Stolen from the New York Daily News.
Judge not, lest ye be judged
By Josh Greenman
Friday, May 15th 2009, 4:24 PM
Preliminary Vetting Questionnaire
Associate Justice
Dear potential applicant,
Thank you for your interest in serving the nation on its highest court. President Barack Obama, a former constitutional law professor, considers it his solemn responsibility to select an outstanding jurist who will interpret the Constitution with precision, clarity, integrity and, not least, empathy.
By the way, so does Vice President Joe Biden, who used to have tons of power as chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee and who is constantly whispering in the President's ear (in, don't worry, a grandfatherly way).
Please answer the following questions with candor. All responses will be kept strictly confidential.
Sincerely,
The White House
Qualifications and personal history
Which law school did you attend?
a)Yale Law School
b)Harvard Law School
c)University of Chicago Law School
d)Columbia Law School
e)NYU Law School
f)Another school, but I mumble its name at cocktail parties.
In how many federal cases have you ruled?
a)500 or more
b)200 to 499
c)fewer than 199
d)None. I'm your wife, Barack.
Complete the following sentence: When I am overruled, I feel:
a)Unshaken. I am confident in my rulings, which I think through exhaustively before I make them.
b)Sullen. I look back at my decision and wonder if my reasoning was flawed.
c)Vengeful. I am the law!
Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Federalist Society?
Have you ever lied under oath in a sexual harassment deposition, or are you married to someone who did?
Diversity
Latinos or latinos only: How important is your heritage to you?
a)I will not respond to questions asked in English, solamente en espanol.
b)Very important. My ethnic identity and my familiarity with the immigrant experience have profoundly shaped who I am today, including my legal sensibility.
c)Important but not defining. My legal analysis comes from my training, thinking and writing, not my background.
d)Central. I only use the surname "Richardson" because my father had an Anglo name; I assure you, my mother is Mexican.
Gay, Hispanic, Jewish women only: What do you call yourself?
a)A gay woman Latina Jew
b)A female, Jewish homosexual Latina
c)A Jewish, gay woman of color
White male Catholics only: In the right light, do you look maybe a little Asian?
a)Yes
b)No
c)My father's father's family traces back to South Asia, first century B.C. A mail-away DNA test is pending.
Judicial philosophy
Complete the following sentence. The Constitution:
a)is meant to be strictly interpreted, in accordance with original intent and with respect for precedent.
b)is a living, breathing document that must adapt as our nation and culture evolve.
c)gives me a headache.
Habeas corpus should apply:
a)any time a prisoner of any kind is held anywhere in U.S. custody.
b)in most cases, with special exceptions for nonstate actors who are waging a long-term war against the United States, and who are not being detained on U.S. soil.
c)this is hard.
d)shut up and let me think!
The Second Amendment protects the right to bear arms:
a)only for well-regulated militias.
b)for hunters and sportsmen.
c)for all American citizens.
d)for people who look really cool carrying and know how to hold the gun sideways when they shoot it.
What is your approach to stare decisis?
a)I will consider each case before me on a case-by-case basis, consistent with a careful reading of legal precedent, the applicable statute and the Constitution.
b)I *wink wink* will consider each case before me on a case-by-case basis, consistent with a careful reading of *cough* legal precedent, the applicable statute and *fidget* the Constitution.
How long are you comfortable having the U.S. judicial system hold detainees without trial?
a)However long is necessary, until the war against terrorism ends.
b)A year or two, provided they have access to a nice couch.
c)No more than 90 days.
d)I prefer a very brief detention followed by a swift kangaroo court.
Complete the following sentence: Footnotes _________.
a)kick precedential ass.
b)complicate legal reasoning and risk alienating lay people.
c)are necessary1 with a few exceptions2 made unavoidable by the state of contemporary jurisprudence3\.
Empathy
Given a case between an evil multinational corporation and a poor, hardworking family, with whom would you empathize?
a)What do you mean by evil?
b)How is it relevant that the family is poor or hardworking?
c)What are the facts of this case?
d)What did the little girl name the puppy?
I could easily walk a mile in the shoes of:
a)a baby poisoned by industrial pollution.
b)a wheelchair-bound man denied a promotion on the basis of his disability.
c)an endangered species of whale being haunted by the sounds of U.S. Navy drills.
d)trick question. None of them walk in shoes.
If you see a poor minority child huddled in the corner, I would,
a)point.
b)walk by.
c)buy him a nice hot meal and ask him what happened to his parents.
d)adopt him and name him Barack.
Complete the following sentence. Of the final three "American Idol" contestants, I was rooting for:
a)Danny Gokey, because that poor thing lost his wife.
b)Kris Allen, because he's just so dreamy.
c)Adam Lambert, because he's just so edgy.
d)Frankly, I'm disappointed that they're all white males.
Temperament
When you saw Justice David Souter emerge as a liberal, despite being appointed by George H. W. Bush to be a reliable conservative vote, how did you react?
a)I was thrilled; independence and unpredictability should be a hallmark of the Supreme Court appointments.
b)I was horrified. A President should know what to expect when he nominates a judge.
c)Don't worry, we're cool.
Favorite TV judge of all time:
a)Judge Wapner, because he don't take no guff.
b)Judge Judy, because she don't take no guff.
c)Judge Joe Brown, because he don't take no guff.
d)Judge Marilyn Milian, because she occasionally takes some guff.
Associate Justices Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Anthony Kennedy and Samuel Alito are Catholic, as is Chief Justice John Roberts. Do you work well with Catholics?
a)Catholics are some of my favorite jurists.
b)Catholics can be a little doctrinaire.
c)Catholics, don't get me started.
d)Is the Pope Catholic? Seriously, I'm not joking, is he?
If challenged on your legal reasoning by a hostile Southern senator, I will:
a)smile and reply to the best of my ability.
b)punch back, rhetorically.
c)punch back, physically.
d)parrot back the question in a high-pitched whine.
Essay question: How bad do you want it?
