Manly vs. Girly

Here at Simsisms, we do not see things as good or bad. We see things in terms of their manliness. Here is our view of recent events, people, and other things that have caught our attention and our evaluation of their manliness.

Cycling in Utah Valley.

Verdict:



Manly

Sure, cyclists are generally manorexically thin, spandex wearing, body-shaving psychos, but they are also tough. Is there a a manlier man alive than Lance Armstrong? That man stared cancer in the face, laughed in its face and generally gave it the finger. After treating death like it was his undersized cellmate on its first night in prison, what did he do for an encore? He won the world's toughest freaking race and most painful sporting event. Seven. Freaking. Times. Don't ever say that cyclists aren't manly.

Utah Valley is a great place to enjoy cycling, and my friend Travis happens to run a blog dedicated to increasing awareness of cycling in Utah Valley. I encourage everyone to visit his website, and please post on his blog. If you live in Utah Valley and have an interest in cycling, or are just looking for a good way to stay in shape, Trav is the man to get in touch with. Travis holds an honorary doctorate from the Simsisms institute of manliness. Not only is Travis a marathoner, half-ironmanner, baseball champion, and cycling race winner, but Simsisms has seen him undergo shoulder surgery, and a marriage all in the same week. He raced in the Wasatch Back in spite of knee injury, and then rumor has it, urinated a steady stream of pure testosterone for 15 straight minutes as his body could no longer contain his manliness. Be manly. Visit bikeuv.org

Blowing out your second ACL.

Verdict:



Girly.

Here at Simsims.com, we love our little bro Danny. Of all our younger siblings, he is our definite favorite. Generally, Danny is a manly guy. He plays sports, chases girls, and avoids eyebrow waxing at all costs. This past winter he blew out an ACL in a soccer oriented display of manliness. No pictures exist of this event, but we're pretty sure it looked something like this:



Only on a soccer field.


Here is a picture of Danny at Christmas, recovering from proving his manliness.



Recently, Danny, tore his second ACL. One ACL: Manly. Two ACL's in a year: Trying too hard to take attention off of your cool older Brother, Brad. Distracting from the awesomeness of Brad is a girly thing to do Danny. Get well soon so we can concentrate on how cool and manly Brad is.

in fairness, here is a rough Simsisms reconstruction of what Brad looked like after his last soccer game.




Norman Borlaug

Verdict




Very Manly.

What's that? You have no idea who Norman Borlaug is? Sit back and let Simsisms.com educate you. Norman Borlaug is a microbiologist. What's manly about microbiology? Plenty. Borlaug spent the 40's and 50's in Mexico pioneering different strains of wheat crops in order to increase food production. Not satisfied with helping to stem the tide of starvation in Mexico, he hopped a plane to India in the 60's. While you or your parents were tuning in and dropping out, Borlaug was helping to dramatically increase grain production in Asia. While there he managed to reduce the impact of a famine, proving that he was manlier than Mother Nature, that butch old hag. In 1970 he was awarded the Nobel Prize. Since there is no official Nobel Prize for manliness, they opted to give him the Nobel Peace Prize instead. The Nobel Committee estimated that by 1970 his efforts had managed to save roughly one BILLION lives. That's right, billion. What have you done with your life? Saved a billion people...? What's that? Oh, you haven't saved jack squat? Well then stand up and salute Norman Borlaug, Real Man.



Most people, after saving a billion lives and winning a Nobel Prize, would call it a day. Not Norman Borlaug. Borlaug has continued to find new and better ways to feed the world. He's been a leader in expanding genetically modified food. He probably could have saved another billion lives were it not for the evil environmental gestapo. When he tried to convince African nations to use genetically modified foods to stop starvation, the environmentalists went to work launching a campaign of misinformation and outright lies to stop him. You may have heard these lies, often spouted by hippies and "herbal americans," generally while they are encouraging you to eat so-called "organic foods." In spite of the fact that there is zero evidence to show that genetically modified foods pose any health risk, and zero evidence to support that so-called organic foods have any benefit, these environmentalists lobbied to stop african nations from accepting genetically modified grain. Sadly, many of the African nations chose to accept the word of hippies over a Nobel Prize winning scientist who saved more lives than Ghandi, Winston Churchill, and Penicillin combined. Saving lives is manly, allowing starvation to further an agenda isn't girly, it's just inhuman.

