How to Drive in Vegas

How to drive in Vegas.

It’s come to my attention that many who immigrate to Vegas have a hard time adjusting to the unusual traffic customs in town. They are somewhat unusual, so in the interest of public safety I’ve put together some rules that one should abide by while driving in Las Vegas.

1) Drive as close as you possibly can to the car in front of you. Ideally, there should be no space between you and the unfortunate idiot who has the testicular fortitude to drive in the same lane as you. Studies have shown that people who try and drive at the same speed at which traffic flows are dangerous revolutionaries and should be harassed at every turn. You should drive close enough that if this blog were printed in six point font on the bumper of the person in front of you, you would have no trouble reading it.

2) Pedestrians never have the right of way. Go ahead; turn right into them when they are in the crosswalk. They are the lowest form of life on the planet and you shouldn’t feel any worse about hitting them than you would a mosquito. Remember, if God had intended pedestrians to live, he would have bought them a car.

3) Islands and Medians = convenient turn lanes

4) While on the freeway, you should try and drive at least 45 mph under the speed limit. Especially while traveling in the fast lane.

5) Driving in Vegas can be stressful; you should not attempt it unless you have consumed large quantities of whiskey. Try and make sure that your blood alcohol level is at least .25 if driving before 10 a.m. Also, try and keep an open container of alcohol in your car in case you suddenly feel yourself becoming sober. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DRIVE WHILE SOBER. You might not be a danger to yourself and everyone else around you.

6) Always turn into oncoming traffic. If they don’t stop, they must not have wanted to live anyway.

7) Ignore any and all state and federal emissions laws. A delightful cloud of smog should surround your vehicle at all times. If the people behind you can breath, your vehicle is not malfunctioning properly.

8) Your motto while driving in Vegas: DEATH BEFORE YIELDING.

9) Imagine that there are electrodes attached to sensitive regions on your body, and that using your turn signal will activate these electrodes. Don’t signal, ever. Remember, the other cars are the enemy, and you don’t want to give the enemy any hint of what your plans are.

10) You can always make a right turn from the far left lane.

11) Red lights are just suggestions. Again, it is the duty of everyone else on the road to watch out for you and try to anticipate your every driving whim. If anything bad happens, it’s their fault for not doing what you wanted.

12) Always change lanes in the middle of the intersection. Also, try and stop in the middle of the intersection so as to block traffic. You are the most important person on the road. Everyone else should wait for you because their jobs and activities are not as important as yours. It is far more important to get to your destination 3 minutes faster than to drive safely or show concern for human life.