I believe

I believe...

That socks and sandals should not be worn together

That Santa Claus is a pedophile

That Law School grades are randomly assigned

That Rocky V never happened

That you shouldn't wear lifting gloves in the gym unless you can bench 1.5 times your body weight.

That Katie Holmes was blackmailed into a relationship with Tom Cruise, and that I still have a shot with her.

That the second half of Spider Man 3 will suck.

That the Office is funny, but House is funnier.

That Lost is still the best show on TV.

That Jack dies in the season finale.

That the Padres have a shot at the post season even though they have mediocre hitting and no lefties on the pitching staff.

That Curt Schilling's sock did have blood on it.

That Lemony Snickett failed to answer any significant questions with the last book.

That professional golf is 100X more interesting to watch than NASCAR

That anything is worth watching if watching in Hi-Def.

That Hillary Clinton must not be allowed to become President.

There will never be peace with Iran.

That Decker was a replicant.

That Ultimate fighting and MMR will replace Boxing.

That A-Rod will begin a steady implosion in July and August.

That Brady will win another Super Bowl before Peyton Manning.

That Justice Scalia is funnier than Justice Kennedy.

That Ginsburg makes up the law to fit her own beliefs.

That Bono writing a spider man musical is a bad idea.

Harry Potter

First some business. Shout out to my homie Paul, who has turned me on to Ann Coulter quotes. They are so offensive that I can't help but appreciate them, even when they are both wrong and horrible. Plus, anyone who likes Mitt Romney can't be all bad.

Second, there have been requests for my take on the next Harry Potter. As far as the movie goes, I honestly am not all that psyched up about it. The movies are good, but the joy of the books is that they take place in a world that invites the reader to linger and explore. I like that the books are long because I like the world that Harry Lives in and enjoy my time there. The movies are too focused on telling the main plot line in under two hours and twenty minutes. The subplots that make the books so much fun are often left on the cutting room floor. My literary soul mate, Dobby, is essentially absent from most of the films. I like the films, and I will doubtlessly go see them but they're not a priority. Plus, the movies are a little different now that the actor portraying Harry is a porn star and Hermione is smoking hot. No way is she only 17. What is in the food on that movie set.

Now, book 7, on the other hand, I am counting the days. Don't expect any work out of me that week until I've finished reading it twice. I'm so psyched up, that I actually managed to build a time machine and travel to the future to read book 7. I've decided to share some of my impressions about the book. Warning, Contains Potential MAJOR SPOILERS.

Q: Deathly Hallows? WTF?
A: Has to do with the ministry of magic, that's all I'll say.

Q: Does Harry die?
A: Sort of.

Q: Is he alive at the end?
A: Yes.

Q: Does You-know-who die?
A: Yeah

Q: Does Harry kill him?
A: No.

Q: Ron and Hermione?
A: Still kicking.

Q: Ron and Hemione, do they, you know?
A: Married.

Q: Harry and Ginny?
A: Also Married. BTW, Ginny turns out to be very important.

Q: Does Harry go back to Hogwarts?
A: Yes.

Q: Do we get to meet Aberforth Dumbledore?
A: Let's just say that Aberforth, like most people nicknamed Abby, defines the phrase "Bad Mother (expletive)."

Q: Does Neville die?
A: Yep, sorry Neville, we hardly knew thee.

Q: Does Snape die?
A: Yes

Q: Did Dumbledore order Snape to kill him?
A: Affirmative.

Q: Did Dumbledore make the right decision trusting Snape?
A: Dumbledore is rarely wrong.

Q: Lupin, does he die?
A: Yes.

Q: Wormtail?
A: Mucho Dead.

Q: What happens to Draco Malfoy?
A: Draco's actions will surprise you. Turns out he mayhave been worth saving. He's left alive at the end.

Q: Was the ending good? Anti-climactic? More disappointing than a Lemony Snickett novel?
A: Deeply satisfying. All sugar bowls are fully explained, so to speak.

Q: What is the seventh Horcrux?
A: Don't you mean who?

Q: Was it Harry?
A: Nope, someone who has already died.

That's my predictions. I expect everyone else to start making theirs soon. Get Posting!

I swear they said it.

Some of the best quotes out there.

"A zebra does not change its spots." - Al Gore

"We have a lot of kids who don't know what works means. They think work is a four-letter word." --Sen. Hillary Clinton

"My goal is to goad people into saying something that ruins their life." --Don Imus

"Next time you see a good looking guy or girl, just remember - somebody got sick of them."--Don Imus

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --President George W. Bush

"You bet we might have." --Sen. John Kerry, asked if he would have gone to war against Saddam Hussein if he refused to disarm

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --President George W. Bush

"Six imams removed from a US Airways flight from Minneapolis to Phoenix are calling on Muslims to boycott the airline. If only we could get Muslims to boycott all airlines, we could dispense with airport security altogether."--Ann Coulter

"Press passes can't be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the president" --Ann Coulter,

"A couple [of] alleged males attempted to sucker punch a 100-pound woman and missed. And they ended up with their faces smashed in and spending the night in the Pima County Jail, where I'm sure — being good liberals — their views on gay marriage will serve them well."--Ann Coulter, Regarding the two protesters who tried to throw pies at her.

Ripping off the Rage

So I saw this on the Wicked Rage's blog http://thewickedrage.blogspot.com/ and I decided to shamelessly rip it off. Plus, it has come to my attention that there may be one or two people who read this who have only met me once or twice. Shame on you for not leaving comments. Sinners! So, without further ado, here are my answers to the infamous one word quiz, and I would invite everyone else to post one up on their blog as well.

You.Can.Only.Type.One.Word. Not as easy as you might think.