There's no funny picture to post here. We really do find this outrageous and unconscionable.
Borlaug's wiki entry can be found here. Next subject.


Big Oil

Verdict:



Girly

$11.3 Billion in profits in a single quarter for Exxon Mobile while their customers go broke in record numbers? I don't have a problem with companies making a profit, but only if they do it fairly. There's just too much that stinks about the way this has all gone down. The only upside is that the car companies who were the oil companies' willing servants and apologists for so long have now been left holding the bag. American auto sales are now somewhere between "dismal" and "dreadful." Meanwhile, fuel efficient foreign cars are experiencing record sales and Toyota can't make more ugly hippie-mobile Prius's fast enough. Some might call this Karma's cruel revenge for the way American car companies killed the electric car and dragged their hills on hybrid cars (P.S. American hybrids are still a joke). Rigging the market to line your pockets: not manly.


Looking for hidden subtext in Wall-E

Verdict:



Girly.

Wall-E is a much beloved film and represents Pixar's latest genius effort. However, some with far too much time on their hands and no qualms about testing the limits of free speech and logic, have decided that there are evil, hidden messages in Wall-E. Apparently, it represents some anti-corporate, anti-fat people agenda. Since America is apparently synonymous with large corporations and morbidly obese people, this film has been perceived as some to be almost anti-american. We're not really sure how, but if you shop at your local thrift store instead of the mall and mix in a salad and some jogging once in a while then the terrorists have won. If you are interested in this controvery and would like to know more, the avclub has posted an article on the whole thing here, just remember to surrender your man after you visit the link.


That post is in the books. Please post your thoughts and comments, we love feedback. Remember that getting offended is girly.

Great Americans

Here at Simsisms, we believe in the democratic process. We celebrate those who use the process, and we believe that those people are patriots. David Thompson is one such patriot. David Thompson, you are a great American.

Villain of the Day

I haven't posted a lot during the week lately, but I'm so mad about this, I couldn't help myself.

Today's villain:



Big Oil

Apparently, big oil has decided that $4 a gallon gasoline was a bad idea simply because people couldn't afford it. Nevermind all of the hardworking, decent, bankruptcy attorneys who were counting on that $4 gas to keep bankruptcy levels high. Nevermind the bankruptcy law clerks who have a newly certified Altima to pay for. No, big oil, in its heartless depravity just cast these people aside and decided to lower prices and charge less for oil simply because $4 gas meant people "couldn't afford it." Some of these greedy, moustache twirling oil fat cats are even predicting gas might go as low as $3.50 a gallon by Labor Day! $3.50?!? What are bankruptcy workers supposed to do if people can actually afford the things they buy? What did I ever do to you Exxon-Mobile? Did I ever lay a gigantic steamer on your life? Why must you lay one on mine? Oil companies lowering gas prices is the economic equivalent of the Joker's "Magic Trick." Well guess what, big oil. That pencil was my hopes and dreams, and you are making it disappear. Nice Trick! Hang your head in shame.

Full story here.

Things

Here at simsisms, we occasionally like to riff on things tat come to mind. So, here is our latest evaluation of things.

Things that rock and are cool.

1) John Mayer's cover of "Free Falling


If this song doesn't make you want to drop what you're doing and head to Los Angeles than there is something wrong with you. By the way, I'd about sell my soul for a Baja Bud chicken Burrito right now. Los Angeles, it's been too long.

2) Dark Knight, on IMAX.

Everything you've heard is true. This movie absolutely rules. Heath Ledger is every bit as terrifying as you have heard. He creates one of the most convincing and scary psychos ever to appear on screen. He is essentially playing the devil and it is captivating. One thing is for sure, you will never forget the Joker's magic trick.

Equally as good is Aaron Eckhart as the film's tragic hero. His role is less hammy than Ledger's but his performance is every bit as good if not better. Sadly, it will probably be overshadowed by the Joker. Make no mistake, Eckhart is just as good and his fall is just as important to the movie as the mad anarchist terrorizing Gotham.

