I believe

I believe...

That socks and sandals should not be worn together

That Santa Claus is a pedophile

That Law School grades are randomly assigned

That Rocky V never happened

That you shouldn't wear lifting gloves in the gym unless you can bench 1.5 times your body weight.

That Katie Holmes was blackmailed into a relationship with Tom Cruise, and that I still have a shot with her.

That the second half of Spider Man 3 will suck.

That the Office is funny, but House is funnier.

That Lost is still the best show on TV.

That Jack dies in the season finale.

That the Padres have a shot at the post season even though they have mediocre hitting and no lefties on the pitching staff.

That Curt Schilling's sock did have blood on it.

That Lemony Snickett failed to answer any significant questions with the last book.

That professional golf is 100X more interesting to watch than NASCAR

That anything is worth watching if watching in Hi-Def.

That Hillary Clinton must not be allowed to become President.

There will never be peace with Iran.

That Decker was a replicant.

That Ultimate fighting and MMR will replace Boxing.

That A-Rod will begin a steady implosion in July and August.

That Brady will win another Super Bowl before Peyton Manning.

That Justice Scalia is funnier than Justice Kennedy.

That Ginsburg makes up the law to fit her own beliefs.

That Bono writing a spider man musical is a bad idea.

Harry Potter

First some business. Shout out to my homie Paul, who has turned me on to Ann Coulter quotes. They are so offensive that I can't help but appreciate them, even when they are both wrong and horrible. Plus, anyone who likes Mitt Romney can't be all bad.

Second, there have been requests for my take on the next Harry Potter. As far as the movie goes, I honestly am not all that psyched up about it. The movies are good, but the joy of the books is that they take place in a world that invites the reader to linger and explore. I like that the books are long because I like the world that Harry Lives in and enjoy my time there. The movies are too focused on telling the main plot line in under two hours and twenty minutes. The subplots that make the books so much fun are often left on the cutting room floor. My literary soul mate, Dobby, is essentially absent from most of the films. I like the films, and I will doubtlessly go see them but they're not a priority. Plus, the movies are a little different now that the actor portraying Harry is a porn star and Hermione is smoking hot. No way is she only 17. What is in the food on that movie set.

Now, book 7, on the other hand, I am counting the days. Don't expect any work out of me that week until I've finished reading it twice. I'm so psyched up, that I actually managed to build a time machine and travel to the future to read book 7. I've decided to share some of my impressions about the book. Warning, Contains Potential MAJOR SPOILERS.

Q: Deathly Hallows? WTF?
A: Has to do with the ministry of magic, that's all I'll say.

Q: Does Harry die?
A: Sort of.

Q: Is he alive at the end?
A: Yes.

Q: Does You-know-who die?
A: Yeah

Q: Does Harry kill him?
A: No.

Q: Ron and Hermione?
A: Still kicking.

Q: Ron and Hemione, do they, you know?
A: Married.

Q: Harry and Ginny?
A: Also Married. BTW, Ginny turns out to be very important.

Q: Does Harry go back to Hogwarts?
A: Yes.

Q: Do we get to meet Aberforth Dumbledore?
A: Let's just say that Aberforth, like most people nicknamed Abby, defines the phrase "Bad Mother (expletive)."

Q: Does Neville die?
A: Yep, sorry Neville, we hardly knew thee.

Q: Does Snape die?
A: Yes

Q: Did Dumbledore order Snape to kill him?
A: Affirmative.

Q: Did Dumbledore make the right decision trusting Snape?
A: Dumbledore is rarely wrong.

Q: Lupin, does he die?
A: Yes.

Q: Wormtail?
A: Mucho Dead.

Q: What happens to Draco Malfoy?
A: Draco's actions will surprise you. Turns out he mayhave been worth saving. He's left alive at the end.

Q: Was the ending good? Anti-climactic? More disappointing than a Lemony Snickett novel?
A: Deeply satisfying. All sugar bowls are fully explained, so to speak.

Q: What is the seventh Horcrux?
A: Don't you mean who?

Q: Was it Harry?
A: Nope, someone who has already died.