1. Where is your cell phone?
Floor

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Nonexistent

3. Your hair color:
Brown

4. Your mother?:
Mommy!

5. Your father?
Papa!

6. Your favorite thing?:
Joy

7. Your dream last night?:
Church

8. Your favorite drink?:
Water

9. Your dream car?
Silverado

10. The room you are in?
Confining

11. Your ex?:
Forgotten

12. Your fear/phobia?
Commitment

13. What do you want to be in 10 years?:
Happy.

14. Who did you hang out with last night?:
Peeps

15. What you're not?:
Open

16. Muffins?
Bagels.

19. The last thing you did?
Exercised

20. What are you wearing?
PJ's

21. Your tv?
Thief

22. Your pet?
Dead

23. Your computer?
Slow

24. Your life?
Complicated.

25. Your mood?
Complicated

27. What are you thinking about right now?
Girls.

28. Your car?:
Payment.

29. Your work?:
Legal

30. Your summer?
Short

31. Your relationship status?:
Available

32. Your favorite color:
Black

33. When is the last time you laughed?:
Noonish.

34. When was the last time you cried?
2006.

35. School?:
Sucks.

There, and that's two blog updates in two days. So all y'all who aren't updating need to get cracking.

Accept it

The Following is a list of things that we should just all accept. There is no room for dispute on these issues, they are facts and the sooner society accepts it, the better off we all are.

1) The Rutgers Women's basketball team are a nappy headed bunch of Hoes. Their attitude to the whole Imus situation just proves it. They could have said, "We were flattered to be insulted by such a well-known crotchety old windbag" and that would have been the end of it, but no, they had to act offended and hurt. Guess what girls, athletes get insulted. All the time. It goes with the territory. Don't whine about how women's sports aren't taken seriously and then cry when you are treated like other athletes. You should be thanking Don Imus, because no one had ever heard of your team before, and now you are getting a mountain of free publicity.

P.S. The joke was also funny.

P.P.S. The media are such hypocrites. I hope Imus signs with Fox or Sirius and makes a ton of money. The man runs a ranch for CHILDREN WHO ARE DYING OF CANCER. Doesn't that earn the man a little slack?

2) Al Sharpton is a horrible human being who quit representing the African American community a long time ago. He represents only himself and would throw his own mother under a bus if he thought he could benefit from it. The man has incited race riots for his own benefit and people are dead because of him. What does it take for this guy to lose credibility? Don't even get me started on what he said about the Duke Lacrosse team.

3) Speaking of which, can we agree to learn from the Duke debacle and try and actually treat people like they might be innocent until they are actually proven guilty? Can we also learn that sometimes people lie about having been victimized, and we should remain skeptical of all accusations until ALL the evidence is in. I know people hate to hear this, but the cornerstone of the legal system is the idea that it is better for 10 guilty men to go free, than for one innocent man to go to jail.

4) Rocky Balboa is just a great freaking movie and if you didn't tear up at some point in the movie, well, then elves have covertly entered your room at might, removed your heart, and replaced it with a stone. I may like it better than Rocky 4, but I'm undecided. And if Stallone used HGH, well crap, pass me Barry Bonds' leftover needles cause Sly is 60 and he's freaking ripped.

5) The true pioneers of music in the 90's were not Nirvana, Green Day, or even Pearl Jam, but Milli Vanilli. They didn't write their own music or perform their own vocals, much like most of the artists you see on MTV today.

6) This season of Lost has been hit and miss. Paolo and Nikki were the island equivalent of nipples on the batsuit. Horribly integrated and ill-conceived from the get go. It feels like finally, 14 episodes into the season stuff is finally starting to happen. I love what they've done with Locke, and Juliet is frightening, pathetic, and beautiful, all at the same time.

7) There is no way the Padres make the playoffs as anything higher than a wildcard. Yes, I believe that they can make the wildcard with no hitting and with David Wells as the only lefty on their pitching staff. I also believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny now leave me alone.

8) Bono has gotten lazy. I'm sorry, I like Window In the Skies, but Bono tried to use the word "Rhapsodize." Are you freaking kidding me? That's not a word, Bono. You are the biggest star in rock and roll and you couldn't come up with a better word than that? You make a gazillion dollars a year, spring for a better rhyming dictionary.

9) Avril Lavigne is not good music. I don't know who's buying her albums, but stop it, it's just not funny any more. It's not funny to keep encouraging her. Memo to Canada: You used up your allotment of Rock and Roll Mojo with Rush, so stop trying.

10) There's no way the cheerleader on Heroes is 16. It's just not possible. Kelly Kapowski thinks she's lying.

That's it kids, finals are fast approaching but I hope to still update. Peace.

How to Drive in Vegas

How to drive in Vegas.

It’s come to my attention that many who immigrate to Vegas have a hard time adjusting to the unusual traffic customs in town. They are somewhat unusual, so in the interest of public safety I’ve put together some rules that one should abide by while driving in Las Vegas.

1) Drive as close as you possibly can to the car in front of you. Ideally, there should be no space between you and the unfortunate idiot who has the testicular fortitude to drive in the same lane as you. Studies have shown that people who try and drive at the same speed at which traffic flows are dangerous revolutionaries and should be harassed at every turn. You should drive close enough that if this blog were printed in six point font on the bumper of the person in front of you, you would have no trouble reading it.

2) Pedestrians never have the right of way. Go ahead; turn right into them when they are in the crosswalk. They are the lowest form of life on the planet and you shouldn’t feel any worse about hitting them than you would a mosquito. Remember, if God had intended pedestrians to live, he would have bought them a car.

3) Islands and Medians = convenient turn lanes

4) While on the freeway, you should try and drive at least 45 mph under the speed limit. Especially while traveling in the fast lane.

5) Driving in Vegas can be stressful; you should not attempt it unless you have consumed large quantities of whiskey. Try and make sure that your blood alcohol level is at least .25 if driving before 10 a.m. Also, try and keep an open container of alcohol in your car in case you suddenly feel yourself becoming sober. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DRIVE WHILE SOBER. You might not be a danger to yourself and everyone else around you.

6) Always turn into oncoming traffic. If they don’t stop, they must not have wanted to live anyway.

7) Ignore any and all state and federal emissions laws. A delightful cloud of smog should surround your vehicle at all times. If the people behind you can breath, your vehicle is not malfunctioning properly.

8) Your motto while driving in Vegas: DEATH BEFORE YIELDING.

9) Imagine that there are electrodes attached to sensitive regions on your body, and that using your turn signal will activate these electrodes. Don’t signal, ever. Remember, the other cars are the enemy, and you don’t want to give the enemy any hint of what your plans are.

10) You can always make a right turn from the far left lane.

11) Red lights are just suggestions. Again, it is the duty of everyone else on the road to watch out for you and try to anticipate your every driving whim. If anything bad happens, it’s their fault for not doing what you wanted.

