Review and Comment on the News (Illustrated)

For the week of April 6-April 12, 2009. Here is my review and comment on a few of the newsworthy events of the past week. Prepare to have your mind blown to pieces by the sweet embrace of truth.

Issue #1

PIRATES!

Somalia is one happening place. The somali's dig the retro trend in a big way and over the past week they've been partying like it's 1599. Somali Pirates have apparently made the genius move of attacking american ships, and are now holding an american sea captian hostage.

While most people tend to think of pirates as romantic figures of the pre colonial era, they in fact have continued on pillaging and plundering up through modern times. In fact, pirates have recently enjoyed a dramatic resurgence in popularity due to scarce law enforcement along the coasts of poorer nations, and throught the propagandist efforts of the Disney Corporation.

Perhaps we would have realized that pirates were not the cute, cuddly figures of mythic lore if we'd studied actual history and learned about all the raping and murdering, or maybe we should have figured out that pirates were lame when the second two movies sucked like a hoover vacuum cleaner (seriously, the witch was a 90 foot tall sea monster? was that plotline even necessary? Keira Knightly is a pirate king? Orlando Bloom is straight? I'm sorry, but suspension of belief only goes so far).

This entire subplot made no sense. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here!

Anyway, we've now discovered that pirates are not our friends, and they are, in fact, very bad. Once again, we've been misled by the liberal, elitist media, which would have you belive that pirates looked like this:

When they really look like this:

Way to really go after those facts, big media! The Pirates are now apparently back on their ship, holding the captain of the American vessel as a hostage. To the captain's credit, he staged a nearly successful escape from his captors. He was caught swimming away and dragged back, but darnit, at least the dude fought off a bunch of scummy pirates first. The news outlets have not released the name of this incredibly bada** captain, put according to our artists he looks something like this:

Here at simsisms we would like to express our confidence that the captain will escape the somali pirates and discover what lies in the shadow of the statue. He's that good. As for the pirates, they are not exactly well trained, fast running out of food and water, and they have run out of fuel for their ship. By the way, they're also surrounded by a pissed of american navy. We don't really give these guys much of a chance. In fact, we've put our best scientists to work coming up with what it would take to get the Pirates out of this jam:

Sorry guys, I'm guessing you don't have one of these aboard the ship. Rest in Peace.

Issue #2

Michelle Obama grows disgusting food

Pop Quiz time boys and girls. This quiz is one question long, and here it is. Who do you trust to tell you if food is safe to eat:

a) Scientists

or


b) Hippies

Now hold on, before you make your choice, I want you to consider some things. Remember that science gave us this guy:

Whereas hippies gave us this guy:

Hold on, there's more. Greatest accomplishment of science?

That's right, they put a man on the freaking moon. Greatest accomplishment of Hippies?

So, once again, who's judgement would you trust more, Scientists or hippies? If you picked the first choice, you are not Michelle Obama.

It's no secret that we here at simsisms oppose the organic food movement on the grounds that it is stupid. It's worse than stupid, because its advocates have discouraged famine nations from accepting genetically modified food as well as other food assistance because the evil bogeyman of "harmful toxins" could cause health problems or (gasp) damage the environment. Interestingly enough, you know the most frequent cause of death among people who have no food? That's right, it's STARVATION. Let's do the math on this: food treated with manmade pesticides = no scientificly proven danger. Organic foods which cannot be grown in sufficient supply to feed enough people = many people die of starvation.

So, this week, Michelle Obama announced her plans to plant a garden of organic food to meet the vegetable needs of the White House. Look, she even took kids on a tour through the garden.

Don't lie. That's pretty freaking cute and cuddly. No wonder Opera loves her.

We see nothing wrong with planting a garden, we just object to the brainwashing pro-organic speech that she gave afterwords. I hate to keep harping on this but I can't understand why an obviously educated and intelligent person would put stock in the whole organic food nonsense that science tells us is bunk. The same people who will beat you over the head with "science"whenever Darwin or Global Warming are mentioned seem to casually disregard actual science when it comes to things like so called "organic food." Again, we wouldn't have a problem with this if it didn't help further the radical agenda of a militant group of extremists who are content to let whole nations starve rather than take science's word that really, seriously, the food is safe. Make up your mind people, either you believe science or you don't.

Issue #3

Obama bows to the Saudis

This is one of those rare issues where we get to take both the left and right to task for being stupid. Earlier this week, Obama met with the Saudi leadership and caused an outrage when he bowed to them. When the people called him out on it, Pres. Obama had the audacity to deny that it had ever happened. Apparently, Pres. Obama did not realize that things that occur at a photo opportunity are often...you know....PHOTOGRAPHED and that there would be both pictures and videotape of him bowing.

Sorry, Mr. President. That is a bow. Nice try though. Way to show people that you are a different kind of politician, one who would never lie and is all about change. Well done.

Now that we've appropriately taken the president to task for being a liar, let's turn this around and ask his opponents, "WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?" I mean, of all the possible criticisms to lob at the guy, you choose THIS? Let's take a quick look at other things that the President has screwed up that you should be harping on instead-

South Korea launches long range missles on Obama's watch- Legitimate Gripe





Iran is still developing nuclear weapons- Legitimate Gripe.




Banks posted record profits with our money- Legitimate Gripe



Campaigning on a platform of ending the war in Iraq and then adding more troops and admitting that Bush was right and that we can't leave until Iraq is stable- Legitimate Gripe.

All of these are legitmate things that Obama dropped the ball on. Bowing to the Saudis just doesn't seem relevant. Especially when you consider what the last guy did when he met with the Saudis.

What's this photoshop I keep hearing about? I know not of what you speak.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the right-wingers have a point on this. The President is the leader of the free world. It is a disgrace to have him bow down to anyone. It betrays the republic and it shames us all. In fact, I'll agree with the critics on this. Any president who would bow down to someone is unworthy to hold the office and should resign in disgrace.

That's it for now, see ya next week, kiddos!