Universal Rapture Coverage.

Like most Americans, I spend a lot of time worrying about the rapture. For those of you heathens who don't know, the rapture is when God returns to earth and takes the believers with him to heaven, leaving all the unbelievers behind to fight amongst themselves, at least if the Kirk Cameron movies are to be believed.

Now, while not an evangelical, I do consider myself a Christian. I think I live a pretty good life. I don't commit any major sins, I don't drink or smoke, I read my scriptures daily, and I only jaywalk in emergency situations. However, according to Born-Again Christianity, I'm still probably not good enough to get taken up at the rapture. Apparently, God is not down with Mormons. I'm told by my Evangelical Christian friends that He hates Mormons even more than Muslims, Catholics, and Gays. So, I find myself worrying about what will happen to me during the rapture. Even though the rapture is never actually mentioned in the Bible, a lot of people seem convinced of its truthfulness. If we've learned anything from the last couple of years, it's that beliefs held by large groups of Americans are never wrong. Many people believed that there were weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, and we are still finding piles of WMD's daily. Many people believed that real-estate values would continue to skyrocket, and housing prices continue to skyrocket and real-estate demand is still at an all-time high. Likewise, since so many people believe in the rapture, I'm convinced that it will occur.

This leaves me with a significant problem. What if I get "left behind?" No one can predict exactly what will become of those unbelievers left behind at His coming, but since those left behind will all be sinners, it's a pretty safe bet that it won't be pretty. Knowing this, I've been looking around trying to find some way to hedge against the coming post-rapture disaster. I'm talking, of course, about rapture insurance.

Think about it. After the rapture, society is going to pretty much be on its way out. You are going to need coverage so you can stockpile the provisions and ammunition you need to last as long as you can until the inevitable sinner-zombie apocalypse sends you to the fiery pit of despair where you cannot find relief. And, even if you are taken up, what's going to happen to your loved ones who are sinners? Would you really feel good in heaven knowing that your loved ones left behind were not taken care of?

I've cruised the internets searching for rapture insurance, but the results are very discouraging. Of the major insurance carriers, NONE of them carry rapture insurance. How did this oversight occur? Blue Cross informs me that my policy will cover any injuries I sustain in the rapture, provided that they are not the result of a pre-existing condition. However, if one is left behind in the rapture, it will be because of unbelief prior to the rapture which is by definition a pre-existing condition and any injuries one suffers in the rapture will not be covered. My renter's insurance and car insurance do not offer rapture coverage, and are totally useless because they don't cover "acts of God." What do you think the rapture is people!?!

There are groups on the internets of fundamentalist Christians that offer rapture insurance, but it can be costly and many people refuse to buy this specialized rapture insurance. People think that it is too expensive, or that they somehow don't need it. They either don't believe in the rapture or think that they are good Christians and they are spiritually healthy enough that they will not need rapture insurance. Sure, today you might be in good spiritual condition, but you never know what the future will hold. You could find yourself in the midst of an existential crisis and while suffering from unbelief the rapture could hit without warning and you would be left behind and you would have NO INSURANCE COVERAGE. Also, just because you don't believe in the rapture doesn't mean it won't happen. People who believe that organic food is healthy still get cancer, Christian Scientists still get sick in spite of not believing in medicine, Scientologists still are crazy as loons in spite of not believing in psychiatry.

What will happen to the people who don't purchase rapture insurance? It is likely that those people will become a burden on society. We will collectively have to bear the burden of our co-sinners foolishness. They will become a drain on the public as we are all faced to pay for them through higher rapture insurance premiums and taxes to take care of them when they fall on public assistance. All of this could be avoided however, if everyone would simply purchase rapture insurance themselves.

The costs and risks associated with the rapture are simply too great to let people chart their own course on this. If we continue to allow people to choose whether or not to purchase rapture insurance, many will inevitably make the wrong and foolish choice of going without. People will continue to live in denial and rely on the myth of their own invincibility so that they can have a few extra dollars a month. Money that they will probably spend on sinning anyway. I propose that we make a law requiring everyone to purchase rapture insurance. Employers should be required to offer it to their employees or face fines. Individuals must purchase rapture insurance or they will face similar fines.

Now, you make think, what is to happen to all of the people who cannot afford to pay for rapture insurance? It is true that there are many who would willingly purchase rapture insurance if they could afford it, however they lack the funds to do so. To take care of these people, I propose we create a public option rapture insurance. We can fund this public option by taxing the rapture insurance of those who can afford their own policies. This way, we can assure that everyone is covered in the event of a rapture. At least those who are left behind by God, will not be left behind by society. This is the only choice we have. It is too important an issue to allow people to think for themselves. We cannot afford to let people fail. We must act decisively and quickly. Every day that passes brings the rapture closer and we must make sure our people are covered. WWJD, people? Write your congressperson today and demand universal rapture coverage.