12) Always change lanes in the middle of the intersection. Also, try and stop in the middle of the intersection so as to block traffic. You are the most important person on the road. Everyone else should wait for you because their jobs and activities are not as important as yours. It is far more important to get to your destination 3 minutes faster than to drive safely or show concern for human life.

The best stuff on the internets.

I thought that for my post today I might analyze the communist subtext of the classic cartoon show, "The Smurfs." Papa Smurf bore more than a passing resemblance to Karl Marx, the smurfs have all goods in common, never sell anything, and everyone benefits equally from everyone else's work. Their enemy is an evil capitalist who tries to exploit the worker smurfs by turning them into gold and making himself rich.

However, it occurred to me that this interpretation of the Smurfs is probably even more obvious and well known than Goofy being the embodiment of Nietzsche's ubermensch, and everyone knows that one.

Instead, I've just decided to post some links to important websites. Maybe you have heard of some of them, maybe you haven't. I really don't care because they are awesome. If they were a type of pie, they would be banana cream because that is the most awesome kind of pie there is.



http://realultimatepower.net/

The guys at real ultimate power really get it. They truly understand the essence of what life is and the connection between love and fear. Props gentlemen. Also, do yourself a favor and watch the movies.


http://www.freakonomics.com/blog/

It's no secret that I love the book, Freakonomics, and these guys consistently have one of the most interesting blogs on the internet. Always worthwhile and updated daily.


http://mentalfloss.com/

If you don't read mental floss, it's probably because you suck and are the human equivalent of nipples on the batsuit. Do yourself a favor and cruise the site.


http://www.ken-jennings.com/blog/

The man won zillions of dollars on Jeopardy and managed to put up with that smarmy, yet oddly endearing Alex Trebek for months on end. Plus he is friends with my brother. They are both geniuses and when they get together I have a feeling they make jokes about quantum physics, but the dude's blog is always good.


http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=fact&person=chuck

Everyone has seen the Chuck Norris Random Fact Generator, but I include it because at the start of every summer, Chuck Norris begins practicing his roundhouse kicks outside. We know this as hurricane season.


http://www.tvsquad.com/bloggers/wil-wheaton

Most geeks remember Wil Weaton as the insufferable brat who brought Star Trek the Next Generation down for years. He now blogs about past TNG episodes and reminisces about being loathed by nerds everywhere. It's actually surprisingly funny.


http://notabug.com/kozinski/

Judge Kozinski is widely regarded as a terrible person to work for, and I have to admire that. His writings and speeches are required reading for anyone who harbors even the faintest traces of Libertarian thought.


http://askaninja.com/blades

If I have one complaint about the internets, its that there aren't enough links about ninjas. If I have two complaints about the internets, it's that there aren't enough links about ninjas interviewing Will Ferrell.


http://ericdsnider.com/

Eric Rules. His movie reviews are generally dead on and I find myself unable to argue with the cogent logic expressed in his columns. Except when he tries to argue that Margret Mitchell was trying to make the same points in fiction that Michael Oakeshott was trying to make in his non-fictional writings on Jurisprudence. The very idea!


http://andrewwk.com/

Our last link is from a band that I've been hyping for years. If you are not into Andrew W.K. then you are depleting the earth's supply of oxygen and offering nothing in return. Andrew is destined to save rock and roll with his complex melodies, his intricate harmonies, and deep and introspective lyrics. Keep clicking on the slide show at the beginning until you enter the site, then go watch the music videos. My favorite is Party Hard. A soulful meditation on the demands of a proletariat man as he struggles to come to terms with the dueling forces of desire and fate.

That's all for now peeps. I'll update again soon.

Songs

Well, it's two minutes into the second half of the UCLA game and someone finally scored. All I can think about while watching this game is that there is comedy, there is high comedy, and then there is Lorenzo Mata's facial hair. WOW! Does dude not own a mirror? Do UCLA's boosters not slip him enough money under the table to allow him to purchase some shiny metallic surface in which he can see his reflection?

Okay, here are some songs that I've been listening to lately and if you don't own them yet, you should.

Biz Markie--Just a friend

This is probably about the greatest rap song ever written. Generally, I'm not a huge rap fan, but there is something un-American about not singing along to the chorus of this song. Plus, Biz's point is right on, don't trust a girl who says she just has a friend. She's probably a Skeez.


Akon--Don't Matter

Don't front; you like this song too.


The Shins--Kissing the Lipless

Is it possible to pimp the Shins too much? I don't think it is. These guys were messing with acoustic guitars while Jack Johnson was still stoned off his mind surfing all day. This song is amazing and it you don't own it, you should. In fact, download the whole album. If you don't like it, you should not be allowed to own music. Period.

The Decemberists--O Valenica!

How can you not like the cheerfully eclectic Decemberists? Especially after their guitarist took on Stephen Colbert in a battle of guitar shredding. If you like Hyper-literate prog rock, this is totally for you.

Iron and Wine and Calexico--A History of Lovers

Iron and Wine is probably one of the most underrated bands on the planet. His music is mellow and great. Every time I think of how many more records AFI has sold than Iron and Wine I die a little inside. Seriously kids, If you want to listen to deep, angsty music, this is where its at. AFI is fake, and I strongly suspect that the guys in that band don't even really hate their parents. I and W talks about love, loss, pain, and occassionally dogs. Also, of all the bands out there consisting of one person but refusing to go by the person's name, I and W probably has the best music, and beard. Sorry Five for Fighting, but your record company insists on releasing sissy songs and I find your beard unconvincing.


Corinne Bailey Rae--Like a Star

There's not enough space on the internets to say how much I love this girl.


Derek and The Dominos--Little Wing

I saw Clapton and Co. do this live a couple weeks ago and it left me breathless. It was one of the most stunningly beautiful things I've ever heard. The studio version is really good too and no one plays guitar like Eric, and he never played better than when he had Duane Allman to pushing him to new heights. I think we can all agree that Duane was Eric's Anti-Yoko Ono.


Don Henley--The Boys of Summer

This song is almost as old as I am, but it is still good. Some songs are like old friends that you haven't seen in a while and it is good to reconnect with them. The Ataris redid this a few years back, and if I ever have the chance I would like to avenge this wrong by shooting high voltage electricity through their nipples until their heads explode. Seriously, their version is that bad. In fact, it's like someone made a copy of Michaelangelo's David out of Human Excrement. Why would you ever defile a song like that? Why not just take a leak on the Mona Lisa while you are at it.