By the way, if you thought the Joker was terrifying on a normal movie screen, try watching it on IMAX screen. Some of the sequences were shot specifically for IMAX and the visuals are astounding. The audio is intense too. There were times when I thought the bass was going to literally tear the theater apart. See this movie in IMAX if you can.

3) Keane's cover of Dirtylicious. (A little NSFW)


There's nothing like a mellow British band to show how stupid dirty rap songs are.

4) As long as I am dumping covers of great songs, here's the White Stripes 2004 grammy performance. They start with Seven Nation army and finish with a killer cover of "Death Letter" by Son House. I've been a huge Stripes fan ever since I saw this and this clip just gives you a small idea of how awesome the White Stripes are (they are one of the best bands in the world not named the Flaming Lips).



5) http://repairpal.com/

Ever wonder if you ere getting royally screwed on your auto repairs? This site tells you what your auto repairs should be costing you.

6) Blogs

Some friends have recently joined the blogging club, or appeared on the simsisms blogging radar. Here at simsisms we are always flogging things the things we love so we strongly encourage you to check out the following blogs.

Candice's blog: http://candicelynn.blogspot.com/

Sterling's Blog: http://fragmentaryblue.wordpress.com/

Travis' Blog: http://tringger.wordpress.com/

Travis also started a blog dedicated to cycling in Utah Valley. If you are a fan of cycling, check it out. http://bikeuv.org/

7) Great article on why athletes who are paid a fortune often go broke

http://www.briancuban.com/why-athletes-go-broke/

8) Anyone who opposes ethanol.



I can't emphasize this enough, Ethanol is a garbage product. IT IS A SCAM!!! It sickens me that neither presidential candidate is talking seriously about overturning the ethanol mandate to help lower food prices and put more money in your wallet. How is it that in an election where the economy is the central issue, neither candidate seems to have any plan to do anything about the economy. How is it that things that seem very clear to pretty much anyone with a brain (increase the use of natural gas, ditch ethanol, set up a bond fun to save some of the sub-prime mortgage fallout) are not being talked about by the two men who are going to lead this country?

9) Dave Ramsey talking about some of the myths surrounding debt and why it is a better idea to pay off your mortgage than investing the money. (audio only)



10) No discussion of cool things would be complete if we didn't post this clip again.



Apologies for a clip heavy post. Also, thank you all who offered nice comments on last weeks pics. No, I was not showing off, but thanks for suggesting I had a stomach worth showing off, even if it's not true. It provided a much needed ego boost. Ever since I grew the beard girls have quit whistling at me while I run and my confidence has suffered.

That's it for this post; See ya all later.

PS-Still no pics?

Cheers and Jeers

Triathlon training is just not happening. Didn't get in anything but running because of time constraints and general soreness. Managed to pull off 15.5 miles this morning but man, am I tired. I must be getting old. How can I run in the mad Las Vegas heat? I think it's pretty much common knowledge at this point that I am totally insane.

One thing I am not is too skinny. I last weighed in at 155 lbs which is exactly right for my height. I ran the St. George Marathon at 145. While I wouldn't call myself fat, I'm really not that skinny. My body fat % is high and my muscle tone is low. Not only am I not skinny, but my legs are downright bulky. The result of years of running, weightlifting, and a generous contribution from poor genetics. I offer the following photos into evidence. These were taken last week at the rock climbing gym.


Now for this weeks blog, I thought I'd hand out some "Cheers" and some "Jeers" for recent current events and things that have been on my mind.


CHEERS! to Global Warming.



It was 80 degrees when I started run today. In the middle of July. In Las Vegas. If this is global warming, I say, bring it on.


CHEERS! to IndyMac.



I love IndyMac. Love them. This week IndyMac was taken over by the feds, Prompting everyone to wonder, "Why now? Why not 3 years ago?" IndyMac is responsible for who knows how many bad loans and probably helped destabilize the economy. The feds taking over the bank now is kind of like an ambulance showing up to a funeral. So why am I giving them Cheers? Because I can't even count the number of clients we've had because of terrible IndyMac mortgages. If I ever have the money to buy a house, it will be in large part because of the number of clients who lost their houses to IndyMac. Indy can do no wrong in my eyes, so congrats for running your business so poorly that you are now the second biggest bank failure in U.S. history. IndyMac, I heart you.


