Some people have mocked the new administration. It's too idealistic, too focused on change, they say. I, on the other hand, have become inspired. It's time we right what's wrong. It's time that we make changes happen. That is why I am volunteering to serve as the Music Czar for the Obama administration. Can we fix the dismal state of music in America? Yes we can.
Here's my platform as Music Czar.
1) MTV will be ordered to go back to playing nothing but music videos. It will not be allowed to interrupt the music for ridiculous viewer comments or clutter the screen with a news crawl. MTV will also be required to show the video for "The Superbowl Shuffle" at least once a day between the hours of 8 am -7pm Eastern Standard Time. The Creators of The Real World and Road Rules will be jailed for crimes against humanity.
2) Yoko Ono and Courtney Love will both have their citizenship revoked immediately.
3) Your best friend who keeps insisting that you should listen to more Sigur Ros will be subject to prosecution for being a Poser.
4) CD's will no longer be produced as no one buys them. Those resources will be reallocated to producing Vinyl Albums so that people who want music that sounds fresh and alive can finally find it.
5) The Format will be required to get back together.
6) Resources will be diverted from middle east peace talks and channeled into brokering a peace agreement between Roger Waters and David Gilmour so that Pink Floyd can finally do a reunion tour.
7) The RIAA will have to be reparations to everyone it sued for illegal downloading while screwing musicians out of money and jacking up CD prices.
8) The government will subsidize the purchase of Bon Iver songs.
9) Hip Hop artists will be prohibited from performing in khaki's and/or argyle sweaters. I don't know when this trend started, but it needs to stop. I'm looking at you Kanye West.
10) Country Music singers will no longer be allowed to do songs about the beach. It's country music; it should be about the country.
11) The FBI will investigate the Biggie and Tupac murders. This country needs closure!
12) Any top ten guitarists list will be required to feature Lindsay Buckingham. Can we finally get a musical genius some much deserved recognition? Yes we can!
13) Metallica will have to pay a settlement to be divided equally among its fans, proportional to the amount of money each fan spent on concerts and CD's.
14) Seven string guitars will be banned.
15) A law will be passed mandating that all lyrics must be decipherable.
16) Otherwise ood bands will not be allowed to sell out and allow their music to be used in Teeny Bopper Vampire movies. Can we restore Iron and Wine's indie cred? Yes we can!
17) Lip Synching in concerts and live TV performances will be punishable by fine or imprisonment.
18) Any artist who shows up to concert drunk or stoned must offer a refund to ticket buyers. An exception will be created for Willie Nelson.
If you can think of any urgent music reforms that I missed, feel free to post them in the comments section. Together, we can save the music.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Music Czar
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4 comments:
A very whole-hearted agreement from this poser. (Politicchick's boyfriend, by the way) I've been stalking your blog for a while now—good stuff all around.
So, would it be too much to ask for a law requiring the correct use of ID3 tags for anyone with a music blog or free sample?
The ban on Hip Hop artists should go farther. We should just ban them all-there is no use for them.
Also, as a good friend pointed out: Country Music Television is best viewed on mute. Maybe that could just be the permanent viewing option - no sound, especially if they are going to sing about the beach.
oh brad. i stumbled across your blog while i was mindlessly surfing blogs and realized that you are a format lover as well. You need to know that there is a spinoff I'm not sure how good they will be but they have the same lead singer. I guess they are called fun? So enjoy.
First: Bob the Builder should demand that both you and Obama be taken to court for flagrant use of his catchphrase.
Second: I hope that Sigur Ros comment was not directed at me.
Third: Vinyl, Brad? Come on... why don't you get a tattoo that says 'hipster'? We would all forgive you more easily if you were honest with yourself and others about this latent obsession with vinyl.
Fourth: Iron and Wine is so close to being Dead To Me.
Fifth: Laws to support and promote the proper usage of banjos in any and all genres of music. What an underappreciated instrument.
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