

Blowing out your second ACL.

Verdict:



Girly.

Here at Simsims.com, we love our little bro Danny. Of all our younger siblings, he is our definite favorite. Generally, Danny is a manly guy. He plays sports, chases girls, and avoids eyebrow waxing at all costs. This past winter he blew out an ACL in a soccer oriented display of manliness. No pictures exist of this event, but we're pretty sure it looked something like this:



Only on a soccer field.


Here is a picture of Danny at Christmas, recovering from proving his manliness.



Recently, Danny, tore his second ACL. One ACL: Manly. Two ACL's in a year: Trying too hard to take attention off of your cool older Brother, Brad. Distracting from the awesomeness of Brad is a girly thing to do Danny. Get well soon so we can concentrate on how cool and manly Brad is.

in fairness, here is a rough Simsisms reconstruction of what Brad looked like after his last soccer game.




Norman Borlaug

Verdict




Very Manly.

What's that? You have no idea who Norman Borlaug is? Sit back and let Simsisms.com educate you. Norman Borlaug is a microbiologist. What's manly about microbiology? Plenty. Borlaug spent the 40's and 50's in Mexico pioneering different strains of wheat crops in order to increase food production. Not satisfied with helping to stem the tide of starvation in Mexico, he hopped a plane to India in the 60's. While you or your parents were tuning in and dropping out, Borlaug was helping to dramatically increase grain production in Asia. While there he managed to reduce the impact of a famine, proving that he was manlier than Mother Nature, that butch old hag. In 1970 he was awarded the Nobel Prize. Since there is no official Nobel Prize for manliness, they opted to give him the Nobel Peace Prize instead. The Nobel Committee estimated that by 1970 his efforts had managed to save roughly one BILLION lives. That's right, billion. What have you done with your life? Saved a billion people...? What's that? Oh, you haven't saved jack squat? Well then stand up and salute Norman Borlaug, Real Man.



Most people, after saving a billion lives and winning a Nobel Prize, would call it a day. Not Norman Borlaug. Borlaug has continued to find new and better ways to feed the world. He's been a leader in expanding genetically modified food. He probably could have saved another billion lives were it not for the evil environmental gestapo. When he tried to convince African nations to use genetically modified foods to stop starvation, the environmentalists went to work launching a campaign of misinformation and outright lies to stop him. You may have heard these lies, often spouted by hippies and "herbal americans," generally while they are encouraging you to eat so-called "organic foods." In spite of the fact that there is zero evidence to show that genetically modified foods pose any health risk, and zero evidence to support that so-called organic foods have any benefit, these environmentalists lobbied to stop african nations from accepting genetically modified grain. Sadly, many of the African nations chose to accept the word of hippies over a Nobel Prize winning scientist who saved more lives than Ghandi, Winston Churchill, and Penicillin combined. Saving lives is manly, allowing starvation to further an agenda isn't girly, it's just inhuman.

There's no funny picture to post here. We really do find this outrageous and unconscionable.
Borlaug's wiki entry can be found here. Next subject.


Big Oil

Verdict:



Girly

$11.3 Billion in profits in a single quarter for Exxon Mobile while their customers go broke in record numbers? I don't have a problem with companies making a profit, but only if they do it fairly. There's just too much that stinks about the way this has all gone down. The only upside is that the car companies who were the oil companies' willing servants and apologists for so long have now been left holding the bag. American auto sales are now somewhere between "dismal" and "dreadful." Meanwhile, fuel efficient foreign cars are experiencing record sales and Toyota can't make more ugly hippie-mobile Prius's fast enough. Some might call this Karma's cruel revenge for the way American car companies killed the electric car and dragged their hills on hybrid cars (P.S. American hybrids are still a joke). Rigging the market to line your pockets: not manly.


Looking for hidden subtext in Wall-E

Verdict:



Girly.

Wall-E is a much beloved film and represents Pixar's latest genius effort. However, some with far too much time on their hands and no qualms about testing the limits of free speech and logic, have decided that there are evil, hidden messages in Wall-E. Apparently, it represents some anti-corporate, anti-fat people agenda. Since America is apparently synonymous with large corporations and morbidly obese people, this film has been perceived as some to be almost anti-american. We're not really sure how, but if you shop at your local thrift store instead of the mall and mix in a salad and some jogging once in a while then the terrorists have won. If you are interested in this controvery and would like to know more, the avclub has posted an article on the whole thing here, just remember to surrender your man after you visit the link.


That post is in the books. Please post your thoughts and comments, we love feedback. Remember that getting offended is girly.