Josh Turner--Would You Go With Me

In an age when Coldplay has everyone singing in girlish falsetto tones and caring about the environment, it's good to hear a guy who's not afraid to sing like a man and drive a chevy. Some people don't like country music; I understand, but this transcends country music. Trust me, give this song a try and you will be hooked. It's just a given that if I hear this song the repeat button will be pushed.


Office Space Soundtrack--Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangsta

I can't for the life of me find the name of the band, but this song rules. It would be my ringtone if I wasn't sure it would go off in front of my bishop and get me in serious trouble.


Patrick Park--Life is a Song I love this song. Before you think that Pat Park is another sissy song writer, just know that he is a martial arts champion and used to work as a bouncer in L.A. That's right, he can kill you with his words or with a roundhouse kick. Deal with it.


Red Hot Chili Peppers--Snow

This song is great. The Album is great. John Frusciante is one of the most amazing guitarists on the planet.


REM--Superman

REM was awesome back before Michael Stipe died. Do you hear me? Michael Stipe died in 1993, and REM never released Monster and he never became the flamingist man alive. You imagined all of that. So did all of your friends.

Rogue Wave--Eyes

This song is just great. Thanks Matt for the tip on these guys.

Sufjan Stevens --To Be Alone With You

Okay, as you listen you will realize that he is singing about a dude. But it's not just a dude, its THE dude, and I'm not talking Lebowski. The song is about how he feels about the Savior. It's understated nature is a great example of an artist dealing with religion without being preachy or heavy-handed.

White Stripes--Death Letter

This song rocks, and it's older than your grandfather. Get it, or consider your life a failure.

March Madness

Every year for march madness I fill out a bracket after carefull research and study. My bracket is almost never right. For some reason, the winner of whatever bracket contest I enter is almost always some girl who picked her teams on totally random criteria. So, this year I decided to try and beat the system. I've filled out two brackets. One, a legitimate bracket that I poured over, spending a long time trying to decide at what point having an inferior coach is going to cause Texas to lose even though they have the best player in the tournament. The other bracket, I decided to fill out using absolutely stupid criteria, trying to think as little as possible about things like who had the best players, worst coaches, total inability to defend, etc, and instead concentrate on things like whose uniform was shinier. I decided that for my blog today, I would run through the first round of my random bracket and explain my reasoning, or lack thereof.

Midwest

Florida vs. Jackson St.
I picked Florida because it is an actual state. I'm pretty sure that Jackson is not a State, which makes them guilty of false advertising. False advertising is a crime, and criminals never prosper.

Arizona vs. Purdue
The 8 and 9 seeds are always tough. I picked Purdue in my other bracket, but I'm going with Arizona in this bracket because I want to live there one day.

Butler vs. Old Dominion.

No question, you have to go for a team with a name like old dominion. They just sound cool. How have I never heard of a school with a cool name like this. Do they have a law school? I may have to transfer.

Maryland vs. Davidson

This is tough, I once visited Maryland and it was very humid, which I don't like. However, I had a Zone Leader named Davidson and he was pretty rough on me during my qualification...Hmmm... I'm going to pick Maryland on this one.

Notre Dame vs. Winthrop

Easy pick. Notre Dame has a way better fight song. Don't front, now that I've mentioned it, you've started singing it to yourself and it will haunt you the rest of the day.

Oregon v. Miami

Miami was the subject of one of the worst Will Smith songs ever, Oregon had Steve Prefontaine. In fact, just for the Prefontaine connection I have them making the elite eight in this bracket.

UNLV vs. Georgia Tech.

UNLV overcharges me for tuition and gave me much lower grades than I deserved. My pick: Georgia Tech.

Wisconsin vs Fake Texas A & M.
I like cheese. Wisconsin all the way.

West

Kansas v. Some poor team that has no chance.
Tough, but...I think I will go with Kansas on this one.

Kentucky v. Villanova
Now, this is an interesting game for those who actually follow college basketball. Villanova is probably underrated, Kentucky is probably overrated. Also, if they don't make the sweet sixteen, Kentucky's coach is probably going to lose his job so the pressure is on. In this bracket though, the choice was easy. Kentucky's coach is named Tubby, so I pick Kentucky.

Virginia Tech v. Illinois.
Tempting to pick Illinois cause I like their nickname, but I'm going to go with Virginia Tech because I think they are the more likely candidate to one day be featured in a David Lynch movie.

S. Illinois v. Holy Cross.
I already picked one catholic school, that's my limit. Southern Illinois takes this one.

Duke v. VCU
Again, if I were trying to take this seriously, I would point out that Duke in no way deserves a 6 seed and that they are the weakest Duke team in years. However, I like that the pronounciation of their coaches name in no way relates to its spelling, also, I like that they break people's noses when they are behind. I think Basketball needs more violence. You never hear of Basketball players being arrested, or fighting, or running around with guns, or being accused of Domestic violence. By all accounts, the NBA all star weekend was one of the most tame weekends in the history of Las Vegas. Basketball needs more violence and excitement.

Pittsburgh v. Wright.

Once knew a girl named Wright. Go Pitt.

Indiana v. Gonzaga
Adam Morrison isn't around to cry, so I'm okay with the Zags winning.

UCLA v. Weber St.
UCLA all the way. I knew a girl who went to Weber St.

East

North Carolina v. Eastern Kentucky
I have this theory that the state of Kentucky doesn't really exist, so I'm going with North Carolina, which I am 63% sure exists.

Marquette v. Michigan St.

I'm going with Michigan St. because Marquette sounds french.

USC v. Arkansas.
Hmmm... USC rejected me from their Law School, and the Governor of the state of Arkansas is a Runner, which means God is probably on Arkansas side. Look for the Arkansas upset.

Texas v. New Mexico St.
I've often theorized that once the Republicans finally succeed in erecting a wall on the Mexican border, they will try to rename New Mexico, most likely after Ronald Reagan. Which means his game would be Texas v. Reagonia State, and I just can't bring myself to root for Reagonia State; their name is weird. Texas all the way. And no, I did not allow my decision to be influenced by the fact that they have the best player in college basketball. Did anyone else notice that Danny Ainge is at all the Texas games lately?