That's my predictions. I expect everyone else to start making theirs soon. Get Posting!

I swear they said it.

Some of the best quotes out there.

"A zebra does not change its spots." - Al Gore

"We have a lot of kids who don't know what works means. They think work is a four-letter word." --Sen. Hillary Clinton

"My goal is to goad people into saying something that ruins their life." --Don Imus

"Next time you see a good looking guy or girl, just remember - somebody got sick of them."--Don Imus

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --President George W. Bush

"You bet we might have." --Sen. John Kerry, asked if he would have gone to war against Saddam Hussein if he refused to disarm

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --President George W. Bush

"Six imams removed from a US Airways flight from Minneapolis to Phoenix are calling on Muslims to boycott the airline. If only we could get Muslims to boycott all airlines, we could dispense with airport security altogether."--Ann Coulter

"Press passes can't be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the president" --Ann Coulter,

"A couple [of] alleged males attempted to sucker punch a 100-pound woman and missed. And they ended up with their faces smashed in and spending the night in the Pima County Jail, where I'm sure — being good liberals — their views on gay marriage will serve them well."--Ann Coulter, Regarding the two protesters who tried to throw pies at her.

Ripping off the Rage

So I saw this on the Wicked Rage's blog http://thewickedrage.blogspot.com/ and I decided to shamelessly rip it off. Plus, it has come to my attention that there may be one or two people who read this who have only met me once or twice. Shame on you for not leaving comments. Sinners! So, without further ado, here are my answers to the infamous one word quiz, and I would invite everyone else to post one up on their blog as well.

You.Can.Only.Type.One.Word. Not as easy as you might think.

1. Where is your cell phone?
Floor

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Nonexistent

3. Your hair color:
Brown

4. Your mother?:
Mommy!

5. Your father?
Papa!

6. Your favorite thing?:
Joy

7. Your dream last night?:
Church

8. Your favorite drink?:
Water

9. Your dream car?
Silverado

10. The room you are in?
Confining

11. Your ex?:
Forgotten

12. Your fear/phobia?
Commitment

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?:
Happy.

14. Who did you hang out with last night?:
Peeps

15. What you're not?:
Open

16. Muffins?
Bagels.

19. The last thing you did?
Exercised

20. What are you wearing?
PJ's

21. Your tv?
Thief

22. Your pet?
Dead

23. Your computer?
Slow

24. Your life?
Complicated.

25. Your mood?
Complicated

27. What are you thinking about right now?
Girls.

28. Your car?:
Payment.

29. Your work?:
Legal

30. Your summer?
Short

31. Your relationship status?:
Available

32. Your favorite color:
Black

33. When is the last time you laughed?:
Noonish.

34. When was the last time you cried?
2006.

35. School?:
Sucks.

There, and that's two blog updates in two days. So all y'all who aren't updating need to get cracking.

Accept it

The Following is a list of things that we should just all accept. There is no room for dispute on these issues, they are facts and the sooner society accepts it, the better off we all are.

1) The Rutgers Women's basketball team are a nappy headed bunch of Hoes. Their attitude to the whole Imus situation just proves it. They could have said, "We were flattered to be insulted by such a well-known crotchety old windbag" and that would have been the end of it, but no, they had to act offended and hurt. Guess what girls, athletes get insulted. All the time. It goes with the territory. Don't whine about how women's sports aren't taken seriously and then cry when you are treated like other athletes. You should be thanking Don Imus, because no one had ever heard of your team before, and now you are getting a mountain of free publicity.

P.S. The joke was also funny.

P.P.S. The media are such hypocrites. I hope Imus signs with Fox or Sirius and makes a ton of money. The man runs a ranch for CHILDREN WHO ARE DYING OF CANCER. Doesn't that earn the man a little slack?

2) Al Sharpton is a horrible human being who quit representing the African American community a long time ago. He represents only himself and would throw his own mother under a bus if he thought he could benefit from it. The man has incited race riots for his own benefit and people are dead because of him. What does it take for this guy to lose credibility? Don't even get me started on what he said about the Duke Lacrosse team.