CHEERS! To Las Vegas Bankruptcy Trustee Yvette Weinstein.



I met Ms. Weinstein for the first time yesterday and she was totally rad. You're all right with me Yvette.


JEERS! To Las Vegas Bankruptcy Trustee William Leonard.



I really needed that file to be dropped off on Friday, but what do you know, Leonard's office is closed on Fridays. Not cool, Biff. Not cool.

CHEERS! to Farmers insurance.



For those who haven't heard, my beloved S-10 is no more. I was miraculously spared from injury, and I do mean miraculously. When last heard from, the other driver as still in the hospital.




Farmer's finally got off its rear end and is giving me enough to pay off the S-10 and hopefully make a down-payment on a new, more fuel-efficient car. The leading contenders right now are an Accord, Altima, or Camry. Really wanted a Mini-Cooper but there's just no way I can afford one. Sadly, IndyMac didn't give out enough bad mortgages. If anybody knows of someone trying to unload a reasonably priced car, let me know.


CHEERS! to the Stock Market.



Dow Jones dipped below 11000 this week. Personally, I'm hoping it dips below 10. It is good to have job security. I think if it gets down to 10000 I can talk my boss into taking us to Disneyland to celebrate. SELL SELL SELL!!!

JEERS! to the Ford Taurus.



My rental while I am between cars is a Ford Taurus. The Ford Taurus is without a doubt the worst car I have ever driven and I hate it. No offense to all of you Taurus drivers out there, but it's not for me.


JEERS! to the iPhone 3G.



By all accounts they released this thing a little too soon. Way to follow the Microsoft example. I still haven't found a phone that would make me willingly sign my soul over for another two year contract. I'll stick with my simple samsung, thank you very much.


CHEERS! to my niece, Emma.



Emma survived her first year of pre-school. You go girl. Don't tell me that this picture of her and the flower isn't the cutest thing you ever saw.



JEERS! to Clients



I love most of our clients, but one or two need to be worked on with pliers and a blowtorch. My least favorite types of clients:

1) Guy who has a six figure income and owes over a hundred thousand dollars and doesn't want to pay a dime. We actually have several variations of this client, and they are instantly recognizable by there high pitched screaming at a lawyer whenever their bankruptcy payments turn out to be anything other than a token repayment.

2) Client who does not understand that they are not rich. Dave Ramsey said it best. "Not everyone can afford to own Real Estate." For some reason, the idea that they cannot declare bankruptcy and still keep expensive houses/cars/jet skis/four-wheelers does not sit well with some people. I'm always amazed at the people who want to declare bankruptcy but not be bankrupt. You can actually keep a surprising amount of things in a bankruptcy, but for some people it just isn't enough. It especially blows my mind when people absolutely refuse to get rid of something they cannot afford. Generally, this thing is a house with a ridiculous mortgage. Even when we run the numbers and show them how the house payments are killing them, how they will never get the money back on the house, there are still a lot of people who would willing take a hammer and pound nails into their eyeballs than give up the house.

3) Girl who wants people to forgive her the tens of thousands of dollars that she owes, but feels no need to be nice to anyone. Oddly enough, this type of client is almost always female. Apparently, the old "catch more flies with honey" saying has not caught on in some circles. It just seems to me that if you want people to overlook your mistakes, a sensible thing would be to try and be nice to the people. I've met one or two people who were so rude and downright intolerable that it is no wonder they are in bankruptcy. If they weren't, it would be hard to believe that any kind of justice existed in the world.


That's all the cheers and jeers for this week. However, I am calling one person out. A certain person who went to South America and stated that he was going to post pictures. He's been back for a while now and still no pictures. I'm starting to think that he didn't really go to South America, but instead went and holed up in some meth lab in Taft. Where's the pictures bro?

That's it til next time.