Vanderbilt v. George Washington.
George Washington is on the quarter, and the dollar bill. What's Vanderbilt on?

Washington State v. Oral Roberts
That teams name is Oral! <>. Seriously though, Washington is on the quarter and the dollar bill.

Boston College v. Texas Tech
Texas Tech's mascot is Satan. Picking them would be a sin.

Georgetown v. Belmont.

Belmont is tempting because that is the name of an apartment complex at BYU populated by lots of people of questionable moral fiber. Their ward has the reputation of all the sacrament trays coming back full, if you know what I mean. However, Georgetown sounds more impressive. A whole town named George! I wonder if any of them are curious...

South

Ohio St. vs. Some Community College where the players are going to spend the game trying to get Greg Oden's autograph.

Duh.

BYU v. Xavier
Ignoring BYU's tendency to implode, and the fact that they are the whitest team on earth, and that Xavier is playing 80 miles from its home court, and that one of the refs has a documented grudge against BYU, I'm going to pick them because they are my Alma matter. Plus Xavier reminds me of X-men, and the last X-men movie was sub-par at best. By the way, the NCAA should really get a new ouija board when they do the seedings for next year. The one they used this year is clearly broken.

Tennessee v. Long Beach St.

Tennessee is harder to spell, but it is also where Elvis lived.

Virginia v. Albany
I can't find Albany on a map, so I'm going with Virginia.

Louisville v. Stanford.
Louisville was the subject of the worst Cameron Crowe movie ever that was not called "Jerry Maguire." How did the guy who made "Almost Famous" also make Elizabethtown? Most obvious drug habit since Billie Joe Armstrong. Go Stanford.*

*My decision was in no way influenced by the fact that Louisville's coach destroyed the Celtics. In no way. Not at all. Not even a little bit.**

**I might be lying.

Texas A & M v. Pennsylvania.

Texas A & M has an ampersand in its name, and I've always felt that Pennsylvania sounded like an especially unpleasant venereal disease. Go A & M!

Nevada v. Creighton.
I have no idea where Creighton is, and I love Nevada just because it drives locals crazy if they feel the name of their state is pronounced wrong, and I know the announcers are going to use the wrong pronunciation almost 90% of the time. (Note: It's a Spanish word, and YOU are all pronouncing it wrong, Nevada residents. You can yell all you want about how you don't like the shape of the world, but it's still going to be round).

Memphis v. North Texas

If I were a basketball fan I might make the standard comment that Memphis is over rated and then make the obligatory Paper Tiger comment. Instead, I'm just going to pick Memphis because it is in the state where Elvis lived.

War BYU upsetting Ohio State!

If they were rock bands...

Normally, I like to offer incisive commentary on relevant social issues, however, today I feel the need to dabble in something superficial and socially irrelevant: The upcoming presidential elections. I know that barely any attention is being paid to the upcoming elections even though they are only a mere 2 years away. Shame on the media for not devoting massive attention to presidential candidates so far away from the actual election.

All of this got me thinking, if the candidates were rock bands, which ones would they be? Here are my thoughts, feel free to post comments disagreeing or offering better comparisons.

Barack Obama: U2.

Watch this guy speak for five minutes and you will understand why people are deserting from the Hillary camp in droves. This guy has charisma to spare, just like Bono. Mark my words, this guy could upset Hillary. I predict this guy having more appeal with the youth of America than anyone since Robert Kennedy. Bottom line, this guy is going to appeal to minorities and youth voters, and we all know how important they are. Without the minority and youth votes, Al Gore and John Kerry would never have become presidents. Oh, wait....

By the way, does Obama remind anyone else of President Palmer in the first season of 24? I think we can agree that Palmer was the best fictional President ever (I'd take him over that commie, Bartlett any day). If Obama is the real life version of Palmer, that can only be a good thing. If he loses, I demand that he do commercials for Allstate Insurance. This is not up for discussion.

Hillary Clinton: Gwar.

Okay, this comparison is probably unfair. For those of you who don't know, Gwar was the favorite band of Beavis and Butthead. The band alleges to be from outer space and they have come to fight aliens, which they do in costume throughout their shows. This comparison is a little unfair because Gwar is far more credible than Hillary Clinton. However, like Gwar, Clinton is utterly ridiculous and impossible to take seriously. Just as no thinking person would ever buy a Gwar album, no thinking person would vote for someone as fake, insincere, and wholly manufactured as Hillary Clinton. I realize she is the establishment candidate, but she bears the stink of all of the Bill Clinton scandals and lacks her husband's charisma and gravitas. I toyed with making her the Long Beach All Stars, with Bill Clinton's Presidency being Sublime, but the more I scope youtube clips of Gwar, the more Hillary Clinton came to mind.

Please Democrats, elect Barack Obama.

Dennis Kucinich: Andrew W.K.

If you don't know who Andrew W.K. is, I weep for you. W. K. is a rock innovator. Go scope out his youtube clip at the following location and remember these two things.

1) He's not joking, he is serious. This is his band, and his music is meant to be taken seriously.
2) Rolling Stone gave this dude four stars. A complete rave review.

Go watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdcDvEg4mSw

Okay, just like W.K., Kucinich is unintentionally hysterical, completely insane, and impossible to take seriously. Props to him for running to try and draw attention to a cause, but Al Gore is already drawing attention to the same cause. Speaking of Gore

Al Gore: Master P.

Master P is obscenely wealthy and no one knows why. He has weak rhymes and his music sucks. Similarly, people like Al Gore and I can't figure out why. He's not particularly intelligent, never really done anything of real benefit to society, and seems to have all the charisma of a young Pete Sampras. His singular accomplishment is winning an Oscar for a very long public service announcement asking people to please turn down their air conditioners. How does that not stink of failed politician. He's technically not a candidate, and hopefully stays that way.

By the way, while we are on the subject, living a "Carbon Neutral Lifestyle" as Al Gore claims to is ridiculous. The idea that you can offset the fact that you caused more pollution than a small town just so you could roll around in your private jet and pimp your movie by donating money to environmental research is a total crock. Essentially, it is a way that rich people can feel better about raping mother earth all the while telling you and I to not pollute. You can't buy forgiveness, Al. You fat hypocrite.