3) Speaking of which, can we agree to learn from the Duke debacle and try and actually treat people like they might be innocent until they are actually proven guilty? Can we also learn that sometimes people lie about having been victimized, and we should remain skeptical of all accusations until ALL the evidence is in. I know people hate to hear this, but the cornerstone of the legal system is the idea that it is better for 10 guilty men to go free, than for one innocent man to go to jail.

4) Rocky Balboa is just a great freaking movie and if you didn't tear up at some point in the movie, well, then elves have covertly entered your room at might, removed your heart, and replaced it with a stone. I may like it better than Rocky 4, but I'm undecided. And if Stallone used HGH, well crap, pass me Barry Bonds' leftover needles cause Sly is 60 and he's freaking ripped.

5) The true pioneers of music in the 90's were not Nirvana, Green Day, or even Pearl Jam, but Milli Vanilli. They didn't write their own music or perform their own vocals, much like most of the artists you see on MTV today.

6) This season of Lost has been hit and miss. Paolo and Nikki were the island equivalent of nipples on the batsuit. Horribly integrated and ill-conceived from the get go. It feels like finally, 14 episodes into the season stuff is finally starting to happen. I love what they've done with Locke, and Juliet is frightening, pathetic, and beautiful, all at the same time.

7) There is no way the Padres make the playoffs as anything higher than a wildcard. Yes, I believe that they can make the wildcard with no hitting and with David Wells as the only lefty on their pitching staff. I also believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny now leave me alone.

8) Bono has gotten lazy. I'm sorry, I like Window In the Skies, but Bono tried to use the word "Rhapsodize." Are you freaking kidding me? That's not a word, Bono. You are the biggest star in rock and roll and you couldn't come up with a better word than that? You make a gazillion dollars a year, spring for a better rhyming dictionary.

9) Avril Lavigne is not good music. I don't know who's buying her albums, but stop it, it's just not funny any more. It's not funny to keep encouraging her. Memo to Canada: You used up your allotment of Rock and Roll Mojo with Rush, so stop trying.

10) There's no way the cheerleader on Heroes is 16. It's just not possible. Kelly Kapowski thinks she's lying.

That's it kids, finals are fast approaching but I hope to still update. Peace.

How to Drive in Vegas

How to drive in Vegas.

It’s come to my attention that many who immigrate to Vegas have a hard time adjusting to the unusual traffic customs in town. They are somewhat unusual, so in the interest of public safety I’ve put together some rules that one should abide by while driving in Las Vegas.

1) Drive as close as you possibly can to the car in front of you. Ideally, there should be no space between you and the unfortunate idiot who has the testicular fortitude to drive in the same lane as you. Studies have shown that people who try and drive at the same speed at which traffic flows are dangerous revolutionaries and should be harassed at every turn. You should drive close enough that if this blog were printed in six point font on the bumper of the person in front of you, you would have no trouble reading it.

2) Pedestrians never have the right of way. Go ahead; turn right into them when they are in the crosswalk. They are the lowest form of life on the planet and you shouldn’t feel any worse about hitting them than you would a mosquito. Remember, if God had intended pedestrians to live, he would have bought them a car.

3) Islands and Medians = convenient turn lanes

4) While on the freeway, you should try and drive at least 45 mph under the speed limit. Especially while traveling in the fast lane.

5) Driving in Vegas can be stressful; you should not attempt it unless you have consumed large quantities of whiskey. Try and make sure that your blood alcohol level is at least .25 if driving before 10 a.m. Also, try and keep an open container of alcohol in your car in case you suddenly feel yourself becoming sober. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DRIVE WHILE SOBER. You might not be a danger to yourself and everyone else around you.

6) Always turn into oncoming traffic. If they don’t stop, they must not have wanted to live anyway.

7) Ignore any and all state and federal emissions laws. A delightful cloud of smog should surround your vehicle at all times. If the people behind you can breath, your vehicle is not malfunctioning properly.

8) Your motto while driving in Vegas: DEATH BEFORE YIELDING.