Heat Wave

Some weeks it just don't pay to get out of bed. My car got smashed up by a lady who ran a red light, I missed my wednesday run, Las Vegas is in a heat wave, and I still work too much for too little. On those weeks where your life sounds like a country music song there's only one thing to do.


That's right, you gotta run 16 miles in the 100 degree weather. It's the only way you will ever feel better.

For those wondering what I did for the 4th of July, I celebrated my patriotism by stimulating the economy. I bought new running shoes. The soreness in my hips Thursday told me that it was time. Of course, it might have also had something to do with having been rammed by an SUV the day before, but this is besides the point. The point is, I hopped over to the Nike outlet and dropped 60 bones on a new pair of trusty Air Max Moto's, the only consistently good running shoe Nike makes for the neutral runner. (Confession, I'm only half neutral. One foot pronates, the other supinates. I figure that these things cancel each other out and make me a neutral runner). I love having the Nike outlet in town. It lets me get all my running necessities at a hefty discount. These shoes retail for $90 so they were a steal.

So I've decided to get myself in shape for a triathlon. I figure since no one out there wants to date me, I'll channel my free time and energy into that. I figure my running gives me a good level of base fitness, I just need to ditch the weights and start swimming. I'm a terrible swimmer, and I think the lifeguards don't know whether to laugh or cry when I'm in the pool. I've been trying to get some swimming in but lap swimming is painfully boring and unlike running where you can kick it with an ipod to distract you from the monotony, in swimming the only distraction is gasping for breath periodically. The bike will probably be the hardest part and I have no idea what I'm going to do for that. 112 miles! I figure I'll set a goal to be iron man ready a year or so from now. If I do the 2009 silverman, I can do an ironman triathlon before I'm thirty and my body starts to fall apart.

BANKRUPTCY BLAWG!

A quick word on things financial. I have a theory that many people who end up in bankruptcy do so because they are unwilling to accept reality or in many cases admit failure. There's nothing wrong with unwillingness to accept reality. I refuse to accept reality all the time, mostly because reality, generally speaking, sucks. I also refuse to admit failure long after failure has become apparent, just ask anyone who has ever been out on a third date with me. However, refusing to look at your financial situation honestly can get you into real trouble. There is NEVER, ever, a good reason to borrow money on your house, or on your 401K. These are not things you should touch. If you have to pull money out of your house or your retirement to support a business venture, it is a pretty good sign that venture is a failure. If you can't support it without dipping into retirement or your house then it is time to walk away. At least you can walk away with a home and a retirement.

Also, looking at the causes of bankruptcy, my own experience has shown me lately that the top causes of bankruptcy are: money lost in housing market, medical problems, and disability problems. Now money lost in housing has all kinds of causes. Mostly it's because people got into a house they couldn't afford, or they could afford until their adjustable rate mortgage kicked in and now they just can't make ends meet. Don't ever incur a debt, especially housing debt, thinking "Oh, I'll just refinance it later." That decision makes about as much sense as making Lindsay Lohan your designated Driver. You are running a tremendous risk on something that is just not dependable.

Medical insurance. Everyone should have it, even if Barrack Obama doesn't force you to buy it. One illness can wipe out a lifetime of savings. Too many people think that nothing bad will ever happen to them and it's just silly. People get sick every day. The ambulance ride alone is more than many people make in a month. Do yourself a favor and get whatever medical insurance you can manage. Even if it is just catastrophic coverage, it beats nothing.

Disability Insurance. Generally, it costs a few bucks a month. It can save your financial life. If you are in an accident and can't work, how are you going to survive? If you are too banged up to work then you are probably too banged up to sell crack on the street corner, so don't even think about that one. I've seen a lot of people who had an accident and their disability coverage wasn't enough to keep them afloat. Make sure you have enough that you and your family will be taken care of if you are injured and cannot work. Most companies offer short term and long term disability and they are extremely cheap and worth every penny of the peace of mind that they can bring.

All right peeps, welcome back to everyone who was in Europe or South America. Congrats to all the recently married, especially those who had their receptions at italian restaurants with excellent food (seriously Sarah, that place was great). Also, congratulations to those who are recently engaged, y'all know who you are. catch you later in the week when I have something interesting to write.