P.S. Part of Al Gore's family fortune comes from Tobacco revenue.

John McCain: Beck

Just like Beck, McCain has always kind of done his own thing. He's actually a very popular and well liked politician , except in the republican party. Too bad he's running for the republican nomination. If McCain had the stones, he could run as an independent, with Lieberman as his VP, and probably win and change the face of politics as we know it. However, this will never happen.

Rudy Giuliani: Johnny Cash

That's right, Johnny Freaking Cash. Giuliani is tough, has the street cred, and his popularity transcends ordinary political boundaries, just as Cash managed to transcend country music and break into the mainstream, Giuliani has huge mainstream appeal. If he can win a primary, he can win the election. However, just like Cash, Giuliani has some baggage in his personal life. Cash eventually found Jesus, right about now would be a mighty convenient time for Rudy to do the same. He might have troubles winning the nomination with a pro-choice, pro-gay rights agenda, but the nation loves him. Even if he loses, he should end up in the cabinet. He would be a great Attorney General, or head of Homeland Security. Of everyone running, he probably has the most talent for governing. This win would not disappoint.

Mitt Romney: The White Stripes.

On paper, the White Stripes shouldn't work. There's only two of them, and the drummer sucks. The songs are fairly straightforward and uncomplicated. Ditto Romney. There's no way the Mormon businessman, who's political experience consists of one term as Governor of the Idiocracy of Massachusetts, should have a chance. Yet, he's fast emerging as the critics' choice. The people who run the republican party really like him and the conservative commentators are all on board. He makes the drudge report every day and he has the benefit of actually being a conservative. He gets mad props for saving the Salt Lake City Olympics and he has a reputation for saving failing businesses (apt analogy for the current republican party). Can he break out and appeal to the main stream? I put the chances of that on par with Meg and Jack White. Chances are good, but the media hates Mormons (probably because while the media pretends to value service and helping other people, Mormons actually do it). Expect all kinds of bigoted, half true stories of Mormons from the likes of Bryant Gumbel (idiot) and Matt Lauer (bigot), and pretty much every leftist media outlet, or fundamentalist christian rag.

P.S. How awesome would it be to have a Romney v. Obama election? A Mormon or an African American as president? The south might have to secede again. I really hope these two are the candidates.

Mike Huckabee: Sufjan Stevens.

Deeply Christian, not widely known. Loved by those who do know him. He's a total underdog, but by all accounts a really good guy. The Christian right really loves him, and most of America now associates the Christian right with George W. Bush, so don't expect their endorsement to go very far. Chances of him breaking out are slim, just like Sufjan Stevens, but it could happen.

P.S. If you don't know who Sufjan Stevens is, you are wasting your life. This includes you, UNICEF workers! Go download "To be alone with you" right now. this is not even optional.

That is the take on the current field. I left out Newt Gingrich because I refuse to believe that the world could hate me enough to let him run. That tests the bounds of fairness. Also, I left out Ralph Nader because I intend to one day to a post about how many people have been killed as an indirect result of Ralph Nader (his band, incidentally, would have been Cake). Sorry that the post was long and fundamentally unfunny. More posts this week when I have time.

Oscars

Sorry about the delay between posts. Appellate brief took most of my time this week, that and a crippling addiction to Batman. What can I say, I find the anti-communist subtext enthralling.
Here are my thoughts on last night's Oscars.

1) Confession: like most sensible people, I didn't watch. I didn't watch any of the nominated movies. That might be socially irresponsible of me, but I just couldn't bring myself to watch any of them. Call me crazy, but I insist that the movies I watch be, you know, interesting. Also, the Oscar broadcast is way too long. If I wanted to watch four hours of Hollywood being self-indulgent, I would rent a Kevin Costner Movie.

2) Congratulations to Al Gore for winning an Oscar for "A Convenient Fiction" ...er..."An Inconvenient Truth." Most people didn't see this, but apparently later on it was revealed that even though Al Gore got more votes, "Jesus Camp" was declared the actual winner and Gore's Oscar was taken away by the supreme court...

3) Also, Congrats to Al Gore on his new diet. Apparently, living in a large house with gigantic air conditioners between flying around on an expensive, private, carbon dioxide emitting jet and telling everyone else to not pollute so much does not leave time for pilates and spin classes. He is well on his way to becoming the world's largest hypocrite in more ways than one.

4) Congrats to Martin Scorsese for finally winning an Oscar for Taxi Driver. He truly deserved it..... 31, 27, and 17 years ago.

5) Jack Nicholson would have been much cooler if he had shown up with a Mohawk and insisted on being referred to as Travis Bickle.

6) Alternatively, he could have introduced himself as Britney Spears.

7) Congrats to Ellen Degeneres. By all accounts you were awful, but inoffensive. How is it hard to find a good Oscar host? Shouldn't we just pay Billy Crystal a billion dollars to do it every year. His other films aren't good, no one else seems to be any good at hosting. Note to academy, next year try and get Jerry Seinfeld. He's actually funny, and he is well liked enough to probably pull it off. Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson might be able to do it. Stay away from Eddie Murphy who hasn't been funny since 1987, Jay Leno is not funny, this is not up for discussion. Neither is Rosie O'Donnell. In fact, she is painful to watch. She hurts my chakra, and makes my inner child feel like he was inappropriately touched in naughty places. I think that woman has had an enema of pure, liquid evil. I digress.

8) By the way, why are the Oscars prestigious? Isn't this the same organization that gave an award to Dances With Wolves over Goodfellas? On what planet is Dances with Wolves even a good movie? Didn't they also screw over Citizen Kane? Also, didn't they give an award to Shakespeare in Love? Has anyone watched that movie since it won? These things make me die inside.

Random thoughts I had in class

1) I didn't think Brittany Spears could get any crazier, but darn if that girl doesn't have a talent for surprising. I guess an artist must continually reinvent herself to stay fresh and appealing, but honestly, I don't know what she can do to top this. Perhaps a tattoo on her face? Maybe a steamy tabloid romance with Carrot Top? Some weeks ago, I would have totally written her off as over, replaced by far more interesting train wrecks like Lindsay Lohan. Now, I think there is no ceiling on how crazy she could get. She could become the female Mike Tyson. I hit refresh on Drudge Report 5 times an hour just to see what she's going to do next. Honestly, I hope she never makes another movie or album, she's far more entertaining when she is screwing up in real life.

