Simsisms: November 2009

There's a lot of blog worthy things occurring in the world today. Shootings on army bases, health care debates, the season finale of Mad Men, all of these things deserve their own blog. But here at SIMSISMS we are all about the issues. And that is why today's blog is about the most important debate raging in America today: Who would win in a three way battle to the death between Ninja's, Pirates, and Zombies. This is the question that is on the mind of every right-thinking American, and that is why we are going to analyze it today. Let's look at the players and how they stack up against each other:

Category: Abilities

Pirates are noted for their ability with swords, guns, canons, and have the unique ability to buckle something called a swash. Ninjas are masters of misdirection, martial arts, sword play, guerrilla tactics, assassination, and stopping the evil forces of the Shredder. Zombies, as they are already dead, are nearly invulnerable unless you take out the zombie brain, and they have the ability to gorge themselves on human flesh until their zombie stomachs burst.

Edge: Ninjas.

All of the above mentioned abilities are impressive, but Ninja abilities are a cut above the rest. While Pirates are handy with a sword, Ninjas are total devotees of advanced sword fighting. I'm sorry, but dedication and training have to count for something. Ninjas are the clear winners in this category.

Category: Weapons

Pirates, as mentioned above, have the standard weapons of flintlock pistols, muskets, cannons and a trusty cutlass. Ninjas have throwing stars, swords, arrows, nunchuks, and if Batman is to be believed, they also have explosives and primitive forms of LSD. Zombies prefer a more organic approach to weaponry, using only their bare hands to tear you to pieces. Although, zombies have been known to use weapons of opportunity, such as clubs, pipes, or the severed limbs of victims.

Edge: Zombies

The pirate and ninja weapons are kind of a wash (although the ninja claws that Storm Shadow came with in one of his action figure incarnations were about the coolest thing ever), but there's something about being your own deadly weapon that gives Zombies a slight edge here. Plus, if you were going to be killed, we imagine that being clubbed to death with the leg of one of your recently defenestrated family members is a whole lot more terrifying than musket fire or a throwing star.

Category: Motivation

Pirates were generally motivated by money, which should speak to all of you except for those of you hippies who think the world runs on love and flowers (yeah, that's how we'll pay for universal healthcare. Roses and hugs. Nice job, hippies). If TV is correct (and it always is) then every Ninja in history was motivated by the need to avenge their sensei who was murdered by their rival who then later stole their girlfriend and raised the Ninja's illegitimate child as their own, never telling the child the truth about their father until the final, epic battle that takes place in a burning building of some sort. Zombies are motivated by the unquenchable desire to eat your brains. This desire is so intense it gives them life after death and allows them to keep going as their flesh is rotting off and their bodies are decaying (like Lindsay Lohan!).

Edge: Pirates.

Have you read this site? Go capitalism!

Category: Weakness

Pirates are well known booze hounds, so their weakness is probably desire for alcohol and cirrhosis. One good shot to the liver and your average pirate is probably doubling over in pain. Ninjas weakness is their sense of honor, or some stupid unrealistic crap like that. They would want to win a fight honorably, rather than throwing sand in the eyes of their opponent then bashing in his skull with a rock. Zombies, well, lets just say that they aren't exactly deep thinkers. They just wander around mumbling about eating brains. Deductive reasoning and elevated tactical planning are not going to figure into your average zombie assault (yet another thing they have in common with the French).

Edge: No clear winner.

These are all terrible weaknesses. Though the Zombie weakness is probably a little worse than the Pirate/Ninja weaknesses.

Category: Most famous portrayal by an actor

Most famous actor to portray a pirate? Duh.

Okay, okay. It was this guy:

Most Famous actor to be a Ninja?

That's right, Batman and Oskar Schindler.

Most famous Zombie portrayal...

Best music video of all time. Don't tell Kanye.

Edge: Ninjas.

How can you beat the awesomeness of Qui-gon Jin and the kid from Newsies. Okay, but the kid from Newsies has done other stuff. And neither of them ever made a weird Willy Wonka remake or touched children inappropriately (allegedly). There's just too much awesomeness in the Ninja category for it to even be close.

Final Verdict

Ninjas win, all the way. If there were a fight they'd whip on the pirates through superior arms and strategy. The zombies would be more difficult, because of their viciousness and superior numbers, but the Ninjas eventually set the zombies on fire and ride off into the sunset. Difficult decision, but we're declaring the Ninjas the winners.