9) Imagine that there are electrodes attached to sensitive regions on your body, and that using your turn signal will activate these electrodes. Don’t signal, ever. Remember, the other cars are the enemy, and you don’t want to give the enemy any hint of what your plans are.

10) You can always make a right turn from the far left lane.

11) Red lights are just suggestions. Again, it is the duty of everyone else on the road to watch out for you and try to anticipate your every driving whim. If anything bad happens, it’s their fault for not doing what you wanted.

12) Always change lanes in the middle of the intersection. Also, try and stop in the middle of the intersection so as to block traffic. You are the most important person on the road. Everyone else should wait for you because their jobs and activities are not as important as yours. It is far more important to get to your destination 3 minutes faster than to drive safely or show concern for human life.

The best stuff on the internets.

I thought that for my post today I might analyze the communist subtext of the classic cartoon show, "The Smurfs." Papa Smurf bore more than a passing resemblance to Karl Marx, the smurfs have all goods in common, never sell anything, and everyone benefits equally from everyone else's work. Their enemy is an evil capitalist who tries to exploit the worker smurfs by turning them into gold and making himself rich.

However, it occurred to me that this interpretation of the Smurfs is probably even more obvious and well known than Goofy being the embodiment of Nietzsche's ubermensch, and everyone knows that one.

Instead, I've just decided to post some links to important websites. Maybe you have heard of some of them, maybe you haven't. I really don't care because they are awesome. If they were a type of pie, they would be banana cream because that is the most awesome kind of pie there is.



http://realultimatepower.net/

The guys at real ultimate power really get it. They truly understand the essence of what life is and the connection between love and fear. Props gentlemen. Also, do yourself a favor and watch the movies.


http://www.freakonomics.com/blog/

It's no secret that I love the book, Freakonomics, and these guys consistently have one of the most interesting blogs on the internet. Always worthwhile and updated daily.


http://mentalfloss.com/

If you don't read mental floss, it's probably because you suck and are the human equivalent of nipples on the batsuit. Do yourself a favor and cruise the site.


http://www.ken-jennings.com/blog/

The man won zillions of dollars on Jeopardy and managed to put up with that smarmy, yet oddly endearing Alex Trebek for months on end. Plus he is friends with my brother. They are both geniuses and when they get together I have a feeling they make jokes about quantum physics, but the dude's blog is always good.


http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=fact&person=chuck

Everyone has seen the Chuck Norris Random Fact Generator, but I include it because at the start of every summer, Chuck Norris begins practicing his roundhouse kicks outside. We know this as hurricane season.


http://www.tvsquad.com/bloggers/wil-wheaton

Most geeks remember Wil Weaton as the insufferable brat who brought Star Trek the Next Generation down for years. He now blogs about past TNG episodes and reminisces about being loathed by nerds everywhere. It's actually surprisingly funny.


http://notabug.com/kozinski/

Judge Kozinski is widely regarded as a terrible person to work for, and I have to admire that. His writings and speeches are required reading for anyone who harbors even the faintest traces of Libertarian thought.


http://askaninja.com/blades

If I have one complaint about the internets, its that there aren't enough links about ninjas. If I have two complaints about the internets, it's that there aren't enough links about ninjas interviewing Will Ferrell.


http://ericdsnider.com/

Eric Rules. His movie reviews are generally dead on and I find myself unable to argue with the cogent logic expressed in his columns. Except when he tries to argue that Margret Mitchell was trying to make the same points in fiction that Michael Oakeshott was trying to make in his non-fictional writings on Jurisprudence. The very idea!


http://andrewwk.com/

Our last link is from a band that I've been hyping for years. If you are not into Andrew W.K. then you are depleting the earth's supply of oxygen and offering nothing in return. Andrew is destined to save rock and roll with his complex melodies, his intricate harmonies, and deep and introspective lyrics. Keep clicking on the slide show at the beginning until you enter the site, then go watch the music videos. My favorite is Party Hard. A soulful meditation on the demands of a proletariat man as he struggles to come to terms with the dueling forces of desire and fate.

That's all for now peeps. I'll update again soon.