2) Five years ago, if you were to have picked which cast member of Harry Potter would be most likely to appear in porn, would you have picked Harry? I would have gone with Hermione. Yes, I know, it's not porn, it's serious art, done tastefully, he had creative control, etc. I'm sure all of the creepy, 40 year old men who are googling pictures of him late at night are thinking "My, this nudity is tastefully done and the artistic merits are impeccable.

3) P.S. Brittany, Ditch the whole 12 step thing. Rehab is for quitters.

4) Al Franken is running for the senate in Minnesota. Stuart Smalley could be in the senate, yet a born leader like Vince McMahon can't be taken seriously. Who wouldn't vote for Vince? C-Span would be infinitely more watchable. Imagine, Hillary Clinton moves to filibuster a judicial candidate, just as she moves for a quorum call, Vince hits her over the head with a chair, and says, "I'll fill you, buster!!!!" Wouldn't you watch the news every night just to see what crazy thing went on? Also, I find his positions on foreign policy to be very cogent and forward-thinking.

5) Katie Couric is like the broadcast news equivalent of Rocky V. Just unwatchable. You wonder how thinking people ever let this happen. It's bad, but it's not bad enough to watch for comic value, like "Glitter" or "Plan Nine From Outer Space." It's bad along the lines of turn the channel and try to pretend you didn't see it.

6) Who went and watched Ghost Rider? Was there some kind of subliminal signal sent out in the previews that made people think, "My life is in no way valuable and I have too much money, I will happily go buy a ticket to a clearly dreadful movie." Why would you go watch this movie when you can shove a screwdriver into your brain through your nasal passages to achieve the same result for far less money?

Great Literature.

I was going to blog about the upcoming presidential elections, and actually had the post ready, but I decided to change gears, and post on something more socially relevant. I'd like to post today regarding one of the greatest works of western literature, a novel rife symbolism and existentialist imagery rarely seen in contemporary American prose. I'm speaking, of course, of "There's a Nightmare in my Closet" by Mercer Mayer. If you haven't yet read it, drop what you are doing and go buy it, read it, and after you have finished weeping, read it again and savor what true literary ecstasy can be. If you are doing CPR on someone, stop and go read. CPR is largely ineffective and if the person has read this book they can die happy, and if not, they don't deserve to live anyway.

The plot is insignificant, it is a standard journey of a youth on a voyage of self discovery. It's what he discovers that is key. It's that are fears are really the manifestations of our unrealized unconscious longings and therefore, we are the source of our own fears, and therefore, master of them. Truly deep stuff, not the kind of thing that can be truly absorbed in one reading. I'd like to thank my niece for turning me on to this brilliant though under appreciated work. This, together with the stunningly insightful "Goodnight Moon" just proves that my niece is on the cutting edge of modern literature. Pulitzer prize committee, you have fallen down on the job. Maybe if you took your snotty noses out of your "hundred years of solitude" and other such insignificant drivel you might actually see that there is real literature to be enjoyed. Hang your heads in shame.

The Grammys and the Dixie Chicks

1) Why do people think the Grammys are important? Isn't that the same group of people who gave Milli Vanilli an award? How are they seen as having any kind of legitimacy? Do people really think the Dixie Chicks are better than Corrine Bailey Rae? On what planet is that true? That's like saying Saw III is better than the Godfather. Unforgivable.

2) While we're on the subject, I don't really care about the politics of the Dixie Chicks, but I thought their speech about how winning a grammy somehow proved all of their detractors wrong was just ridiculous. How does winning an award voted on by a small, exclusive group of out of touch elitists prove that the millions of people who didn't buy your records or go to your concerts were wrong? That's like George Bush receiving a "world's best boss" mug from his secretaries and saying that proves he was right about the Iraq war.

3) Sorry to harp on the Dixie Chicks so much, but it has to be said. Their version of Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide" was the musical equivalent of a Kathy Bates nude scene. Totally unnecessary and destined to scar you for life.

4) Lastly, the fact that the Dixie Chicks have a Grammy and the Shins don't, well, that just proves your award is crap.

Ressurection

Okay, after a very long lay off I have decided to resurrect my blog. No one is going to read it, but that's okay. The decision was made after I experienced a great tragedy in my life this past week. I'm sure many of you have gone through the same thing in the past few days. I've been trying to find ways to cope with this tremendous grief, and I think writing will be therapeutic. I'm speaking of course about the loss of one of our nation's most revered heroes, Anna Nicole Smith. I don't think anyone so singularly, and so spectacularly personified the American dream and she will be missed. Shine on, you crazy diamond! You will be missed.

I think the nations inability to cope with this loss is shocking. I'm disturbed that the flags are not at half mast, and that the media has the audacity to cover other stories. A national day of mourning should be declared. George W. Bush, I didn't think my opinion of you could get any lower, but you sir, have proven me wrong. This woman was a true societal innovator, and that should be recognized.

Bullets over Utah

Today's Blog is being typed durin the time that i would be running, except my asthma flared up and my inhaler is on empty. Yippee.

I can't think of anything specific, so here are the random thoughts which peel through my mind at warp factor 9 as I type.

1) I'm glad to see that last week's blog inspired arguments about whether or not Utah sucks. This argument in no way resembles the type of conversation 4 year olds might have over who's dad could is coolest.

2) The new Star Wars is rated PG-13. Hmmmm...Wouldn't it be like the greatest trick ever if George Lucas were to release two really bad movies and then release the greatest film ever made. There could be a little clip of him at the end of the movie going "Got Ya!"

3) I know, the third star wars will suck. George Lucas probably just filmed himself rolling around naked in a huge pile of money for two and a half hours.

4) Even if the last statement is true, i'm still going to see it, and you are too. Don't Front.

5) Did anyone else hear that Paula Abdul had an affair with an American Idol Contestant? You go girl! What is she, like 50 and bagging teenage boys? Isn't that Michael Jackson's bit?

6) There is now a 15 pound hamburger. Finally, a hamburger made for the husky gentleman.

7) Who would win in a fight, Buffy, Vampire Slayer, or Wolverine? Am I the only one losing sleep trying to answer this question?

8) Speaking of Wolverine, does it bother anyone else that Hugh Jackman has been leaning towards the very gay end of the rainbow lately?

9) How has Ron Artest not appeared on pro wrestling? This is so obvious a four year old could make this happen. I demand that someone book this immediately.

10) If I were God, I would turn Utah into a nasty, Arid place. I would give it rocky soil, and alternate between flooding and drought. Then, I would populate the state with people who drive ina manner that can only be described as creative, and who mispronounce the word "across." That's what I would do. Oh, wait.....

Back by popular demand

Okay, I so wasn't going to blog today, on account of the fact that I really can't think of anything intelligent to write. However, after perusing other blogs, I've realized that having something intelligent to say is in no way a requirement for blogging. Todays blog centers on living in utah, and why it is uncool. Let's go with the numbered list format.

1) Okay, this is huge. I cannot find any decent salsa in this state. All of the store bought salsa tastes like butt. Seriously, am I the only one with functioning taste buds in this state? Hello!? You can have salsa that is hot and has good flavor. It's not loaves and fishes, people. It can happen without divine intervention.

2) In any other state, if you were to turn on your turn signal, you would eventually be let in. Not so in Utah. Apparently, the state motto here is "Death Before Yielding."

3) That girl I dated who was waaaaaaaaaay to clingy and needy. She'll never read this so I can say it. You really creeped me out. Space, women, its not just for Captain Kirk.

4) All the women I want to date, totally ignore me for stupid reasons such as they don't think of me "that way", they aren't interested, or have husbands. Lame excuses, all of them.

5) Three words. Oh, My, Heck.

6) It's the end of April, still no spring in sight.

7) Towns that are pronounced in funky manners. Hurricane shyould not be pronounced her-uh-ken.

8) If there is two feet of snow on the ground, you are not in a drought. Live with it.

9) The guy at my work trying to become a non-guy. Come on, dude, chop not off thy dudeness. Somethings cannot be restored, or sewn back on. What are you thinking? Never met anyone with thsi problem outside of Utah.

That's my quick blog for the day. Thanks all.

Once again, this Blog is brought to you courtesy of boredom. First, let me respond to some of the comments left on my last blog.

1) There are no slutty girls in Victoria Secret. Trust me.

2) I've been using the numbered format for letters, diary entries, etc., since I lived in Brazil 6 years ago. I stole the format from no one.

Onto the main point of todays blog, which is the rise and fall of Steven Soderberg, and no I don't care if I spelled his name right, so don't bother commenting on that. I just finished watching Ocean's 12 and all I could think of the whole time was "This is the guy who made the Limey?" Unbelievable. I firmly believe that George Clooney is ruining steven Soderberg. I think that George might be Steven's Yoko Ono. I believe that all of us have a Yoko Ono, kind of like an anti-soulmate, that actually brings us down and saps our creativity. Look at the movies Soderberg made before Ocean's Eleven, and the ones he has made since. The difference is staggering. The difference is almost as striking as Eddie Murphy movies from the eighties and Eddie Murphy movies in the nineties. Ocean's Eleven was fun, but hardly at the same level as Traffic, or the Limey. Did anyone even see Solaris or Full Frontal (memo to HBO: don't show Full Frontal after midnight. When you turn on HBO late night, and something called Full Frontal is supposed to be on, you kind of expect something other than an art house movie). Bottom line, Steven, please, go back and make edgy movies. Your biopic on Che Guevarra can't come out fast enough. Please, I like George Clooney (by the way, I'm decreeing that ER ended when he left the show. The seasons after that never happened, can't we all agree on this?) but move on. Make movies with someone else. Accept that you and George are the cinematic equivalent of the Plastic Ono Band. You are a better director than the movies that you are making. Don't let success go to your head. Don't be the next Spielberg, or Lucas.

Thanks all, if I get a chance I will update later this week, Hopefully about some upcoming CD's.

Random thoughts from a deranged mind.

Greetings all! This is my very first blog and I am absolutely horrified that a nutjob like myself can get onto the internet and write whatever he wants. I expect that I will use this blog to comment on society, and occaisionally write coherent, well thought out columns. However, this first time I'm just going to write random thoughts about whatever pops into my mind. For those of you who don't know me, I don't think in paragraph form, so my random thoughts blogs will be in the ever popular bulleted format. Here goes:

1) How is it that George Lucas can manage to piece together two and a half minutes of footage to make a good movie trailer, but can't manage to make a decent movie? Every three years it seems we get a movie trailer that looks awesome, promising to equal the glory of the original trilogy. Then, once we go to the movie theater we find that once again George has delivered to us the cinematic equivalent of a kidney stone. It's just not fair.

2) I think that we should let baseball players use whatever steroids they want, as long as they provide the fans attending the game with whatever drugs they want. Imagine, juiced up athletes with skinny legs and horrible back-acne drilling 500 foot homers as the audience screams in an LSD induced hallucination. At least the sport would finally be watchable.

3) Dr. Dre should be limited to discovering new rappers and saying "Hell yeah!" on albums. I feel very strongly about this.

4) Someone tried to tell me that the plastic ono band was innovative. There are simply not enough drugs on this planet to get me to agree with that statement.

5) Shouldn't there be a sport on Pay-per-view that is just monkeys with chainsaws?

6) It turns out that one of the guys from 98 degrees is getting his own reality show. Meanwhile, the person most deserving o a reality show, Mike Tyson, still does not get enough TV coverage to satisfy me.

7) Scented candles are a scam. Does anyone else see this? I feel like I am taking crazy pills.

8) In a perfect world, hollywood liberals, and members of the bush administration would make peace and engage in all star jam sessions. Am I the only one who is rooting for Dick Cheney to get onstage with the Pearl Jam and just let the music flow? Of course I'm not.

9) On TV you always see guys who find girls that are willing to just start making out after five minutes of knowing each other. Where are these women? Do they gather somewhere that I am unaware of? I've checked everywhere and can't find them. I even strolled through an Abercrombie and Fitch store in search of these women. Can't find them. If you know where they are, please let me know.

10) Maybe the secret of Lost is that there is no secret. Maybe they're just trapped on a creepy island. Has this possibility not occured to anyone else?

Thanks, until later.